[Transcription is auto-generated and may not be perfect]
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hey you welcome to sacrilegious discourse i'm husband i'm wife and together we're reading the bible
starting with genesis and eventually ending with revelations we're working through every book and offering our
atheist two cents four shekels yeah those we're asking questions and pointing out
all the nonsense we aren't academics or scholars nope in fact when it comes to religion we really don't know anything
at all what we've learned so far is that god's a dick oh he really is isn't he if
you're interested in how we reached this startling conclusion maybe start from episode one otherwise jump in anywhere
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husband yes wife remember how i said let's read the bible yeah okay so let's start what are we
going over today well we're gonna read um from front to finish and it starts with the book of
genesis and so we're gonna start with chapters one two and three of genesis also like in the beginning yeah that
kind of thing and just for um a note we are reading the new living translation which is
abbreviated nlt for anybody who cares about such things because
i'm not doing the king james thing i don't even know what any of that means but okay let's do this sounds great
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um yes because you told me but also no tell me more [Laughter]
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[Music] okay so we are starting with chapter one
of genesis and it's subtitled the creation okay in the beginning god created the
heavens and the earth i always wondered the earth was formless and empty and
darkness covered the deep waters it's like a boring ass place well and i know from previous readings that
he creates the waters later so like how is it covered with darkness and waters
that haven't been created yet i don't know it's just because there's no still more here
and the spirit of god was hovering over the surfaces of the waters that he was
created yet why was he hovering like i know he was bored okay
then god said hey let there be light and there was light and god saw that the light was good
light to show all the desolate boringness that he hadn't created yet okay then he separated the light from
the darkness that was awfully cool of him so what happened like okay
he separated the light from the darkness and he saw that it was good but he just created the light so was
there like a moment in time where the light was not separated and yeah there was no light it was all darkness and water okay
but then he created but then he created light and then was it separated yeah that's what it just separated okay
okay sorry we're like four sentences in and you're already lost i know i know
god called the light day and the darkness light i mean night
sorry let me read that again god called the light day and the darkness night and
evening past a morning game marking the first day it's a good thing that he named him evening and morning otherwise
we'd be totally up shit's creek with these names except guess what what i happen to know from reading ahead that
he hadn't even separated day from night yet oh good grief
then god said let there be a space between the waters to separate the waters of the heavens from the waters of
the earth i mean the waters of the earth yeah from the water from the waters of the heaven yeah
i thought it was just like nothing up there except for gases i didn't even gas is a sea is
that what he was was he confused about what he was doing he might not have had a really good plan
okay all right i think maybe the sky is just one big god fart that is really rude
and that is what happened god made the space to separate the waters of the earth from the waters of the heavens
repetitive much god called the space sky and the evening past the morning came
marking the second day then god said let the waters beneath the sky flow together into one place so dry
ground may appear wait if they flow together in one place like physics would say that the water would
have to rise because it was already there so like wouldn't it i mean how does that make there less water i don't think he
invented physics yet maybe he just drank some of the ocean water i mean he is god they didn't say
that though he worked hard they just said he moved it so like i don't know if i move water into a
smaller space it rises so like that doesn't bode well for the people living near that water because it's like
oh yeah [ __ ] okay and that is what happened god called the dry ground land and the waters seized
and god saw that it was good then god said let the land sprout with vegetation
every sort of seed-bearing plant and trees that grow seed-bearing fruit
these seeds will then produce the kinds of plants and trees from which they came how do you suppose you knew what
vegetation and trees were and that is what happened had he done this before or was this like
just like he was just like sitting there thinking yeah i'm gonna make some me some vegetation and trees i mean who could
know it is because i want a good salad so god made vegetation because he wanted
to go to subway i mean maybe he's a vegan he made the vegetation and trees first so oh my god
the land produced vegetation all sorts of seed seed-bearing plants and trees with seed-bearing fruit their seeds
produced plants and trees of the same kind and god saw that it was good i mean this is really repetitive he's like i'm
gonna make a thing and then he makes it and then he's like i made a thing yeah yeah an evening passed and morning came
