[Transcription is auto-generated and may not be perfect]
0:05
hey you welcome to sacrilegious
discourse i'm husband i'm wife and
together we're reading the bible
starting with genesis and eventually
ending with revelations we're working
through every book and offering our
atheist two cents four shekels yeah
we're asking questions and pointing out
all the nonsense we aren't academics or
scholars nope in fact when it comes to
religion we really don't know anything
what we've learned so far is that god's
a dick oh he really is isn't he if
you're interested in how we reached this
startling conclusion maybe start from
episode one otherwise jump in anywhere
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what we're not done with noah yet we're
not no i thought he died he did but um
more stuff about him and his kiddos oh
okay i think so we're doing so what are
we on now um genesis 10 and 11. okay
sound good yeah let's get some more noah
hey wife yes husband did you know that
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okay so you know how um noah's dead yeah
yeah okay so like every time i say
noah's dead all i can think of is like
in top gun when they were like
celebrating chester's dead chester's
dead now we're like noah is dead but
it's not celebration i guess that's not
what i was thinking that is not
um genesis 10 the descendants of the
sons of noah and i have to tell you i
read ahead and it's just a bunch of
names and places and so i'm gonna try to
buzz through this as fast as possible to
get to some funny bits okay bye-bye be
okay ready this is the account of the
families of shem ham and japheth you
know the guys that dragged a blanket
over their naked father because they
were so [ __ ] embarrassed that they
just couldn't even yeah okay they're
dumb the three sons of noah and
apparently they're our ancestors right
many children were born to them after
the great flood the descendants of jfeth
magog madai javon tubal mishesh and
i just can't believe you're not going to
say something like gomer boyle
like azkaban we're trying to get through
this i know okay i'm sorry i'll keep
going ashkenaz rifas and togarmah the
descendants of javon were elijah
their descendants became the seafaring
people that spread out to various lands
each identified by its own language clan
and national identity probably smart
considering god just flooded the whole
earth to be good at you know seafaring
stuff right like they were probably like
the descendants of ham were kush miz
ring put and kanan like put it there put
the descendants of cush were siba havala
the descendants of rama were sheba
was also the ancestor of nimrod
that's amazing who was the first heroic
i should just go up to hunters and be
like you're such a nimrod right like all
this time we thought it was like an
insult and it's actually look since he
was the greatest hunter in the world his
name became proverbial people would say
this man is like nimrod the greatest
hunter in the world totally gonna start
yeah but like in a complimentary way
he built his kingdom in the land of
babylonia with the cities of bamal
babylon eric akad and kalma
from there he expanded his territory to
assyria building the cities of nineveh
rohibathir kala and rezan the great city
located between nineveh and kala
rheem was the ancestor of the luddites
this is hard neph to heights
heights and the catheterites robinhood
meningites am i right what the hell
i've heard of them of course the
philistines yeah they came from all
kanan's oldest son was sadan the
ancestor of the sedonians of course
canaan was also the ancestor of the
hittites jebusites amorites
they were so unoriginal they'd all in an
eight eight eight eight good nights
the canaanite clans eventually spread
out and the territory of canaan extended
from sadon in the north to gerar
and gaza in the south and as east as far
admira and zeboween i knew at least
three things in there gaza
i what that doesn't mean [ __ ] to me so
no other and i know where the gaza strip
is i'm like oh and zibbling near lasha
like all i hear is like blah blah blah
middle east right i mean is that even
blah blah blah i middle east right
these were the descendants of ham
identified by clan language territory
oh okay there's that okay sons were also
but probably no daughters right because
who are women who need women women are
the older brother of japheth shem was
the ancestor to all the descendants of
i don't know why that's funny to me
the descendants of shem were elam
arfak sad lud and aram the descendants
like the show right arf said was the
father of sheila and sheila was the
father of eber another eber
eber had two sons the first was named
okay maybe p leg i don't know
either way is funny which means division
for during his lifetime the people of
the world were divided into different
language groups his brother's name was
joktan jocton was the ancestor of alma
oh my gosh this is so hard i just gotta
all of a sudden they just suddenly had
two languages just more than two okay a
lot of languages that's we're
approaching the tower of babel and
that's when there's so many languages i
don't understand they all came from the
same freaking people yeah like two days
ago only it's two billion years ago
abamail sheba ophir havala and
jabob we probably lost like 90 of our
audience by now i think i'm a job
they're like blah blah blah blah blah
i mean i'm lost and oh i'm lost i'm the
all these were the descendants of joktan
the territory they occupied extended
all the way to sephar in the eastern
mountains these were the descendants of
shem identified by clan language
territory and national identity i think
