[Transcription is auto-generated and may not be perfect]
0:05
hey you welcome to sacrilegious
discourse i'm husband i'm wife and
together we're reading the bible
starting with genesis and eventually
ending with revelations we're working
through every book and offering our
atheist two cents four shekels yeah
we're asking questions and pointing out
all the nonsense we aren't academics or
scholars nope in fact when it comes to
religion we really don't know anything
what we've learned so far is that god's
a dick oh he really is isn't he if
you're interested in how we reached this
startling conclusion maybe start from
episode one otherwise jump in anywhere
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so do you remember what happened last
trying really hard here uh
i remember there was a covenant i
remember there was a covenant but do you
it was something really stupid so i
think i said that they could have spit
shook on it yeah yeah what happened was
was gonna sleep with sarah
okay oh yeah yeah and god was gonna kill
him and stuff and god was like don't you
touch her hair on her head right
he's like whoa dude god what the
oh wait no that's right we don't ever
get to hear what sarah thinks of the
whole thing because women don't matter
right right i mean that's made perfectly
part of it and then there was the birth
oh yeah the true son that's not the
wife that wasn't really a wife that's
right and hagar and ishmael got sent
away right yeah so you remember all that
sure okay all right so what are we
talking about today we are talking about
okay that sounds right sure okay all
right well let's do this thing okay
hey wife yes husband did you know that
um yes because you told me but also no
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okay so we're about to get into some
real bullshittery oh yeah yeah genesis
chapter 22 is serious [ __ ]
unlike the other serious [ __ ] i mean
there's a lot of serious [ __ ] but
this one is not boring it's serious
[ __ ] okay it's called abraham
commanded to offer isaac are you
familiar with this story not offhand no
okay it is bullshittery at its finest
all right well let's hear it okay
sometime later god tested abraham's
faith abraham exclamation point god
take your son your only son
last night yeah i mean he has two yeah i
just like nothing poor ishmael he's he's
forget about ishmael i mean you raped
that one woman for it and you know right
yeah with my blessing apparently and
right and now we're just not going to
talk about that anymore yeah they don't
count now take your son your only
yes isaac whom you love so much and go
to the land of mariah like mariah carey
go and sacrifice him as a burnt offering
on one of the mountains which i will
show you what the hell yeah just go kill
your kid that's ridiculous i told you it
was bullshittery that is bullshittery i
mean let me just ask you this so god
comes down and is like go sacrifice your
kid on a mountain oh hell no no
isn't there that other religion that you
die and you get like a bunch of virgins
i think that might be like islam or
something sure like that sounds a hell
of a lot better you need virgins i mean
it sounds better than sacrificing my kid
how about just nothing how about you
just die and you don't have to
sacrifice christians or kids that's what
i tend to believe but you know
i know if god came down and told me
sacrifice your kid i would be like you
need to go [ __ ] yourself right oh
totally i mean this is [ __ ] yeah but
abraham does it the next morning abraham
got up early he saddled his donkey and
got up early he got up early
and he saddled his donkey and took two
of his servants with him along with his
son isaac then he chopped wood for a
fire for a burnt offering and set out
for the place god had told him about
on the third day of their journey
abraham looked up and saw the place in
the distance stay here with the donkey
abraham told the servants the boy and i
will travel a little farther yeah he
doesn't want his [ __ ] servants to see
what he's about to do well yeah because
the boy and i will travel a little
further we will worship there and then
we will come right back and now he's
lying yeah he's a [ __ ] liar he is
kill his kid and he doesn't want anybody
to see what he's about to do
because even he knows this probably i
wonder if you can discuss this with
i have no idea i mean probably not right
i wonder if something but sarah would
not be okay she might have some choice
so abraham placed the wood for the burnt
offering on isaac's shoulders i wonder
if if isaac knows what's about to happen
i mean i doubt it he's carrying his own
fire wood to his own death
no wow he himself carried the fire and
the knife as the two of them walked on
together isaac turned to abraham and
yes my son abraham replied we have the
fire and the wood the boy said but where
is the sheep for the burnt offering uh
so he doesn't he doesn't know yeah i