marking the third day then god said let lights appear in the sky to separate the day from the night
see that's what i'm saying we didn't even separate it we're like on the floor today we're on the fourth day we're on the fourth and he hadn't separated but
he said he separated it on the first day i know they're really confused were they high when they wrote this [ __ ]
um i think they needed a really good editor okay yeah let them we're only like three paragraphs in maybe i don't
even know how many paragraphs are we i didn't they're just like the first paragraph we're on verse 14. okay
14 verses and they already screwed up i mean who knows whatever i was i thought this
was god's word he's not very but it was written by man right okay so i mean maybe god was like all
and then ma'am was like it's typical of wait what did he say
yeah when did he separate the light from the dark that's typical i don't know just write it a couple of times we'll
get it right on one of them yeah yeah okay then god said let lights appear in the sky to separate the day from the night
let them be signs to mark the seasons days and years let these lights in the sky shine down
on the earth and that is what happened i'm glad we have stars yay
it gets really interesting from here because um apparently the sun is not a star question mark okay
god made two great lights the larger one to govern the day sun the sun which is
apparently not a star right and the smaller one to govern the night the moon that could be yes
he also made the stars again of which the sun is not one apparently right because it was just the light it's just
the light it's the light yeah god set these lights in the sky to light
the earth to govern the day and night and to separate the light from the darkness i'm glad he separated it
and god saw that it was good i thought it was good i mean i think it's good but what do i know right i mean it would be
bad if it was dark all the time or light all the time that would suck well if it was dark all the time that would be a
vampire movie and if it was dark all the time that would be a zombie movie but i mean hypothetically if you live in alaska he didn't really separate the day
from the night up there we don't talk about that okay an evening passed a morning came marking
the fourth day then god said let the water swarm with fish and other life let
the skies be filled with birds of every kind so i mean really he created the birds
before he created any of the other animals what were the fish eating they there
weren't fish yet because they just say for created fish hold on was it birds and fish i thought
no um godzilla is in light and oh no you're right he did yeah he's one
of things he did the fishes and the birds yeah they ate each other they okay so the fish jumped out of the water to
eat the birds there are flying fish that is true they ate each other that's all i can
believe or the biggest fish ate the littlest fish and then the littlest fish were the flyers that ate the birds
got it and the birds ate also of the littlest fish well maybe he makes food for him later
i don't know so god created great sea creatures and every living thing that scurries and
swarms in the water and every sort of bird each producing offspring of the same kind and god saw that it was good
i mean it would be really weird for like a bird to give birth to an octopus so i'm right but i mean like i'm glad
that he made the birds give birth only to the birds technically though evolution happened i mean you know we
can prove that scientifically we don't talk about that okay so technically they're not exactly the
same no i mean i'm just saying no but we don't talk about that well you're
you're saying bible people don't talk about it we talk about it well yeah but i mean when we're talking about the bible automatically we
don't talk about alaska or evolution so alaska and evolution are right out we should make a list of things that are
right out thank god bless them saying be fruitful and multiply let the fish fill the seas
and let the birds multiply on the earth an evening passed and morning came marking the fifth day
do you think that they understood him when he said be fruitful multiply i guess it is god's word so maybe god
can talk to all the living things i mean sometimes our cat understands us when we talk to her yeah that's true so who
knows then god said let the earth produce every sort of animal each producing offspring of the same kind
livestock small animals that scurry along the ground and wild animals wait
livestock i know like livestock intrinsically means like animals that belong to man so he
created animals that longed him no he didn't create animals he created livestock according to the bible he
created livestock before he created man yeah okay i'm just checking to make sure i got that right yeah okay yeah you did
you got it i got it and that is what happened god made all sorts of wild animals
livestock and small animals each able to produce offspring of the same kind so we
don't have birds giving birth to octopi and god saw that it was good awesome
then god said let us make human beings in our image to be like us who's our um
i'm guessing that he means the royal we or remember we had a pastor once there's
like the the son the ghost and the holy spirit or something like that okay here there's that the trinity it's called the
holy trinity and then we had a pastor one time holy ghost that's what it is we had a pastor one time that um talked
about how god had a man face on one side and a woman face on the other side and
