[Transcription is auto-generated and may not be perfect]
0:05
hey you welcome to sacrilegious
discourse i'm husband i'm wife and
together we're reading the bible
starting with genesis and eventually
ending with revelations we're working
through every book and offering our
atheist two cents four shekels yeah
we're asking questions and pointing out
all the nonsense we aren't academics or
scholars nope in fact when it comes to
religion we really don't know anything
what we've learned so far is that god's
a dick oh he really is isn't he if
you're interested in how we reached this
startling conclusion maybe start from
episode one otherwise jump in anywhere
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so last chapter was a mess huh yeah lots
people that were holding sex parties and
offering up their daughters and then
getting raped by their daughters and
then cities destroyed yeah and that one
got turned into salt because she turned
around that would suck to turn into salt
don't turn around i mean i guess at
least it was a quick death right well
you're gonna turn into salt
don't turn up no just stop
but i wanted to sing it yeah i know stop
okay so it looks like we are ready to
move on to chapters 20 and 21 of genesis
hey wife yes husband did you know that
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genesis chapter 20 abraham and abimelech
but it's somebody that's with abraham
abraham moved south to the negev and
lived for a while between kadesh and
shur and then he moved on to jarrar
while living there as a foreigner
abraham introduced his wife sarah by
because rape things god because i guess
she's still beautiful huh even though
she's like 100 years old yeah
so king abimelech of gerar sent for
sarah and had her brought to him at his
palace i feel like we've mike yeah like
didn't we do this one already but that
night god came to abimelech in a dream
you are a dead man for that woman you
he did sexes with her and then god was
god god literally threatens to kill
somebody yeah over having sex with
but sometimes but generally speaking
rape's okay generally i mean generally
unless it's against your bro right it
just depends like if you're god's bro
you're all right oh wait but it goes on
but abimelech had not slept with her yet
oh good on him yeah so he said lord will
you destroy an innocent nation didn't
abraham tell me she is my sister and she
herself said yes he is my brother
lionessen i acted in complete innocence
yes you are right my hands are clean
so yeah abimelech is like the [ __ ] i
kind of feel bad for the dude other than
the fact that he took a woman
to take you know like he took her right
he intended to sleep with her right
right i mean but other than that
particular thing which again seems very
very common right to the point that
abraham who's you know down with god
feels obligated to pass her off as his
that's how common it is right so that he
doesn't die right like it's not there's
no it's totally selfish because either
way that sarah is getting raped like you
it is but it's understandable either way
she's getting raped right the question
is not if she's getting raped just like
last time the question is
um do i kill you and still rape her or
do we just all be friends and you get to
live and i rape her but there is a
question though because god gave abraham
all this land and all these riches why
the [ __ ] is he visiting all these places
where they get raped it's true like he's
just a dumb ass from what i can gather
yeah he needs to just sit still with his
but abimelech had not slept with her yet
and she said yes that's why
she's my sister my brother innocent oh
in the dream god responded yes i know
you are innocent that's why i kept you
from sinning against me and why i did
it sounds like god's backpedaling like
yeah i knew that right totally yeah
now return the woman to her husband and
he will pray for you for he is a prophet
could you tell me who her husband is
because i was never informed of this
right and all of a sudden abraham's a
[ __ ] prophet right although he knew
to say that abraham said it was her
sister so apparently he had an
inkling that it was not his sister or
whatever or god said it and we just
missed that part i'm still
i'm i'm past that now and i'm at wait
i don't think abraham is this like great
dude he seems like he's like
i mean he's i he's just living maybe
kind of he's just living his best life
slaves and collecting riches and slaves
along the way and you know a beautiful
wife and oh and he got to [ __ ] his maid
right with permission yeah yeah he's
just whatever just i mean rape yeah you
know it was rape basically it was
then you will live but if you don't
return her to him you can be sure that
you and all your people will die
because i like him for some reason right
no reason given whatever right
abimelech got up early the next morning
and quickly called all his servants
when he told them what had happened his
men were terrified then abimelech called
for abraham what have you done to us he
demanded what crime have i committed
that deserves treatment like this making
me and my kingdom guilty of this great
no one should ever do what you have done
whatever possessed you to do such a
but what possessed him to do such a
thing is that he knows his wife is going
to get raped okay all right and that he
is gonna die if he stands up for her
right but god's already promised him
that he'll live and have a son
so he could have just been like
i got god at my back who do you believe
like yeah i mean like what do you
i don't know whatever the whole thing is
dumb yeah abraham replied i thought this
is a godless place they will want my
wife and will kill me to get her and she
really is my sister for we both have the
same father but different mothers
and i married her what well there was a
lot of that ancestral stuff there thank
god you remember when the two girls
raped their dad yes but i thought that
that was supposed to be a weird thing
now all of a sudden they're just like oh
no no everybody marries sorry it's
when goku called me to leave my father's
home and to travel from place to place i
told her do me a favor wherever we go
tell the people i am your brother