mean damn you know so he's lying to his
own son well he's about to look god will
provide a sheep for the burnt offering
my son abraham answered so he lied to
the servants he's lying to his son he
probably didn't tell sarah and he's just
gonna sneak off and he's just gonna go
kill his son it just doesn't sound very
godly like shouldn't you be saying the
truth shouldn't she be telling exactly
like i'm sorry son but god has said that
you need to be sacrificed for the
greater good of the world and i don't
know why and i don't care why i'm not
going to ask why it's god's word yep and
i just blindly do whatever god tells you
but no he's going to lie because it's
easier well yeah okay and also because
and when they both and they both walked
on together when they arrived at the
place where god had told him to go
abraham built an altar and arranged the
wood on it then he tied his son isaac
and laid him on the altar on top of the
i'm just imagining him sitting there
going uh dad yeah right dad
what the [ __ ] is going on here
i'm sorry i came in late yesterday but
jesus christ this is a bit
when you said i was grounded i thought
you meant like to my room not like to
death right yeah and abraham picked up
the knife to kill his son as a sacrifice
that's like a mic drop like boom right
he's about to kill his kid in the end
at that moment the angel of the lord
abraham exclamation point abraham
exclamation point yes abraham replied
don't lay a hand on that boy exclamation
point the angel said do not hurt him in
any way for now i know that you truly
fear god which because fear is a good
i know that i know that you should
always fear your leader not respecting
it i mean i totally love working for
people that make me fear them and that's
when you're in charge of people don't
you like when i leave yeah i lead by
fear all the time yeah that's definitely
something that's written in every
leadership manual ever and no way
whatsoever right yeah this is [ __ ]
this god is dumb it's like he's never
read any management book ever
i should give him the seven habits of
highly effective people oh my goodness
you have not withheld from me even your
son your only son well your only
then abraham looked up and saw a ram
caught by its horns in a thicket so he
took the ram and sacrificed it as a
burnt offering in place of his son oh
goody look there's something we can kill
i love killing things because we got to
abraham named the place yahweh yira
which means the lord will provide to
this day people still use that name as a
proverb on the mountain of the lord it
will be provided so yahweh is like
that's another name for the lord right
i'm surprised you knew that what what
exactly is a proverb do you know a
proverb is um like a saying it's like
it's a it's a thing that is a lesson
okay all right so like these are tails
that got handed down after by no you're
thinking parable oh okay okay okay a
parable is a story that got handed down
that has a moral or a point okay whereas
a proverb is just a phrase or a quote
that has a moral or a point got it okay
then the angel of the lord called again
to abraham from heaven this is what the
lord says because you have obeyed me and
have not withheld even your son your
i swear by my own name then i will
certainly bless you i swear to me
i mean i cannot get past that like he is
swearing on his own name doesn't that
right like if i that's what we should
just start saying we should say i swear
i promise on me my own name that i did
not buy more scrapbooking or planner
supplies just by the nature of it isn't
that like a meaningless saying like i
mean yeah that's what i'm saying why
should i care if you swear to yourself
because right like either you're telling
the truth and i believe you or you're
telling the the truth and i don't
believe you or you're lying and i
believe you or you're lying and i don't
believe you like those are your four
options there right like you swearing on
your own name doesn't really matter into
i will multiply your descendants beyond
number you know just like i already
[ __ ] yeah i thought he was gonna yeah
he was gonna have descendants that
are more than the stars remember oh he's
about to say it again like the stars in
the sky and the sand on the seashore
very good memory there yeah your
descendants will conquer the cities of
their enemies because conquering is
awesome but not until 400 years is that
probably i don't know because i gotta be
slaves for a bit yeah they do have to be
slaves for a bit and through your
descendants all the nations of the earth
will be blessed all because you have
okay so he was gonna kill his kid
right but because he didn't
then god's going to do what he promised
he was going to do anyway anyway
like what would have happened if abraham
was like nah that seems not right that
seems right like why couldn't he be
testing his faith that well i'm sure
somebody that you know believes in all