that's what he meant when he made man in his image but i mean that sounds so weird and i've never read anything like
that in the bible not that i've read a lot of the bible so like maybe we'll get to that part later
um okay i don't know i i don't know either that's why we're reading this sure yeah
then god said let us make human beings in our image to be like us they will reign over the fish and the sea the
birds in the sky the livestock all the wild animals on the earth and the small animals that scurry along the ground
thank god we finally got somebody for that livestock to rule them i probably shouldn't have said thank god
but i mean technically that's correct i guess i mean technically yeah so god created human beings in his own image i
like how he's either like the royal we or totally a man right definitely not a woman yeah oh yeah or a
triangle woman is right out woman is right out so so far we've got alaska
we've got all evolution and we've got woman and those are all right out yeah
in the image of god he created them male and female he created them except he hasn't made a woman yet
then god blessed them and said be fruitful and multiply fill the earth and govern it rain over the fish in the sea
the birds in the sky and all the animals that scurry along the ground so everybody has male and female except
for humans right now it's just man's got it but they're alluding to the fact that
there's going to be a female right but as of this whatever day six or whatever
there's not a woman there's not a woman because womans are right out right but we're in charge of everything
apparently you better not even try that [ __ ] on me i was just saying human beings were in
charge of everything he said human beings were in charge of everything and you know clearly
i think we get to the part where the men are in charge later but clearly he met all the mans well yeah
cause we're awesome you know you cannot even find the butter in the fridge i don't want to hear it
then god said look he said it just like that too did he i have given you every seed bearing plant
throughout the earth and all the fruit trees for your food and i have given every green plant as food for all the
wild animals the birds in the sky and the small animals that scurry along the ground everything that has life and that
is what happened then god looked over all he had made and he saw that it was very good an evening
pass the morning came marking the sixth day that was the sixth day yep and that
was the end of chapter one okay [Music]
okay so genesis chapter 2 ready i am ready so the creation of the heavens and
the earth was everything in them completed on the seventh day god had finished his work of creation so he
rested from all his work so you're telling me god didn't invent skyscrapers
no but he probably cracked a beer that good day i can tell you he didn't invent sports
we're not there yet i know but it's sunday we're not no actually if you say it's the seventh day
saturday i'm sorry oh then the jews celebrate saturday as the holy day is
the seventh day and they have it right i mean if we say that the week begins on a sunday right right saturday some people
start the week on mondays they do um those people are weird okay they are
like really into productivity on the seventh day oh yeah he rested
blah blah and god blessed the seventh day and declared it holy because it was the day when he rested from all his work
of creation so either saturday or seven saturday or sunday is really really holy i got it
man in the garden of eden are you ready i'm ready okay this is the account of the creation of
the heavens and the earth the man and woman in eden when the lord god made the
earth and the heavens neither wild plants nor grains were growing on the earth so okay we're doing a rewind then
yeah apparently like we're we're we're only in chapter two and we're doing like a flashback it's a flashback it's
totally a flashback because he's going back to like day what five sure yeah
yeah for the lord god had not yet sent rain to water the earth and there were no
people to cultivate the soil hold on he made man invented snow because he
mentioned rain but not snow i don't know but i have bigger fish to fry because he's saying that he had not
yet sent rain to water the earth so there's no rain and water
but yet he did make those before he made man
right i mean you know your plants wouldn't completely die in just like a day or two but he made all these plants and he made
all this water and then he made man last but now he's saying just kidding
oh you see what i'm saying timeline just screwed up yeah like this chronology is crack yeah
okay instead springs came up from the ground and watered all the land oh maybe
i was wrong okay then the lord god formed the man from the dust of the ground
okay i thought we were like 90 water i don't know apparently we made a dust too
i'm really confused in all this i gotta be honest this isn't making a lot of sense right he breathed the breath of
life into the man's nostrils and the man became living person
do you feel alive when i breathe dorito breath on your face
then the lord god planted a garden in eden in the east and there he placed the man he had made i see where this is
going so i see this this goes well with my theory that he's a vegan because he planted the
garden that was like one of the first things you did after creating all the things i mean really we don't require
hey darling your dr pepper's done alexa stop
i put alexa no i put dr pepper in the freezer and then i put a timer on to tell me when i should take yeah let's
