[Transcription is auto-generated and may not be perfect]
0:05
hey you welcome to sacrilegious
discourse i'm husband i'm wife and
together we're reading the bible
starting with genesis and eventually
ending with revelations we're working
through every book and offering our
atheist two cents or shekels yeah
we're asking questions and pointing out
all the nonsense we aren't academics or
scholars nope in fact when it comes to
religion we really don't know anything
what we've learned so far is that god's
a dick oh he really is isn't he if
you're interested in how we reached this
startling conclusion maybe start from
episode one otherwise jump in anywhere
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so do you remember what we talked about
so um we talked about how abram and lot
oh and we were very disappointed that um
right well we may continue with
disappointing ideas about this book
be positive and say something hopeful no
but you know what maybe we should give
hope for the people that are listening
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okay genesis 14. abram rescues lot
they just split up and i know everybody
about this time war broke out in the
region now we're getting somewhere all
no that's not the right thing to cheer
for okay all right well i just was
thinking you know it's exciting
something exciting is happening
although the last time there was warring
people there was a rapey thing that
happened one god like killed everybody
oh yeah so yeah maybe not so good let's
king m rayful of babylonia king aryak of
of elam and king title of [ __ ]
fought against king bara of sodom king
bersha of gamora king shanob of adma
king shemabeer of zeboyam
the king of bela also called zohar good
god at some point we should count how
many names have been dropped in the
first like 15 chapters and how many i
cultured wait wait that's all of them
except maybe a lot yeah and
i don't know i like p leg peeling
the second group of kings joined forces
valley that is the valley of the dead
for 12 years they had been subject to
king kido lamar but in the 13th year
they rebelled against him the 13th year
of what after the flood after no the
being subject to him oh okay oh oh okay
okay yeah and after 12 years they were
like got it i had enough of this [ __ ]
one year later kedar lamar and his
allies arrived and defeated the
shivakurya theme i think we just need to
rewrite this whole damn thing and rename
everything so that it's not like stupid
and the horites at mount fair damn all
as far as elperon at the edge of the
then they turned back and came to en
mishpat now called kadesh
and conquered all the territory of the
amalekites and also the amorites living
in hezazon tomorrow look there was amy
then the rebel kings of sodom gomorrah
admiral zeboyam and biela i think she
sorry also called zoard this is hard
enough without you cutting me off all
the time i'm here for to interrupt you
and make you [ __ ] up anyway all those
rebel kings prepared for battle in the
valley of the dead sea they fought
against king khadir lamar of
elam king title of [ __ ]
babylonia and keem aryak of lsr
i mean that really sums it up
as it happened they just said that right
yeah yeah four kings fought five kings
yeah exactly as it happened the valley
of the dead sea was filled with tar pits
and as the army of the kings of sodom
and gomorrah fled some fell into the tar
pits while the rest escaped into the
mountains have you ever seen a tar pit
it's a pit of tar i know but like
there's always tar pits and movies and
stuff i've never seen a tar pit and why
why don't we have tar pits i want a tar
what would you do with a tar pit
i don't know i mean is that where you
throw your trash like is that what
they're talking about i mean it seems
like it's like some of this endless void
of things that just sucks down into it
right so it'd be great yeah
yeah it's like a trash compactor
you just throw all your dead bodies that
people you murdered along with
alligators and recyclables exactly
the victorious invaders then plundered
sodom and gomorrah and headed for home
taking with them all the spoils of war
and the food supplies oh burn wouldn't
that be considered spoils of war yeah
isn't does it have to be i mean i don't
know it's like they're saying they took
they broke into my house and they took
all my jewelry and my milk right that's
two separate things okay i mean they
and a bag of sugar okay all right it's
so the spoils of war and the food
supplies got it they also captured lot
abram's nephew who lived in sodom and
carrie and carried off everything he
you are terrible i am terrible but one
escaped and reported everything to abram
the hebrew who was living near the oak
grove belonging to mamrie the amorite
mamrie and his relatives escol and aynor
when he remembered that his nephew lot
had been captured he mobilized the 318
trained men who had been born into his
household then he pursued
kedar lamar's army until he caught up
i just it's funny to me how quickly
everything progresses because they just
showed up and apparently he has trained
armies with him now too yeah i mean just
all these things just come out of
nowhere yeah it's weird but i mean if
you think about it like for 12 going on
13 years now they've been living in this
this wasn't something that he was
unprepared for okay like when you start
training up some people to protect your
it just didn't tell us that part right
right but i'm sure they didn't appear
out of nowhere okay all right
there he divided his men and attacked
during the night kedar lamar's army fled
but abram chased them as far as hoba
damascus abram recovered all the goods
and he brought back his nephew lot with
his possessions and all the women and
i mean really that's just
grotesque it's it's just something that
keeps happening in the bible and it's
just like you know all their slaves and
women well and sometimes god's like you
know planning on it i know grotesque
just grotesque this is unbearable
melchizedek blesses abram
after abram or witchcraft
after abram returned from his victory
over kedar lamar and all his allies the
king of sodom went out to meet him in
the valley of shava that is the king's
deck the king of salem shut up the king
of salem and a priest of god most high
brought abram some bread and wine
