[Transcription is auto-generated and may not be perfect]
0:05
hey you welcome to sacrilegious
discourse i'm husband i'm wife and
together we're reading the bible
starting with genesis and eventually
ending with revelations we're working
through every book and offering our
atheist two cents four shekels yeah
we're asking questions and pointing out
all the nonsense we aren't academics or
scholars nope in fact when it comes to
religion we really don't know anything
what we've learned so far is that god's
a dick oh he really is isn't he if
you're interested in how we reached this
startling conclusion maybe start from
episode one otherwise jump in anywhere
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why did this come out late today
because i suck oh okay as long as you're
taking blame then i'm okay with that
yeah yeah normally we release this about
12 hours earlier so anybody who is
waiting on the episode i sincerely
apologize yeah it's all his fault well
what are we talking about today though
um well we're gonna be doing genesis
chapters 16 and 17 but do you remember
what happened last time god stuff
he was grody because he made abram cut
animals in half oh that's right that's
sacrifice all this [ __ ] to me and
um you'll be fine but your your
grandchildren and progeny are going to
suck it for four hundred slaves for four
yeah that's stupid [ __ ] but maybe in 16
hey wife yes husband did you know that
um yes because you told me but also no
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okay so we are at genesis chapter 16
uh you know what that's from
it's uh yes it's from moby dick very
sorry it took me a minute to get this it
did do you know who wrote moby dick
herman melville i am so impressed with
you right now i would totally
make you a sandwich that's awesome
we got to pause now because she's got to
now sarai abram's wife had not been able
to bear children for him remember
um and he was like really pissed off
because he's oh because yeah he needed
an heir to give all his hair his
millions to or whatever oh woe is me
i'm gonna have to leave everything but
his grandchildren are gonna be enslaved
and right he doesn't give a [ __ ] because
he's rich yeah okay yeah okay but she
had an egyptian servant named hagar
sounds like a rough life i thought that
hagar was a man so that really threw me
is hagar gonna actually be the dad no
hagar's a woman oh that's what i'm just
saying she had an egyptian servant named
hagar and i'm like whoa mind blown i
thought hagar was a man's name well yeah
because i was thinking sammy hagar you
know oh my god you're an idiot so sarai
said to abram the lord has prevented me
from having children go and sleep with
my servant hagar perhaps i can have
i have to tell you right now the lord
okay hold on sorry said since i can't
have children oh you husband go sleep
and then i will just steal that baby as
my own but isn't like infidelity like
one of those things that's like not good
with the bible shut stuff um they
haven't had the ten commandments yet so
maybe so it's all good until then i
don't know i think they're still
slaughtering animals and cutting them in
half and stuff right i really don't know
okay but i have to tell you if i could
not have children i would not say hey
go have sex with other people and when
you get them preggers let me take their
babe right right yeah that's a big no
so sarai said to abram oh i already read
that perhaps i can have children through
with sarai's proposal oh i bet he did
so sarai abram's wife took hagar the
egyptian servant and gave her to abram
this happened 10 years after abram had
settled in the land of canaan so
she didn't just say go have sex with my
maid she said and marry her
weird because it couldn't possibly be
the man who's perfect problem that he
can't have children right it's gotta be
the woman it's always the woman's right
and you always apparently still even
though you can marry multiple people you
still have to be married before you can
have sex is that correct i don't know
all i know is that did you know that
clinically actually it's more often a
man's fault that um infertility is a
problem i mean that makes sense it's
everything is the man's fault right but
they blame it on the women's i mean we
so abram had sexual relations with hagar
and she became pregnoid but when hagar
knew she was pregnant she began to treat
her mistress sarai with contempt so
she's basically like nanny nanny boo boo
she's wife number two so she's
technically still like servant made
mistress right right then sarai said to
abram this is all your fault i put my
servant into your arms but now that
she's pragnoid she treats me with
contempt the lord will show who's wrong
she is your servant so deal with her as
you see fit wait wait i thought she was
i don't know what um takes precedence i
i don't i don't okay so she's his wife
but only so they could have sex because
she's pregnant with his child and that's
you know really important to him and
he's like just do whatever you want to
her yeah like so you you don't mind he
basically is like look this is between
you two i'm not getting involved right
right that's gross he's so nasty
then sarai treated hagar so harshly that
wait with his child yep awesome
the angel of the lord god damn it
the angel of the lord found hagar beside
a spring of water in the wilderness
along the road to sure that's so unfair
yeah like like god's got a task force
tracking you down yeah like you have an
internal gps so you can't just be like
guess i'm not [ __ ] getting away from
this [ __ ] right like i'm being abused
i'm going to run away psych
god's got you got me yeah yeah
the angel said to her hagar sarai
servant where have you come from and
where are you going wait so the angel
even though he's she's married to
um and and you know she refer he refers
her as the servant you know what i'm
wondering if it said when she presented
hagar as a wife i think that's like