get back to the bible the dr pepper out of the freezer okay so anyway i was saying that
veganism is actually a good lifestyle choice because we don't specifically require meat so
um protein yes meat no so i can see that right right
that makes sense i don't i don't oppose that okay the lord god made all sorts of trees
grow up from the ground trees that were beautiful and that produced delicious fruit in the middle of the garden he
placed a tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil oh this just i see where this is going and it's
already taken me because we already know some of this it's pretty common knowledge why did he put him there he's
an [ __ ] that's what i think okay i just i know where it's going and it's making me very angry right right a river
flowed from the land of eden watering the garden and then dividing into four branches the first branch called the
pishon flowed around the entire land of havilla we're definitely gonna have to forgive
us if we pronounce these wrong yeah where gold is found i don't i don't know how to pronounce stuff but what i want
to know is okay so gold was found there why is that noteworthy because let's be honest right why would gold that doesn't
matter not right now why is gold specifically better than any other rock or metal
found in the ground right to early man yeah that's dumb the man that just had god's breath breathed up into his nose
right they haven't even invented tools yet i know which they would need you know to get the gold and then societies
care about gold for trade but they're not really in any intrinsic worth in it well and let's let's talk about trade
like what do they need to trade the ground provides everything for them right right so why would you need gold
they're in eden it's like he's preparing for them to screw up and be dumb yeah
that's dumb that's mean yeah god is mean yeah so niceness right
out like if you didn't want them to screw up why would you provide them every opportunity to screw up right
pandora's box much that's that's stupid yeah the gold of that land is exceptionally
pure exceptionally again doesn't matter to me aromatic resin and onyx stone are also
found there what is aromatic resin it is resin that smells really really good
the second branch called the gihon flowed around the entire land of kush
sure the third branch called the tigris i know that one flowed east of the land of
a-s-s-h-u-r i ask her that's what i said that's awesome that's her i love it the
fourth branch is called the euphrates i know that one too okay so we've got the tigers and the euphrates
there's a fertile crescent over there that's where the eden is the garden of eden yeah you should totally go visit i
bet it's not there anymore oh [ __ ] the lord god placed the man in the garden of eden to tend and watch over it
do you think that watch over it means don't [ __ ] it up i don't know i mean if he wanted a really good salad all the
time then maybe that's why he put him there so he could get a really good salad okay but if he says just watch it that means just like sit on his front
porch and be like that cool deck cool but if he's watching over it then he's like
don't but it would also imply that something could go wrong yeah in this perfect garden of eden he's
like so don't let those voles build hills and tunnels in that backyard
eating right right is he gonna like yeah what's gonna go wrong i don't know okay
it's not very edenish right but the lord god warned them you may
freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden except
the tree of the knowledge of good and evil if you eat its fruit you are sure to die that's dumb why would you put
something that's going to kill him i am god i'm gonna on purpose drop up a poison bomb in the middle of this garden
just to see if you do it or not right yeah really stupid that's like if i
bring home um a bag of sweet tart ropes and i'm like abby you can have everything in
this house but don't touch those sweet tart ropes cause they're gonna kill you do you think that she will avoid the
sweet tart ropes well if we said they're gonna kill her then yeah except that she unless she thought we were joking but she loves sweet tart
ropes and it matters whether she thinks we're joking or not you know what what was god's tone of voice when he said it
i don't know that matters that matters it really does context yeah yeah
then the lord god said it is not good for the man to be alone i will make a helper who is just right for him wait
what day are we at right now oh um we passed all the days and now we're like
doing our flashback okay all right so the lord god formed from the ground
all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky so whatever day that was okay i don't remember five or six got it he
brought them to the man to see what he would call them and the man chose a name for each one he gave names to all the
livestock but wait i thought he made those animals the birds and the sea and whatever
before man but now he's saying he made man and then he made the fishes and the birds he's saying he brought them to him
isn't he no he said so the lord god formed from the ground all the wild
animals and all the birds of the sky he brought them to the man to see what he would call that doesn't say what day it
says that he did that it's rather misleading well but i have to ask though because there's still scientists out
there discovering new species every day did did adam name all these species that are still
being because it seems like a really tedious project to name all of the bugs like
there's millions of there's millions of them you'd be there for wait no god did not invent bugs yet oh he didn't no