blessed abram with his blessing as
opposed to blessing him with his curse
blessed be abram by god most high
creator of heaven and earth and blessed
be god most high who has defeated your
enemies for you didn't god already bless
whatever abram like abram was supposed
to be like the rock star right yeah
so like does he need more blessings i
don't really understand how blessings
work because like if you tell god bless
you aren't you saying like
bestow goodness upon yourself god but
like god already has all the goodies
like i don't i don't really understand
the language i don't understand the
i'm probably being nitpicky but
like words matter to me sure and it's
hard to distinguish what they're talking
about because right there was some like
witchcraftery stuff going on
back then like was there well yeah i
remember we talked about how
people were cursing people and stuff and
all that like there was some weird [ __ ]
going on you're right you're right
then abram gave melchizedek a tenth of
all the goods he had received so he won
a bunch of spoils of war and slaves and
women's and so he didn't just give it
back he just he kept it for himself and
then he gave a little bit some of it
some other dude that blessed him the
king guy so he wasn't really like
he kept it all i mean he is right
i guess we don't know that i'm i'm just
saying like he didn't keep it all
because this guy came in he gave up a
but he certainly didn't return it to the
people so basically like if he won a
hundred dollars he gave dude ten dollars
but he didn't return to the people right
he returned to return a tenth of it to
yeah okay okay you're right i see your
the king of sodom said to abram give
back my people who were captured but you
may keep for yourself all the goods you
abram replied to the king of sodom i
solemnly swear to the lord god most high
creator of heaven and earth that i will
not take so much as a single thread or
sandal thong from what belongs to you
otherwise you might say i am the one who
i will accept only what my young
warriors have already eaten and i
request that you give a fair share of
the goods to my allies aynor esquell and
i think i don't know oh i'd have to see
the math on this and see what happened
well and not only that but there's so
many names that i'm not familiar with
that are difficult that i don't even
know who the good guys are and what team
each one is on right you have to sit
down with like a spreadsheet and like a
map and like yeah pencil and paper this
requires like some serious research it's
too hard because who even cares right
that's the end of chapter 14. okay
genesis chapter 15 a son promised to
some time later the lord spoke to abram
in a vision and said to him do not be
afraid abram for i will protect you and
your reward will be great
again with the rock star is this like
like because i mean god sometimes comes
down and talks to him but he's like he
just showed up in a vision so this is
like the zoom call of duty or like on
but abram replied oh sovereign lord what
good are all your blessings when i don't
since you've given me no children eliza
of damascus a servant in my household
will inherit all my wealth you have
given me no descendants of my own so one
of my servants will be my heir that
sounds like a good deal for that servant
that sounds good maybe the servant is
poisoning them and that's why they can't
i mean if you're getting all that wealth
i'd be like don't have no kid i want
this [ __ ] but like we don't believe in
poisoning right right just to be clear
but this was a long time ago
so old poison is good but no i'm not
saying it's good i'm just saying that
there's a lot of norms back then that
then the lord said to him no
your servant will not be your heir for
you will have a son of your own who will
then the lord took abram outside and
said to him look up into the sky and
count the stars if you can
that's how many descendants you will
and abram believed the lord and the lord
counted him as righteous because of his
faith i mean you know what if the lord
gave me a bunch of freaking treasures
and then told me i was going to be
blessed and a rock star right i would be
like god is great yeah but he's still
complaining he's like i need an heir to
give all my wealth to i know it's not
as a descendant is very very important
yes very it's the most yeah yeah
then the lord told them i am the lord
who brought you out of your of the
chaldeans to give you this land as your
but abram replied oh sovereign lord how
can i be sure that i will actually
possess it damn he questioning the lord
what's he doing here i don't know but
that sounds risky right the lord told
him bring me a three-year-old heifer a
three-year-old female goat a
three-year-old ram a turtle dove and a
young pigeon what the hell and a
animals so abram presented all these to
what that is just grotesque
then he cut each animal down the middle
and laid the halves side by side he did
not however cut the birds in half some
vultures swooped down to eat the
carcasses but abram chased them away
what even is happening here i don't know
i'd be very disturbed if i saw some dude
cutting things in half and laying them
nothing scary story all of a sudden the
was bad but boring the rape was as
expected but all of a sudden we're doing
way too much sacrifice and it's just i
as the sun was going down abram fell
into a deep sleep and a terrifying
darkness came down over him jesus christ
i don't even know then the lord said to
abram you can be sure that your
descendants will be strangers in a
foreign land well they where they will
be oppressed as slaves for 400 years
i thought he was helping him dude out
but he continued i will punish the
nation that enslaves them and in the end
they will come away with great wealth
what oh this is this is like an uh
they're alluding to the the jewish
community like right this is the the
jews right yeah he's alluding to that
i'm gonna punish the nation that
enslaves them and they will come away
with great wealth as for you you will
die in peace and be buried at a ripe old
after four generations your descendants
will return here to this land for the
sims of the amorites do not yet warrant
my god so wait he already knows he's
going to destroy he already he already
knows what's going to happen yeah and
he's not doing anything to help your