i've already said this like a thousand
times but redundant much national
identity so they have nations now yeah
okay we went from a couple guys to
cities to nations in like no time flat
these are the clans that descended from
noah's sons but not any daughters ever
arranged by nation according to their
lines of descent all the nations of the
earth descended from these clans after
painful it was painful and it was like
we need to make the world be filled
quickly again so let's just make it be
filled quickly again right like there
character development no um storyline no
nothing and if you're gonna give me like
all of these names and places
i think the reason i laugh and and screw
these up so bad and just don't care is
because there's no reason to care right
they give you no there's nothing there's
no contact right and i i don't know it's
like pointless if i wrote a book this
bad it would never ever fly when
occasionally they say something that i'm
curious about like nimrod nimrod yeah
like when they expand on it they're like
he was the greatest hunter and blah blah
blah blah and it's like that's it and
that's it yeah like what there was this
one obviously there was more to that
story but there's a hunter named nimrod
at the end right and for some reason now
we think nimrod is bad a bad thing funny
because you know we're dumb
and with nimrod that is the end of
genesis chapter 10. okay i hope the next
portion has more story and less
baguetting me too okay well let's find
okay so now we have reached genesis
chapter 11 the tower of babel do you
know anything about the tower well it's
some i mean like i like um
douglas adams and he talks about the
so i mean it's related in that it has to
do with language and babbling but is
that like your entire soul
well something about language and blah
blah blah oh my gosh yeah i don't know
that's about all i know okay even i know
a little bit more than that yeah okay
okay ready let's find out about it shall
at one time all the people of the world
spoke the same language and used the
same words as the people migrated to the
east they found a plane in the land of
babylonia and settled there they began
saying to each other let's make bricks
and harden them with fire in this region
bricks were used instead of stone and
tar was used for mortar then they said
come let's build a great city for
ourselves with a tower that reaches into
the sky this will make us famous and
keep us from being scattered all over
i mean it did make them famous i guess
so yeah because we all know about the
tower of babel right or babylon
whatever babylonia babylon brook
but the lord came down to look at the
city and the tower the people were
building look he came down he did he
look he said the people are united and
they all speak the same language after
this nothing they set out to do will be
impossible for them come let's go down
and confuse the people with different
languages what like every time people
start getting the head he's like
nah [ __ ] that [ __ ] no i'm gonna go down
there and [ __ ] this [ __ ] up
then they won't be able to understand
what the hell that literally says that
in the bible that's so stupid he's so
excited to [ __ ] them up that is so for
in that way the lord scattered them all
over the world and they stopped building
the city this is why the city was called
babel because that is where the lord
confused the people with different
languages in this way he scattered them
i don't i don't like what is the purpose
of confusing people to the point where
they can't coordinate with each other
to speak different languages and not be
on purpose he [ __ ] us up you know i
think that this is more along the lines
of that the people writing the bible
were like there's all these languages
make this work for the bible if they all
speak different languages god must have
done this on purpose because so
they're saying god [ __ ] us up but what
they're really saying is we're [ __ ] up
but either way i don't know it's
problematic it really is i just i don't
like he every time something good
happens he comes down to screw it up
and why would you on purpose choose that
as the story to believe that's what i
don't get right like and why
why would you i can't help but ask the
a god screws so many like i mean he made
on purpose he um made the
sow and on purpose on purpose yeah he
killed the entire [ __ ] planet on
and now he doesn't want people
communicating with each other on purpose
yeah like that's just some bullshittery
i mean they say our god is a cruel god
and i'm like he really is think about
your choices people right
like maybe maybe hell's a better fun
place you know i don't know i mean maybe
there's no babble down there not that i
believe in hell either but you know
i'm just saying like if i had to choose
between the two i'm not sure that i want
hang out with with god he sounds like a
just saying so the next part is labeled
the descendants of shem let us hope that
there's not more begatting right right
this is the account of shem's family
it's not a new chapter it's a
continuation of the chapter got it
two years after the great flood oh my
god all that happened in just two
wait did we just build cities and create
nations and divide people into oh you
know what no actually i'm mistaken we're
doing a flashback again okay i was gonna
say because that can't possibly be no
you're right you're right my bad um he
they did this thing where they're like
all these things happened all the way
through babel and then they're like okay
but flash back to two years after the
flood when shem was a mere babe at 100
years old i kind of wonder what like an