just animals and the fishes does he cover that later like did he cover making bugs i don't i mean i haven't
read the bible so i could be wrong but i don't think he talks about bugs well but i you would have to assume that there's
bugs at this point though well why would you assume anything well because he said he rested he was
done on the seventh day so that means he created everything that needed to be created and if he created everything
that means he created bugs i think you're making a lot of assumptions i am because there's a lot of freaking holes in this [ __ ] well there are a lot of
holes i will give you that he meaning dude gave names to all the
livestock dude meaning adam we haven't named him yet he's just a man okay that guy he's a dude dude
dude gave names to all the livestock all the birds in the sky and all the wild animals but still there was no helper
just right for him oh man he didn't want the horse the man was so
lonely and sad so the lord god caused the man to fall
into a deep sleep ominous music plays while the man slept the lord god took out one of the man's
ribs and jesus closed up the opening sorry what an [ __ ] this took a dark turn he
probably shouldn't have taken his son's name in vain okay because we're reading the bible let me just reiterate that he
took out one of the man's ribs and closed up that's a dick thing to do how
did he close it up i don't know it must be like god lasik god lasik yeah like lasik surgery like they do in your eyes
so you don't think he just made a needle right quick out of all that gold maybe or the smelly good onyx i'm going with a
god lasik though cuz i mean dude didn't even wake up like he's asleep he fell asleep he takes
his freaking ribs out or a rib out i'm sorry and then everybody's wearing him back up with him
yeah he's just like it's like god it's like superman beams coming from god's eyes
yeah he's totally done like in and out then the lord god made a woman from the rib and he brought her to the man
i see where this is going and i'm not wow i'm not happy
at last the man exclaimed this one is bone from my bone and flesh from my
flesh boney yeah she will be called woe man because she was taken from man
what does the woe mean though well one to you
this explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife and the two are united into one is
that what it explains i don't think that explained any of that okay i mean i must have missed some
comprehension i think there was a bad poor lead up here to this i think that there was like an entire paragraph or
maybe even chapter missing yeah now the man and his wife were both naked but they felt no shame it's like a porno
back in you know early days well yeah but that's the end of chapter two oh okay
okay so genesis chapter three yay it's subtitled man's disobedience damn
man damn the man damn the man the serpent
serpents are [ __ ] although we just got a serpent so i can't really call an [ __ ] is there a difference between
serpents and snakes i don't know that is a good question i think because if cert like i know that there's such a
thing as legless lizards which are different from snakes and i would never have known that right except i mean
serpent to me is like you know with a harry potter serpent that comes and like attacks harry potter but is it a serpent
or is it a snake i don't either the serpent was the shrewdest of all the
wild animals the lord god had made one day he asked the woman did god
really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden sounds like he's angling for something
here um you're right i said he was shrewd so this is pretty shrewd what does he get out of it
i don't know okay to be shrewd of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the
garden the woman replied are you trying to do eden's voice well i want to separate from my voice
because she's dumb okay it's only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not
allowed to eat god said you must not eat it or even touch it if you do you will die wait you
can't even touch it yeah damn and okay let's be fair for a minute here
did god actually tell her that or is she just repeating what adam told right
because i only recall adam being around when he told her when he told him when he told him when god told adam yeah adam
was the only one because it was before he took his damn rib out of his body so here's the thing like has eve even met
god yet or is she like that adam he's always telling stories right and then like how trustworthy is a man
not at all i i know men even the men i love most in my life are
not all that good at repeating stories you won't die
the serpent replied to the woman how does he know i have no idea that's why he's trying to
kill off god's creation or is he just like does he really know that it won't kill him i mean honestly i don't know
that's why i want to know the difference between a serpent and a snake because all the snakes that i know do not talk
okay yeah i mean me either i don't know any talking snakes so serpents are snakes that talk possibly narnia style
apparently do you think animals used to talk maybe i mean god said that he told him to be
fruitful and multiply so like maybe he was talking to them maybe they talked back then but maybe he was like harry
potter style telling them like like slytherin yeah likes true things
that i tell you okay god knows that your eyes will be
opened as soon as you eat it and you will be like god knowing both good and
evil but they don't even have like envy at this point so like how could they want to be like god
