[Transcription is auto-generated and may not be perfect]
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hey you welcome to sacrilegious discourse i'm husband i'm wife and together we're reading the bible
starting with genesis and eventually ending with revelations we're working through every book and offering our
atheist two cents four shekels yeah those we're asking questions and pointing out
all the nonsense we aren't academics or scholars nope in fact when it comes to religion we really don't know anything
at all what we've learned so far is that god's a dick oh he really is isn't he if
you're interested in how we reached this startling conclusion maybe start from episode one otherwise jump in anywhere
hey wife we just got a new sponsor it's anchor they must think we're doing something right because they picked us back up that's amazing want to hear
something even more amazing uh yeah i actually know what they are you are full of [ __ ] i'm calling your bluff tell me
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okay so do you remember what we talked about last time honestly no okay you never remember sometimes i
remember last time i remembered something i think you don't even remember if you remember
you like me not to pay any attention to this so i can just like off the cuff respond to bible [ __ ] okay you are
using my words against me and i don't appreciate it okay so what happened last time was that
god commanded um abraham to murder his child isaac that's [ __ ] and abraham
was like sure and isaac was like but wait what right and then god was like psych
yeah and then and then um his wife died and he bought some land to
bury her in a cave the end right that's right the land transfer it was kind of boring i mean you know it wasn't
compared to like all the raping and and yeah it was like one extreme to the
other and city destroying it yeah it was like to land transfer the worst possible
thing that you could imagine to the most boring thing that you could almost exciting with the killing of the kid but
you know not quite because i mean i think you stopped it i think that god going just kidding i think that that is
pretty like that you don't see that coming right right because god loves things dying right yeah
all right so this week or this this time this whatever what is time right we are doing
genesis chapter 24 and chapter 25. that sounds
legit right maybe i think that's right okay
wait yeah that was 23 yeah we're on 24 and 25. okay let's do this all right
hey wife yes husband did you know that we are now on patreon
um yes because you told me but also no tell me more [Laughter]
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[Music] okay so shit's about to get real again
oh yeah yeah no more lane transfers no at least i don't know here we go ready okay genesis
chapter 24 a wife obtained for isaac
i mean i don't know no i don't that doesn't sound like you know
compared to life obtained for isis right but like arranged marriages and stuff like that was i said woman it was kind
of make me a sammich just kind of the norm back then i mean heck they still do stuff like that over in india and stuff so
it's so gross okay well all right i'm just saying in the grand scheme of things with killings and
you know all that kind of crap maybe it's because i'm a woman that i just find it highly like whoa that's crazy
right no i mean i don't disagree with you but i think you would be more up in arms if you were a woman in the context
of the bible though i'm just saying in the context of the bible this seems as compared to rape
yeah i mean and killing your child yeah all right or cities i don't know it to me it
seems like degrees of cancer like well i mean skin cancer is okay it's the
testicular and breast cancer you really want to avoid i think we can agree that the bible sucks it's all cancer right
okay abraham was now a very old man and the lord had blessed him in every way
no [ __ ] yeah and other people blessed him too multiple times over one day abraham said to his oldest
servant the man in charge of his household take an oath by putting your hand under my thigh
what did i read that correctly yes take an oath by putting your hand under my thigh
that's weird swear by the lord the god of heaven and earth that you will not allow my son to
marry one of these local canaanite women go instead to my homeland to my relatives and find a wife there for my
son isaac so servant slaves are entrusted to carry
out the choosing of the wife the choosing of the wife yeah that's weird very weird
the servant asked but what if i can't find a young woman who is willing to travel so far from home should i then
take isaac there to live among your relatives and the land you came from why don't you just tell him how rich his dad
is and i mean no exclamation point abraham responded
i i don't know you notice this but i always have to emphasize when an exclamation point is used because it's
like emphatic and i don't i don't know that my tone gets that across enough
sure be careful never to take my son there
for the lord the god of heaven who took me from my father's house and my native land
solemnly promised to give this land to my descendants he will send his angel
ahead of you what and he will see to it that you find a wife there for my son if she is
unwilling to come back with you then you are free from this oath of mine but under no circumstances are you to take
my son there so a servant and an angel walk into an unknown land that sounds like the third
of a really odd joke i don't i don't get this like
no he can never go home what i i don't know your relatives suck that hard but
you want one of them for his wife okay right weird yeah so the servant took an
oath by putting his hand under the thigh of his master abraham he swore to follow abraham
[Laughter] sorry couldn't help myself he swore to follow
abraham's instructions i mean i'd swear to anything if somebody had
their hand under my thigh this is weird right like that's arbitrary yeah that's
an odd place to put your hand they didn't didn't hadn't invented
pinkie squares yet or something shakes apparently spit shakes then he loaded ten of abraham's camels
with all kinds of expensive gifts from his master that's right because you have to buy women yeah
and he traveled to distant aram haram sorry
there he went to the town where abraham's brother nehor had settled you know nehor i mean they mentioned him
before i think yeah because they mentioned after um a bunch of crap happened then they were like and his
brother nehor had a wife who had babies that's right yeah he made the camels kneel beside a well
just outside the town it was evening and the women were coming out to draw water
oh lord god of my master abraham he prayed please give me success today and show
unfailing love to my master abraham see i am standing here beside this
spring and the young women of the town are coming out to draw water this is my
request i will ask one of them please give me a drink from your jug if she says yes have a drink and i will water
your camels too let her be the one you have selected as isaac swift
that's a low bar that's a really low bar if she offers human decency marry that [ __ ]