i'm presenting her to you as a
as i would a wife as a person to sleep
treat her as you would a wife
okay i think that's probably what it was
i don't think he really like picked her
up as a second wife okay all right so
she saw sex with her oh yeah yeah
if he had permission to have sex with
other women i guess why not like to each
their own whatever but just that would
not work that's a sex in this book there
is lots of sex and that would not work
in our life right just so you know right
no obviously okay good i'm glad you take
i'm running away from my mr sarai she
replied the angel of the lord said to
her return to your mistress and submit
to her authority what authorities god
sent an angel down to tell this woman
who had to have sex with a guy to carry
his baby and was a servant slave to
another person to get back and be a
slave and carry this [ __ ] baby yeah
god's a dick i think we already covered
we covered that last time and the time
before i know but i just can't say
enough it's a [ __ ] dick it's true
because basically it's like victim
blaming because it's like saying it's
your fault for being a servant now get
your ass back over there and give them
gross then he added i will give you more
descendants than you can count okay wait
he's telling this to the servant lady
so apparently there's more sexes on the
why would she wants to have wait god
made birth painful and he's like you can
do this as often as you want to you can
have lots of pain isn't that exciting
thanks go [ __ ] yourself
and the angel also said you are now
pregnant and will give birth to a son
you are to name him ishmael which means
god hears for the lord has heard your
cry of distress this son of yours will
be a wild man as untamed as a wild
donkey he will raise his fist against
everyone and everyone will be against
yes he will live in open hostility
against all his relatives how untamed is
i just want to know is this supposed to
be a blessing or a curse because this
sounds like a [ __ ] curse yeah your
son's going to be a complete ass hat
right no worries and they're going to
probably by being raped yeah i'm just
saying yeah it's true that's the way
things go back then thereafter hagar
used another name to refer to the lord
yeah she probably called him [ __ ] she
who had spoken to her she said
you are the god who sees me
what is happening here why is she
remember this book was written by men
i love getting raped and having terrible
children this sounds so fun let's go to
she also said have i truly seen the one
no you were high probably
that well was named beer lahai roy which
means well of the living one who sees me
it can still be found between kadesh and
beret i wonder if that's actually true
who cares i mean because you know the
bible's 2000 years old at least you know
what if that well is still there though
do you even want to go let's go
celebrate where a woman got raped a
bunch of times and had a bunch of babies
she didn't want god told her to go back
and be a slave again yeah let's go let's
go there that sounds like a fun trip we
should go this summer women write yeah
so hagar gave abram hassan and abram
named him ishmael wait wait
how did he know the name of ishmael well
probably [ __ ] came back and was like
god said to do this god told me to come
back and he told me that i have to
submit to you more because you're going
to give me more babies and also you have
to name this one ishmael and he's going
to be a dick but that's all you right
so hagar gave abram and abram named him
ishmael abram was 86 years old when
that's the end of that shitty chapter
well we'll see you on the next chapter
okay husband you are gonna love this
next chapter i'm quite certain i will
chapter 17 circumcision the sign of the
when abram was 99 years old the lord
appeared to him and said i am el shaddai
god almighty serve me faithfully and
live a blameless life i will make a
covenant with you by which i will
guarantee to give you countless
i thought he already had promised him
so why is he saying but let's make
another deal i don't know unless this is
no because this is when he's older yeah
i need a timeline at some point like
because at some point god was like dude
you guys aren't gonna live that long and
he's only had one kid at this point he's
and if they aren't living like
then he can't have countless descendants
at this point or what descendants could
be great grandchildren and stuff like
that too so i guess that could be the
he already made a covenant with him yeah
and now he's like let's do another deal
and your prize is that you'll get
something i already promised you what's
his cove let's hear more at this abram
fell face down on the ground
i bet he did i bet he did
then god said to him this is my covenant
with you i will make you the father of a
what's more i am changing your name it
will no longer be abram instead you will
be called abraham for you will be the
father of many nations okay
i wondered it was pretty close to
abraham and i'm like is there an abraham
and an abram yeah but it's the same dude
so it's the same dude yeah and he
renames them after 99 years of life
right that's [ __ ] that happens a lot
why do you have to rename them i don't
know but there's that happens a lot in
this book there's gonna be some guy that
was named peter and he becomes simon
just overnight maybe god really liked
instead of abram that makes no sense i
don't have a sandwich on the brain well
yeah you were supposed to make me one
instead you will be called abraham for
you will be the father of many nations i
will make you extremely fruitful your
descendants will become many nations and
i will confirm my covenant with you and
your descendants after you from
this is the everlasting covenant i will
always be your god and the god of your
descendants after you i had an
everlasting gobstopper once
and i give the entire land of canaan
where you now live as a foreigner to you
and your descendants i wonder if he
cleared that like with the people