and god knows that he's going to pass
them that's how he already knew but it's
building that faith and showing them why
they're faithful and blah blah blah
right i'm not gonna kill my kid for you
no [ __ ] off [ __ ] off and shame on you
no good god would ask that of a person
okay your descendants blah blah blah
then they return to the servants oh so
it turns out he wasn't lying when he
told them to wait and they they'd be
he was lying based on his knowledge at
the time yeah yeah and they traveled
back to beersheba where abraham
soon after this abraham heard that milka
his brother nehor's wife had borne nehor
eight sons the oldest was named ooze the
next oldest was booze followed by
i don't know followed by camille the
pilladash jidlaf and bethiol that theol
became the father of rebecca i know that
she's like a person later in the bible
but i think didn't she tell me you like
one of those stories or something that
maybe i don't remember well
i'm not really familiar with a lot of
this stuff but when i am you'll know it
got it in addition to these eight sons
from milka nehor had four other children
tahash and mecca i mean this you know
christians are always like
type thing in marriage and blah blah
blah blah blah blah it was pretty loose
back then yeah like so loose like it was
like it was definitely whatever i'm
gonna go [ __ ] i'm gonna go [ __ ] if
you're a man right right if you're a
woman you're just like i have to be
[ __ ] by so many men please don't kill
oh and i really really like burying all
these children all the time yeah yeah
all the time i love having babies that's
yeah i've got to cook wash people's feet
what i find absurd is that there's this
slash not sacrificing his son isaac and
then there's just this little tidbit at
the end where oh and abraham had a
sister who had all these kids the end
oh sorry that's the end of the chapter
yeah that's so they just throw that [ __ ]
in all the time like it's like oh yeah
by the way here they go okay yeah here's
a great story i mean great being you
know questionable dumb ass is like it's
like they forgot to add portions and
they're like wait how are we gonna
explain this later if we don't throw
this in okay just write a little blurb
there at the end of that one so
isaac was almost killed but he wasn't
and then abraham found out his sister
yeah it just seems a little slapped
together sometimes this is a horrible
book yeah all right so we're gonna go on
yeah all right see you guys in a minute
so after all of that murder and mayhem
that got avoided and averted um are you
ready for genesis chapter 23 i guess so
abraham buys a burial ground for sarah
oh is sarah gonna die i think she's
gonna die he had to buy it i thought he
owned like [ __ ] like half the world
that's what i thought too so i don't
know i find that a little surprising
127 years old wait i thought they
couldn't live past 120 i don't [ __ ]
know i can't even keep track anymore
right and does it really matter who
cares right yeah she died at corieth
arba now called hebron in the land of
canaan there abraham mourned and wept
that's nice but how much could he really
love her when he was perfectly fine
then leaving her body he said to the
hittite elders here i am a stranger and
a foreigner among you please sell me a
piece of land so i can give my wife a
proper burial oh so he was traveling in
some land that he didn't own which was
i don't understand why he was traveling
he travels a lot for like i can't figure
out why it doesn't make any sense like
you have all this land why are you
always somewhere else yeah why wouldn't
you just stay on your own [ __ ] land
right and then you could bury your wife
at home i mean maybe he likes to travel
i guess that could be that but she's 127
yeah just say 127 to stay at home you
the hittites replied to abraham listen
my lord you are an honored prince among
us choose the finest of our tombs and
no one here will refuse to help you in
then abraham bowed low before the
hittites and said since you are willing
to help me in this way be so kind as to
son of zohar to let me buy his cave at
down at the end of his field i will pay
the full price in the presence of
witnesses so i will have a permanent
burial place for my family
so they used to bury them in caves i
guess i mean i know jesus was buried in
yeah before he came and it makes sense
it's down below ground and it's sort of
like a natural like but like how many
caves can there be before you're like we
don't have any more caves why there's
quite a few caves but are there enough
for every single person who ever gets
buried because it's not like i don't
know why don't we ask a scientist that's
there's a lot of room in mammoth cave
are there are there enough caves in the
world for all the people to be buried in
ephraim was sitting there among the
others and he answered abraham as the
others listened speaking publicly before