i can't even this whole story is
then abimelech took some of his sheep
and goats cattle and male and female
servants slaves and he presented them to
abraham what more gifts yeah dude's rich
enough man yeah he also returned his
wife sister okay just as wife but i
added sister sarah to him then abimelech
said look over my land and choose any
place where you would like to live holy
what i thought he already had like he's
oceans of land he's got the entire
and he said to sarah look i am giving
your quote brother and it does say that
look i am giving your brother
1 000 pieces of silver in the presence
of all these witnesses this is to
compensate you for any wrong i may have
done to you this will settle any claim
against me and your reputation is
then abraham prayed to god and god
healed abimelech his wife and his female
did he say healed him yeah he healed him
he has that power to heal people
well no god did oh god heal okay abraham
prayed to god and god healed abimelech
his wife and his female servants okay
slaves all right sorry so they could
have children ah for the lord had caused
all the women to be infertile because of
what happened with abraham's wife sarah
what that was just like the last night
so like they were infertile and now
they're not again like apparently this
took place over many months oh and
if your leader does something bad then
god punishes all of the women in your
land by not allowing them even if they
have no reason to know they're doing
something bad yeah like none this god
sucks right who wrote this guy right
he's awful i can't stand him
but that's the end of that chapter maybe
he gets nicer as we go on um i mean
there's that whole jesus thing at some
he seems all right but this whole god
thing is just it's a big no for me yeah
no i completely agree i'm
not down with god yeah me neither he's
gross okay well let's find out what
happens next huh okey-dokey all right
genesis chapter 21 the birth of isaac
the lord kept his word and did for sarah
exactly what he had promised she became
pregnant and she gave birth to a son for
abraham in his old age yeah the sun was
for him she had nothing to do with it
and we just jumped ahead by a year here
yesterday totally okay this happened at
just the time god had said it would and
abraham named their son isaac eight days
after isaac was born abraham circumcised
him as god had commanded gotta get that
dick chopping in yeah abraham was 100
years old when isaac was bored and sarah
god has brought me laughter all who hear
this will laugh with me who would have
said to abraham that sarah would nurse a
baby yet i have given abraham a son in
his old age yeah laugh you're gonna have
this kid to grow up in a bunch of rapey
oh boy he's probably gonna be a reaper
off topic if i may sure um stephen king
wrote a book called bag of bones and
there is a cabin within it
called sarah laughs ah interesting now
it's based on a character right but
obviously it's derivative from right the
bible that's the first thing i thought
of when i was just now reading this
right that's interesting interesting
okay actually yeah okay so moving on to
the next section hagar and ishmael sent
when isaac grew up and was about to be
he grew up and was about to be weaned
yeah that i guess growing up means like
three to four years old at this point i
don't know is that grown up i mean by
weed are you assuming that they mean
from the breast or from like childhood
i assumed it had to do with nursing
right but apparently you're growing up
at that point i guess maybe when he grew
up and was about to be weaned abraham
prepared a huge feast to celebrate the
but sarah saw ishmael the son of abraham
and her egyptian servant hagar making
fun of her son isaac so she turned to
abraham and demanded get rid of that
slave woman and her son he is not going
to share the inheritance with my son
this upset abraham very much because
but you also told your wife to do with
that woman as he pleases right and
why is god giving you a second son that
you really need prophesized after your i
but god told abraham do not be upset
over the boy and your servant do
whatever sarah tells you for isaac is
the son through whom your descendants
will be counted but i will also make a
nation of the descendants of hagar's son
because he is your son too
for no reason for no reason right here's
two babies you only need one legitimate
but here's two one illegitimate and it
seemed to you like god sets up things to
cause strife on purpose like it's just
like he's a dick yeah it's like he's
like it's he's playing with fire he's
like what can i do to really [ __ ] with
he's a very bad writer though because if
the people of game of thrones wrote this
they'd never get away with it i mean i'd
willing to let my kids watch game of
um an hbo series based on genesis
it'd be it'd definitely be mixed for me
but the story would be better the amount
right the amount of rape just that
there's a lot of rape in um game of
thrones too but i don't think quite this
much we should like side by side count
by episode or something if i have to
um slit my wrist yeah let's let's not do
so abraham got up early the next morning
prepared food and a container of water
and strapped them on hagar's shoulders
then he sent her away with their son and
she wandered aimlessly in the wilderness
so he was like get [ __ ]
in the water go start a damn nation
somewhere yeah yeah not here when the
water was gone she put the boy in the
shade of a bush then she went and sat
down by herself about a hundred yards
away 100 yards just 100 yards i mean
that's that's a long that's that's
that's a football field away okay that's
she continued i don't want to watch the
boy die she said as she burst into tears
but god heard the boy crying and the
angel of god called to hagar from heaven
hagar what's wrong do not be afraid god
has heard the boy crying as he lies
go to him and comfort him for i will
make him a great nation from his
descendants that was already promised so
like what's the worry here exactly yeah
this is [ __ ] right and then and
repetitive as we keep saying yeah
then god opened hagar's eyes and she saw
a well full of water magic right she
quickly filled her water container and i