editor's notes would look like for the
bible like if you were pitching it as a
it would be bad yeah right there's no
way this would pass that would be funny
it would be funny to see what an editor
would say about a bible i would like to
see the editor's notes right now
okay so two years after the great flood
when shem was 100 years old he became
the father of arfex sad and i have to
tell you when i was just like
looking at this out of the corner of my
eye it looks like it looked to me like
it said axelrod for a second
after the birth of arfexad shem lived
another 500 [ __ ] years oh so
multi-100 year living person yeah yeah
that was some other generation some guy
lied and his name was god
shem lived another 500 years and had
well at least he had some daughters yeah
when rfix ab was oh he was a real baby
35 years old he became the father of
sheila after the birth of sheila arfexed
lived another 403 years and had other
sons and daughters wait we're going back
to some of the same names that was in
that begatting and now they're digging
into it slightly more but not really but
regurgitating the same [ __ ]
repetitive [ __ ] okay when sheila was
30 years old he became the father of
eber after the birth of iber sheila
lived another 403 years and had other
sons and daughters when eber was 34
years old he became the father of peleg
or p leg right i'm going to call this
it's funnier yeah and it doesn't matter
because after the birth of p leg eber
lived another 430 years and had other
sons and daughters when p legg was 30
years old he became the father of
p-league lived another 209 years and had
other sons and daughters when
he became the father of sea rug
i'm just curious like when did the
shortened lifespans happen like i'm i'm
totally lost i don't even remember at
this point like we're 11 chapters into
the first part of the i thought he did
this before he killed off all the humans
i'm pretty sure you are correct okay
it's like do over yeah and now they're
living a long time a long time again
in spite of the fact that he [ __ ] them
all up and spread them out with
after the birth of sea rug
lived over 207 years and had other sons
and daughters when sea rug was 30 years
old he became the father of nahor
after the birth of nahor sea rug lived
another 200 years and had other sons and
daughters when nahor was 29 years old he
became the father of tara after the
birth of tara nahor lived another 119
years and had other sons and daughters
after tara was 70 years old he became
the father of abram nora and harem
i wonder if not harem heron o'haran yeah
yeah okay okay still in the same chapter
but now we're in a bit that's um
subtitled the descendants of tara okay
because it matters question mark
this is the account of tara tara's
family sorry this is the account of
tara's family tara was the father of
abram nahor and heron haram was the
father of lot oh i know that guy i've
heard a lot lot did something sure but
of the chaldeans the land of his birth
while his father tara was still living
like do you even care like i don't care
i don't know any of these people right
like i can't even remember wait who's
alive who's dying who's doing what it's
all in such a weird order i know
meanwhile abram and nehor are both
the name of abram's wife was sarai
and the name of nehor's wife was milka
milka and her sister iska were daughters
of nahor's brother harren these all
sound like they're cousins of each other
but sarai was unable to become pregnant
that's sad for her if she if she wanted
children right she didn't want children
then it's gay because i know plenty of
people today that don't want to go back
then they seem to like a lot they seem
to want like 500 babies although i don't
know that was the women's choice that's
true i mean the men wanted them but
maybe the women i don't i don't know i
can't speak for women back then we can't
speak for men back then either
because none of them are alive
you know honestly i can't even speak for
women today because i just don't get
truthfully none of them are probably
real either i mean some of them might
have been maybe i don't know
one day tara took his son abram his
daughter-in-law sarai his son abram's
wife and his grandson lot his son
heron's child and moved away from your
of the chaldeans he was headed for the
land of kanan but they stopped at heron
and lived there tara lived for 205 years
and dialed while still inherent the end
it does not save yet it doesn't but
that's the end of the chapter and it
just might as well because it's like
and that's all we got right now well we
did all that began and then we went on
dig in deeper into the begatting and
it's like only it wasn't really like
and this person lived this amount of
time and they had this many kids and
they were these people and blah blah
blah i thought there was going to be
more about the tower of babel honestly i
really want some stories when did the
story start you think i don't know maybe
next chapter maybe next chapter well
stay tuned and find out and we'll make
fun of it all the way because this [ __ ]
is great i know i'm excited definitely
see you next time everybody
um is there a way for people to contact
they can uh get on our twitter account
we have a twitter account we do what is
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yeah that's disgusting how do you spell
sacrilegious do you know i don't want to
just look it up in a dictionary or
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now you know why sacrilegious underscore
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about an email yeah we got that too
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