why would that be something that they would want to do i don't know but according to the bible ready the woman
was convinced oh that was a real easy sell right
like um that snake should totally go into car sales like what would convince you to eat something that your spouse
told you don't [ __ ] eat that i mean it tastes really good
that would convince me definitely would not be a talking serpent okay but it depends on what the talking
serpent says because like if the talking serpent is like you're gonna know i mean i guess he was promising god-like powers
so i just i don't know that god like powers would be convincing to me but i mean i'm
a foodie so seriously if he was like it tastes so good it really what does eden know of
god-like powers you mean eve eve oh yeah garden of eden eve my bad what does eve
know of god-like powers anyway because she wasn't even there when god like ripped out adam's ribs to give it to her with
his lips and all that kind of [ __ ] so yeah i don't know i just have so many questions was god like performing
miracles all the time in the garden of eden those are not mentioned okay all right she saw that the tree was beautiful and
its fruit looked delicious and she wanted the wisdom it would give her so she took some of the fruit and ate it
then she gave her some to her husband who was with her wait he was with her this whole time wait the snake
okay they both heard god talk and no no no no no no no only adam heard god talk
right but apparently eve knew about it and and adam was there with eve when the snake told
eve to should totes eat this you should eat this and then he ate with her so like he didn't stop her he didn't say
anything didn't speak up so he's the one that specifically heard god first person like first if you're the one that's like
if he was really worried about it a he wouldn't have eaten it right right b don't you think you would have spoke up
and been like yo um i don't want to die this sounds like this yes dudes let's like let's chill here
for a minute let's talk about this let's talk about this exactly but he's like mookie
at that moment their eyes were opened and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness
their eyes were open i mean like the third eye doesn't shame like okay shame would require
something someone to be shameful from wouldn't it i would it's just the two of you like when you're embarrassed and
other people might know and maybe because the snakes talk they're embarrassed to be naked in front
of the snake i hate it serpent serpent i hate it when the serpent sees me naked
damn serpent's always seeing me naked because really they only have each other and are you embarrassed to be naked in
front of your spouse oh that's stupid that is kind of stupid i mean she's got his rib she does have his rib
but let me just say maybe there are some married couples that don't like being naked in front of each other and we are
not ones to shame i'm just saying okay all right it's it's a shame their eyes were open and the
first thing that happens is shame got it and they were embarrassed of each other that's the first thing that happens is shame
shame shame shame so they sewed fig leaves see i think god
did have needles wait wait so they have godlike powers because they ate the fruit and they had to sow fig leaves for
clothes they couldn't just like materialize the [ __ ] because i mean god created the whole [ __ ] planet no they
just had knowledge oh they didn't have powers they just had so they didn't have knowledge before no
they had gaudy knowledge okay so they were just like so they were like boom i'm naked and now
i know how to sew so they sewed big leaves together to
cover themselves okay when the cool evening breezes were blowing the man and his wife not the woman and her husband
heard the lord god walking about in the garden boom boom is that what you imagined it sounded
like how else do you hear it wasn't like a wrestling oh it could have been a like a scuffle
how big was the garden that they heard him roughly wrestling how big do you suppose god was like was he like
towering over there was he this i guess he made us in his image so he's probably the same size as us yeah so like there's
this dude walking around in this garden and they heard him so how big is the garden
and what kind of noises was god making it's between the tiger well they don't say how much of the
region between the tigers and euphrates so it could be just like a small ass little garden right right so i mean if
it's a small garden rustling if it's a big garden boom boom right right
so they hid from the lord god among the trees then the lord god called to the man where are
you it's a great god voice right he replied i heard you working in the garden so i
hid i was afraid because i was naked is this adam voice now that's adam okay i
love voicing characters yeah and i decided that adam is a dumbo so he must
be like a redneck kind of guy yeah like he's totally got a confederate i think god gave them a reason to be scared
i mean they're naked right i i mean but they got fig leaves now and they did disobey him
right but they have fig leaves now so they're not but like so okay so they're no longer naked but they know they did
something bad okay all right they did something so they're scared because they have guilt that god doesn't know about
right now even though he's an all-powerful mother and they have guilt who only has two people to keep keep track of at this
point you had one job he doesn't even know what they ate from
the death tree oh he knows that's why he's walking all right all right so okay so he's afraid because they were