descendants are gonna be oppressed as
slaves for 400 years and i'm perfectly
okay with that right just don't even
sweat it because after 400 years i will
punish those people dudes like all
powerful yeah and he's just gonna let
this [ __ ] happen yep because there's
probably some sort of a quote-unquote
yeah i'm sure what i don't like these
lessons right they're [ __ ] lessons
because you know what that's a lot of
right and forced labor yeah i'm just
but i mean like i can't even say
anything because the dude that is being
his descendants be slaves he himself is
a slave owner right so it's like i can't
even he's [ __ ] rich i know like but
not he's got no worries not for long
apparently maybe i don't know i thought
he was gonna be happy his whole life and
die at a ripe old age yeah it'll only be
his it's not gonna affect him it's only
gonna affect his future let me ask you
this so god comes down and is like hey
guess what your kids are gonna hate it
but you'll be fine i'd be like is there
any way around this or wouldn't you be
like thanks for telling me but i didn't
[ __ ] need to know or like maybe
what if i gave up on my wealth to you
right in order to save my future
generations would that help things
because i don't really want them to be
slaves for 400 years yeah yeah
but if there is no way out of this why
are you even just telling me like that
disallows me from enjoying what i have
he questions him about some things but
he's not questioning him about
his people being slaves for 400 years
well he is asleep to be fair okay this
is happening oh this is just another
zoom call yeah it's a zoom clock okay
all right after the sun went down and
darkness fell abram saw a smoking fire
pot and a flaming torch passed between
the halves of the carcasses so the lord
made a covenant with abram that day and
said i have given this land to your
descendants all the way from the border
of egypt to the great euphrates river
the land now occupied by the kenites
kennezites cadminites hittites perizites
raphaites amorites canaanites
girgishites and jebusites and men in
you already said yeah i know but it'll
so but so he's basically talking about
the middle east which is still not
christian right i mean there is some
christian presence there but not has
that 400 years passed yet
i mean we're in 20 because we're before
jesus right now right yeah we're prej so
but you would think that since that's
already passed because it obviously has
right that that would all be christian
well i mean this is because god is
christianity i know okay jewish land
okay okay either way so it should all be
jewish land but it's not it's not even
close to that is it a little bit no
what is it it's islamic huh
it's pretty much all islamic states out
there i don't want to like
bash islam or anything like that i mean
there is there is israel which i think
claimed as their hold in the middle east
but what he's describing is from egypt
to the euphrates and i believe the
east of egypt which would be
not like israel and stuff and that'd be
a large swath of land so basically are
the jews at this point like i'm sorry
i'm really ignorant but are the jews at
all right can we just have israel then i
i mean but it's not what was promised no
it's sadness but it also disproves the
word of god right because he didn't hold
it i mean he didn't hold his price his
prophecy did not come true right
as written in the bible unless it did
later and then they lost it again we
haven't maybe i mean i don't know we're
only in genesis okay maybe 400 years
pass and they get it right quick but
then god's like pulls the football out
from under him like lucy and charlie
brown right i gave it to you
all right all right all right that's the
end of that chapter oh okay so
yeah i don't i don't do you have any
i've got anything i'm just kind of
flabbergasted at all the the blessing
your kids are gonna suck it yeah
like that's just some pretty heavy [ __ ]
who reads this to their children
but remember they have a good friendly
kid bible version okay but this is
a book for the ages and like i read some
pretty heavy [ __ ] but this is
like supposed to be a family book right
and so you're just reading your kid to
sleep and you're like and god told him
to cut those animals in half and then he
did but it's not really supposed to be a
as it was written years ago it was writ
written in aramaic and it was not even
read by anybody except for scholars
because they were not expecting the
masses to actually understand anything
in the book they were supposed to be
told what to think from these passages
so this is basically like a history book
christians what are like claiming as a
not novel but like i don't think they're
claiming no i don't think they're
claiming it's a family book there's
there's there are children's bibles
which are written in a much much more
digestible yeah and leave out all the
rape and torture sure sure which is to
me thus far a large portion of what this
is about well if that was the first book
that these kids were introduced to
they'd probably be turned off from
christianity and and you know judaism
but it's almost like it's almost like
writing a child's version of silence of
the lambs right like no that that
or like a kids bop version of the song
it doesn't work right right
okay i think that's all i have all right
well we'll see everybody next week uh no
i'm sorry we release our podcast every
we'll see you on the next tuesday or
thursday that we release our podcast
because we record these ahead of time
and i'm not sure which one this falls on
so really basically you could have just
skipped all of that and just said see
you next time i sure could have but you
um is there a way for people to contact
they can uh get on our twitter account
we have a twitter account we do what is
it it is sacrilegious underscore d
like d for discourse yeah they wouldn't
let me put the whole thing so
i had to shorten it to underscore d i
hate them yeah that's disgusting and
he's supposed to act religious do you
know i don't want to just look it up in
a dictionary or something
i don't i don't want to do that right
now you know why sacrilegious underscore
d k cause you messed it up and i made
you fix it that's why yeah yeah what
about an email yeah we got that too so
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