all the hittite elders of town
no my lord he said to abraham please
listen to me i will give you the field
and the cave here in the presence of my
people i give it to you go and bury your
people just give this guy like
everything i know they must have really
liked him i guess either that or they
knew he was in tight with god and they
were like i mean you know the word's
probably getting around at this point
like yeah don't don't screw with this
guy he's like just give him whatever he
wants and then try to get away maybe god
won't kill you yeah or like make your
women barren or something right jeez
abraham again bowed low before the
citizens of the land and he replied to
ephron as everyone listened no listen to
me i will buy it from you let me pay the
full price for the field so i can bury
shut up and take my money
ephron answered abraham my lord please
listen to me they're both like listen
right listen they're fighting over
the wrong sides of like whatever yeah
dad loves you more no he loves me what
no i want god to bless me so take this
damn land right that's kind of what it
sounds like the land is worth 400 pieces
of silver but what is that between
friends go ahead and bury your dead
so abraham agreed to ephron's price and
paid the amount he had suggested 400
pieces of silver weighed according to
the market standard the hittite elders
witnessed the transaction
so abraham bought the plot of land
macpalla near mamrie this included the
field itself the cave that was in it and
all the surrounding trees it was
transferred to abraham as his permanent
possession in the presence of the
hittite elders at the city gate i mean
they cover it in this much detail it
sounds like this land must become
but maybe not maybe not awesome thing
but maybe not but i'm like three
sentences from the end of the chapter oh
so apparently it's probably not probably
not and but like if you were reading a
regular book yeah you'd expect this to
be like something oh what's this going
to be what what's going on on that land
why is that guy so eager to give it away
maybe it's haunted maybe there's
vampires why is you know abraham so
eager to buy it right like is there gold
or oil and you know with all the god
things happening maybe god like has some
abraham was buying it or something
whatever yeah if this was a real story
it could be so interesting right but
it's not so it's horrible it's really
it was transferred to abraham as his
permanent possession in the presence of
the hittite elders at the city gate then
abraham buried his wife sarah there in
canaan in the cave of machpelah near
mamrie also called hebron so the field
and the cave were transferred from the
hittites to abraham for use as a
permanent burial place the end that's so
boring that was just like land transfer
for burial right there it is that's that
whole chapter was just i bought land i
that's that whole chapter was
what the hell is that what what is any
it's so confusing backwards dumb
repetitive sometimes and leaves out
leaves out lots of details other times
right yeah yeah like i loved i still
want to know more about uh um uh what's
the hunter guy the hunter guy nimrod
ramrod yeah i love nimrod i mean nimrod
sounds exciting but they left all the
details out there's like nimrod greatest
hunter of all time the end the end
i'm like what the [ __ ] let's hear more
about nimrod he sounds interesting
i mean for all we know he's like the
hercules of his time right right i want
i'm going to write a story about nimrod
just to make you happy i think we should
do a bonus episode at the end of this um
where we do some research into nimrod
and see if there's any like
you know information on them okay that
could be fun yeah no not not at the end
of genesis yeah maybe we'll look in a
nimrod okay because i really want to
know more about nimrod i will see what
i'm really hoping there's more
and i really like saying the word nimrod
i'll see what i can dig up for you all
all right well i guess that's it for
this week yeah okay well uh we will see
you guys next tuesday no this is a
tuesday isn't it no oh is this thursday
no oh yeah what no this is a tuesday
who even knows we never know what day of
the week it is also we pre-record these
sorry what is time yeah exactly and who
cares we'll see you sometime anyway yep
um is there a way for people to contact
us well sure they can uh get on our
twitter account we have a twitter
account we do what is it it is
sacrilegious underscore d
yeah they wouldn't let me put the whole
i had to shorten it to underscore d i
hate them yeah that's disgusting how do
you spell sacrilegious do you know i
don't want to just look it up in a
i don't i don't want to do that right
now you know why sacrilegious underscore
d okay cause you messed it up and i made
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about an email yeah we got that too so
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