naked who told you that you were naked
the lord god asked sound like a whaling banshee no a whaling banshee would be like
okay all right okay have you eaten from the tree whose fruit i commanded you not to eat you're right
he totally knows yeah the man replied is the woman you gave me
who gave me the fruit and i ate it maybe you shouldn't talk like that it's hard to understand you okay so here's what he
said it was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit and i ate it what a
dick right he's passing off the blame he was right there when this whole thing happened right there and he threw her
under the [ __ ] bus like nothing then the lord god asked the woman what
the serpent deceived me she replied that's why i beat it passing the buck blame it on somebody else it sounds like
there's a hole in the bucket there and reader henry and it just keeps
like getting passed on and passed on right right i mean the guy the guy blamed the woman the woman likes the serpent right like
it's nobody's fault apparently except i say it's it ends where it starts god put
the tree the same thing there yeah yeah now there are some people who say he put it there on purpose because he wanted
all this to happen right so but he's gonna like punish him here and [ __ ] i know
so let's see what he does i'm a little resentful that's all i got to hear what
he does because so far this is like a dick move yeah on the man's part like everything on god's part
no i don't blame the woman okay all right i mean she did eat the fruit that was not supposed to eat but she only heard
not to eat the fruit because her husband who was dumb told her hey this god guy said don't eat
that i mean we're assuming because there's large gaps in this so far right but based on the information i've been given
she has never spoken with god but she has spoken with a snake right right
and her husband who cannot find the butter in the fridge yeah so i'm just saying if i was faced with my
husband telling me something or a snake comes up to me and tells me something it's 50 50. i could go either way i'm
believing my husband or the snake okay okay then the lord god said to the
serpent because you have done this you are cursed more than all the other animals domestic and wild you will crawl
on your belly groveling in the dust as long as you live and i will cause hostility between you
and the woman and between your offspring and her offspring he will strike your
head and you will strike his heel i mean dude got rid of his legs apparently do you think serpents had
legs i mean he's making him crawl on his belly well okay
so there's snakes there's serpents with legs and then there's serpents without legs and then there's legless snakes
i don't know that's i i don't think they knew what was going on here because i don't
think and like is it just that snake or like obviously he's saying like he's punishing that one snake
or serpent i'm sorry serpent no that serpent had a wife too right but like he's punishing
not just that one serpent but like all of that serpent's
future progeny yeah and snake that's crazy i'm like is his snake wife somewhere like
just like lost his legs and like [ __ ] what happened he's like god damn it what
did he do now not to [ __ ] with those people
then he said to the woman i will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy and in pain you will give birth hold on this just
escalated why why does anybody worship this dude i mean he just made birth painful and you will desire to
control your husband but he will rule over you do you desire to control me no
i desire wait wait no he they said that you will desire to control me no he just said that to the woman
i know you're the woman i'm not that woman do i control you
[ __ ] no you better not try either
no he's just talking to them he just said woman your pain and your pregnancy is gonna be
bad okay and your pain when you give birth is gonna be bad and you're gonna
wish you could control adam but guess what adam he gonna roll over you yeah y'all [ __ ] so there it is misogyny
right there yep so we've got like it's in the bible i know we've like from the the first three
chapters we've got guilt shame and misogyny that's awesome yeah this is
like a great great i love this story so far and to the man he said since you
listened to your wife and ate from the tree whose fruit i commanded you not to eat the ground is cursed because of you
so now he's cursing the ground but not the man he's cursing the ground no he is ready all your life you will struggle to
scratch a living from it tell that to jeff bezos but he's not adam he just says all you
your adam all your life okay so adam got a struggle
it will grow thorns and thistles for you though you will eat of its grains by the
sweat of your brow will you have food to eat until you return to the ground from
which you were made for you were made from dust and to dust
you will be too you do a really shitty voice
i think that god is really shitty and he he does not deserve my best okay all
right then the man adam named his wife eve because she would be the mother of all
who live hold on a second he named her after god basically punished her
and like he waited until this moment when god's punishing them to name her eve oh by the by your name your name's
eve yeah what's up oh that's because he rules over so he gets to name her yeah
it just occurred to me so he's like like eve doesn't get to pick her name no no no it's it's out he's like you made
me eat an apple by by being by me and being convinced and saying eat some