already living there i know he didn't
i'm sure he's a [ __ ] horrible
landlord he's terrible landlord
it will be their possession forever your
descendants and i will be their god
is to obey the terms of the covenant you
and all your descendants have this
this is the covenant that you and your
descendants must keep right now
each male among you must be circumcised
you must cut off the flesh of your
foreskin as a sign of the covenant
between me and you you know and back
then they probably had to use like doll
stones yeah yeah that would release oh
chop off your wiener to prove that
i am your god and i will make sure
that you have lots of children
that are going to be slaves for 400
years why would a god want you to chop
off part of your dick i don't know you
tell me it seems like a really silly
it really does it seems a little bit
arbitrary and i mean if he wanted you to
be that way he could just make you pop
he really could because he's like all
powerful right and and if we're in his
image then he's got some foreskin
right does god have a dick
from generation to generation every male
child must be circumcised on the eighth
this applies not what happens if you do
it on the seven and a half day
you it doesn't count and you have to cut
further back i don't [ __ ] know i made
this applies not only to members of your
family but also to the servants born in
your household and the foreign-born
servants whom you have purchased slaves
right so you buy all these slaves and
then not only do you make them be your
slaves and probably rape the women you
chop off the tip of the men's dicks
good times good times great time to be
you're gonna be working for us the rest
of your life for no pay and now we need
to chop off part of your dick yay
all must be circumcised your bodies will
bear the mark of my everlasting covenant
any male who fails to be circumcised
will be cut off from the covenant family
for breaking the covenant
so stupid i would maybe just skip it
i mean it's almost a good reason to not
yeah i mean i'm really glad now that
um parents are opting out right and
and even though i know that being
i think that it says something positive
that science is catching up and we're
like maybe there's not a medical
necessity for this and also god doesn't
i i'm for that movement yeah
then god said to abraham regarding sarai
your wife her name will no longer be
sarai from now on her name will be sarah
which i'm so glad of because it's easier
to say right and i will bless her and
you raped your servant for no reason yay
but it was with god's blessing
i mean god made the servant come back
yep so that he could have that son yep
that's stupid it's a way for man to have
all the women's all the [ __ ] and all
the babies all the heirs all the slaves
all the everybody it's a man's world
yes i will bless her richly and she will
become the mother of many nations
kings of nations will be among her
descendants then abraham bowed down to
the ground but he laughed to himself in
disbelief how could i become a father at
the age of a hundred he thought and how
can sarah have a baby when she is 99
years old she does not have a whap she
hasn't so this must be back when he
probably this must be that they do have
lowered expectations for life 120 years
so abraham said to god may ishmael live
under your special blessing but god
sarah your wife will give birth to a son
for you you will name him isaac and i
will confirm my covenant with him and
his descendants as an everlasting
covenant as for ishmael i will bless him
also just as you have asked i will make
him extremely fruitful and multiply his
don't forget though for 400 years all
these descendants are going to be slaves
he will become the father of 12 princes
and i will make him a great nation but
my covenant will be confirmed with isaac
who will be born to you and sarah about
when god had finished speaking he left
on that very day abraham took his son
ishmael the one born of hagar yeah and
every male in his household you see
where this is going right
including those born there and those he
cutting off their foreskins just as god
had told him they just lined them up and
like next chop next chop chop next snip
snip snip steve where the [ __ ] are ya
it's time to get your dick chopped
abraham was 99 years old when he was
circumcised you know what if i'm 99 you
ain't coming near my junk that's all i'm
and ishmael his son was 13.
both abraham and his son ishmael were
circumcised on that same day
daddy i like your dick being chopped can
yes son let us get our dicks chopped
together it'll be really fun matching
tattoos not for me thanks we got
matching circumcisions yay
both abraham and his son ishmael were
circumcised on that same day along with
all the other men and boys of the
household whether they were born there
or bought as servants slaves
all were circumcised with him
that's the end of that chapter and i am
even more unimpressed and disgusted with
this book than i have been thus far
which is saying a lot because
there is no redemption to be found here
just dick chopping dick chopping okay
and dap i bet you can't wait to find out
what's gonna happen next week yeah oh
wait wait well yeah no it will be next
week yeah it'll be tuesday
and i'll try to do it on time this time
all right or else no sandwich for you
all right we'll see you guys next
um is there a way for people to contact
they can uh get on our twitter account
we have a twitter account we do what is
it it is sacrilegious underscore d
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hate them yeah that's disgusting how do
you spell sacrilegious do you know i
don't want to just look it up in a
i don't i don't want to do that right
now you know why sacrilegious underscore
d okay because you messed it up and i
made you fix it that's why yeah yeah
what about an email yeah we got that too
sacrilegious discourse at gmail.com oh
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