guess ran back it doesn't say that and
gave the boy a drink and god was with
the boy as he grew up in the wilderness
he became a skillful archer and he
settled in the wilderness of piranha the
question is though is he a skillful
that is a good question and i would like
to know that i would like who's better
ishmael or nimrod ishmael versus we
should have like we should have like
survival of the fittest yeah or bible
olympics oh bible bible olympics yeah it
almost sounds good but then the bible's
in it and i'm out right because there'd
have to be like a um like an event for
well just it seems to be the common
so his mother arranged for him to marry
a woman from the land of egypt
um section yeah the covenant between
wait which one's abimel that the
covenant between oh abimelech's the one
that we were just talking about
he was gonna rape his wife but he was
but then sorry just trying to keep this
stuff straight it's true because they
keep going back and forth right so i
another covenant a different covenant
though not the wiener one or the rainbow
no weiners or rainbows nope nope okay
about this time abimelech came with
i'm gonna call him fickle
sure i like fickle yeah right
i'm sorry i know this is irreverent but
i just can't isn't that the whole point
i guess okay about this time abimelech
came with fickle his army commander to
visit abraham god is obviously with you
helping you in everything you do
abimelech said swear to me in god's name
that you will never deceive me my
children or any of my descendants i have
been loyal to you so now i swear that
you will be loyal to me and to this
country where you are living as a
abraham replied yes i swear to it
then abraham complained to abimelech
about a well that abimelech servants had
taken by force from abraham's servants
this is the first i've heard of it
abimelech answered i have no idea who is
responsible you have never complained
yeah i'm complaining now [ __ ]
wait no you are correct i have not
complained about it before because this
is the moment right now in which i am
complaining about it right right
dumb okay abraham then gave some of his
sheep goats and cattle to abimelech and
they made a treaty so basically they
just keep trading [ __ ] back and forth
right like it's so weird sorry i stepped
on your toes here's a cow
sorry i stepped on your toes back here's
yeah yeah but abraham also took seven
additional female lambs and set them off
bim like asked why have you set these
seven apart from the others ooh let's
uh what's he gonna do with the 70 set
but he set them free he set them he set
them aside oh well he's probably gonna
cut him in half that's what i guess i
guess he's gonna sacrifice that's god's
portion yeah this is for again i mean
probably probably i don't know i don't
know either abimelech asked why have you
set these seven apart from the others
abraham replied please accept these
seven lambs to show your agreement that
then he named the place beersheba which
means well of the oath because that was
where they had sworn the oath after
making their covenant at beersheba
abimelech left with fickle the commander
of the army and they returned home to
the land of the philistines
then abraham planted a tamarisk tree at
beersheba and there he worshipped the
and abraham lived as a foreigner in
philistine country for a long time the
so what was the covenant exactly
that they were gonna let's not be mad
sometimes they're like these big like oh
you never ever drown the planet ever
and then other times it's just like
i think the words not call it like an
agreement or like uh i think the word is
like not maybe being used in correct
context all the time right because i
mean like at first with like the noah
covenant and stuff where he's not going
to kill all of humanity again i was like
oh a covenant's like this it's a
and then the dick thing and i was like
oh that's that's still pretty big that's
that's a big covenant yeah but this is
like i mean you could have just spit
shook on it you know it's been shook
i mean yeah they could have they could
they totally could have said let's not
fight right and that could have been
maybe like a pinky swear pinky swear i
love it yeah yeah i mean that seems like
appropriate yeah yeah but covenant is
that that whole section seemed pointless
almost it really did like they were mad
over a well and then we'll probably
never hear of what's his name on bimwack
week abimelech and his army leader
fickle we'll probably never hear of him
again i don't know we keep hearing of
them over and over again oh maybe but
but i'm just saying like seem kind of
wedged into the story right and i'm just
saying like you know every once in a
while they bring up something and
they'll do this whole story arc and then
and then you never hear it again it's
like it's kind of like it's kind of like
um you know and sometimes a movie you'll
be watching and you'll be like that girl
was humping the director and so they
wrote a pointless role just so that she
could walk across the stage for no
reason whatsoever yeah you could totally
tell there are some extras that you're
like oh she [ __ ] somebody right and
that's this guy this guy was like ooh
put my name in put my name in there was
probably some really important priest
that wrote this section and they're like
yeah you know i mean he goes he's pretty
all right well you got anything else no
that's that's it that's the end of that
well that was uh that was thursday that
was third no yeah oh yeah yeah yeah this
is for thursday that's right yeah
thursday yeah my bad yeah
see you next week see you next week on
um is there a way for people to contact
they can uh get on our twitter account
we have a twitter account we do what is
it it is sacrilegious underscore d like
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hate them yeah that's disgusting how do
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don't to just look it up in a dictionary
i don't i don't want to do that right
now you know why sacrilegious underscore
d okay because you messed it up and i
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what about an email yeah we got that too
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