and so for that your name is going to be eve which eventually will mean like the
first and so i'm going to go ahead and name you something which eventually will mean something so that it already means
something right that's that's dumb i'm going to
continue this is dumb yeah and the lord god made clothing from animal skins for
adam and his wife so like at this point there's only like two of every animal did he like kill off an entire species
just to make clothing for them is that where the [ __ ] unicorns went i
but i gotta say something like he killed animals right god's like he's a real
[ __ ] he is not nice he is not good i don't like this guy i don't like this
guy okay and the lord god made clothing from animals get for adam and his wife then
the lord god said look the human beings have become like us the royal we knowing
both good and evil what if they reach out take fruit from the tree of life and eat it then they will live forever and
god knows we can't have that so the lord god banished them from the garden of eden
hold on so he made this perfect garden and then just like i mean this is like in no time flat he's like never mind see
ya peace out right so he's like here's a garden here is man in this garden here
are some trees don't eat of it oh my god they eat one they might eat the other oh no that never occurred to me before yo
get out i'm like you [ __ ] up once one time one time and you're doomed you're doomed this guy has no like give
so the lord god banished them from the garden of eden and he sent adam out to cultivate the
ground from which he had been made after sending them out the lord god stationed
mighty cherubim to the east of the garden of eden is cherubim like an angel thing yeah it's
like those you know like in roman art greek and roman art it's like the little baby
angels like the chubby like cupid is he gonna shoot you with his arrow if you try to get in i i don't know i mean i'm
telling you what cherubim are based on my understanding and my understanding is shaky at best
got it and he placed a flaming sword that flashed back and forth to guard the way
to the tree of life so a giant flaming flashing sword that waves back and forth
i mean that should be totally easy to find on google maps we can see the whole planet how are we
missing a tiny how are we missing a giant flashing sword i mean that's a good question and there's cherubims out there it's not like he said he hit it he
just guarded it right so hypothetically if we go to the tigress and euphrates and those other
two rivers like somewhere between there's a giant flashing waving flaming sword there's a flaming sword
and cherubim yeah somewhere so we should totally go there someday there's a lot of strife going on over
there like you know and also airplanes and you know what i would have thought it would have been found by now like just
being honest like you know you can't miss a flaming sword yeah on google maps
that's totally yeah like google earth like you can zoom in right yeah yeah
yeah this story is a good start is there more no that's the end of chapter three
oh okay well so that's it for this week then huh yeah okay
well i don't think this is the greatest book i don't either but should we keep reading maybe it gets better well yeah i
mean obviously the relevance of this book overall is very relevant to life because there's so many people that
abide by and take this at its word so yes we should definitely keep reading but what if we get through the entire
thing and it still sucks i have no doubt that it's still gonna suck
but that's why we're reading it and making fun of it because it makes it that much more fun have you ever read the bible nope me neither that's why
this is fun it is all right well we will see you in a week we think i don't know this is
kind of new to us so we're kind of playing with time frames and this is our first episode so you know don't like
yell at us and [ __ ] if we don't get that right like maybe next week so like maybe next week question mark yeah i don't
know but we'll see you at some point soon husband wife see you next week see
husband yeah wife um it's the end so we should say all the things we definitely should say all the
things what things should we say so we want people to get a hold of us and there's ways that they can do that
so one of those ways i know is email what's that email address sacrilegious discourse at gmail.com and they should
do that by five eastern on sundays if they want their question to be included in our new
tuesday q a episodes every week yeah i'm really looking forward to hearing from some of our fans for sure yeah they can
also get a hold of us on social media and we have twitter instagram facebook
and pinterest um probably the easiest way would be through twitter at sacrilegious underscore d for d's not still yes still
still i guess or dum-dum or doo-doo yeah wherever you want to go with that i guess right right okay um yeah so we
have all those things and they should go there yeah they should okay and then also
what else should they do they should like you know review us on apple podcast because that really really helps us out
and you know if you're on any other podcast snap just like hit a heart or a like thing or something a thumbs up
thumbs up whatever the hell it is just do it okay do it all right i think that's all we got
oh you know what i have one more thing oh she's got one more thing um thank you so much guys for listening and choosing
us to spend your time with we really appreciate you all and your definitely top shelf yeah honestly it
makes us smile just about every day yep [Music]