immediately intelligence doesn't matter beauty not a thing um just just
water for the camera basic human decency i mean it is i guess that's a good test it is kind of a nice bar right it's true
because i mean there's some people we live around that i wouldn't necessarily trust across that bar that true that is
true i i guess it's better than nothing so we take back our negative judgment yeah okay and actually i'm just prone to
like not like the bible so you know yeah we were quick to judgment there but yeah okay this is how i will know that you
have shown unfailing love to my master before he had finished praying he saw a
young woman named rebecca coming out with her water jug on her shoulder there's a name we might know yeah she
was the daughter of bethule who was the son of abraham's brother nahor and his
wife milka so once again very closely related gross cousins
basically yeah rebecca was very beautiful and old enough to be married but she was still a virgin or at least
that's what she told all the boys anyway she went down to the spring filled her
jug and came up again running over to her the servant said please give me a little drink of water from your jug
yes my lord she answered have a drink and she quickly lowered her jug from her shoulder and gave him a drink when she
had given him a drink she said i'll draw water for your camels too until they have had enough to drink that
was convenient and quick right like you know you don't even have to look around just the first one you meet and she's
beautiful right plus i mean damn so she quickly emptied her jug into the
watering trough and ran back to the well to draw water for all his camels the servant watched her in silence wondering
whether or not the lord had given him success in his mission i mean the curiosity this is abraham's brother does he have
no service to this he sends his daughters to do it to draw water that is um i don't know i
mean he had a lot of kids so i would have figured he'd be like you know pseudo-rich because he's like abraham's brother who cares whatever it doesn't
matter i mean decide the women do all the work right that's true then at last when the camels had
finished drinking he took out a gold ring for her nose and two large gold bracelets for her wrists
whose daughters whose daughter are you he asked and please tell me would your father have any room to put us up for
the night i am the daughter of betheel she replied my grandparents are nehor and milka yes
we have plenty of straw and feed for the camels and we have room for guests the man bowed low and worshipped the lord
praise the lord the god of my master abraham he said the lord has shown
unfailing love and faithfulness to my master for he has led me straight to my master's relatives
the young woman ran home to tell her family everything that it happened did she bring them with them because
they were staying there she ran ahead oh okay he's got all his camels oh yeah it's gonna take him a little bit more time yeah okay because you know camels
right right they slow herding camels but i've seen him yeah yeah sure yeah okay
now rebecca had a brother named laban laban labon
laven sure i'm gonna say lay bad who ran out to meet the man at the spring he had seen
the nose ring and the bracelets on his sister's wrists and had heard rebecca tell the man
tell what the man had said and had heard rebecca tell what the man
had said so he rushed out to the spring where the man was still standing beside his camels laban said to him
come and stay with us you who are blessed by the lord why are you standing here outside the town when i have a room
all ready for you and a place prepared for the camels so the man went home with laban and laban unloaded the camels gave
him straw for their bedding fed them and provided water for the man and the camel drivers to wash their feet
then food was served but abraham's servant said i don't want to eat until i have told
you why i've come all right layman said tell us i am abraham's servant he explained and
the lord has greatly blessed my master he has become a wealthy man the lord has given him flocks of sheep and goats
herds of cattle of fortune and silver and gold and many male and female servants slaves and camels and donkeys
when sarah my master's wife was very old she gave birth to my master's son and my
master has given him everything he owns you know his only son right not that illegitimate ishmael right yeah
poor ishmael and my master made me take an oath he said do not allow my son to marry one of
these local canaanite women go instead to oh my gosh she's going to repeat the whole [ __ ] thing well because you
know they like repetitiveness go instead to my father's house to my relatives and find a wife there for my
son but i said to my master what if i can't find a young woman who is willing to go back with me he responded the lord
and whose presence i have lived will send his angel with you and will make your mission successful yes you must find a wife for my son from among my
relatives from my father's family then you will have fulfilled your obligation but if you go to my relatives and refuse
to let her go with you you will be free from my oath did the angel show up yet i missed that part if he did
no not according to this text all right all right so today when i came to the spring i prayed this prayer o lord god of my
master abraham please give me success on this mission see i am standing here beside this spring this is my request
when a young woman comes to draw water i will say to her please give me a little drink of water from your jug if she says yes have a drink and i will draw water
for your camels too let her be the one you have selected to be the wife of my master's son before i finish praying in my heart i saw rebecca coming out with
her water jug on her shoulder she went down to the spring and drew water so i said to her please give me a drink she quickly lowered her jug from her
shoulder and said yes have a drink and i will water your camels too so i drink and then she wanted to camp water not
wanted so i drink and then she watered the camels why are you reading so fast because it's repetitive and i'm gonna do
that from now on when it's telling the same story twice i was just trying to i was making sure our listeners understood
that we're reading exactly the same damn thing we just read so like two seconds ago i'm boring it's boring and stupid
yeah so i'm like blah blah blah then this happened again and again and again yeah right
then i asked whose daughter are you she replied i am the daughter of bethel and my grandparents are nay or milka so i put the ring on her nose and the
bracelets on her wrist and i bow low and worship the lord i praise the lord the god of my master abraham because he had
led me straight to my master's niece to his son's wife it's like they took the whole thing
copied it but changed the point of view or the perspective they were telling it from from third person to first yeah like
that was so stupid so tell me will you or won't you show unfailing love and faithfulness to my
master you know yeah i just met you and this is crazy
please tell me yes or no and then i'll know what to do next check the box please yeah
you like me yes i know then laban and bethel replied the lord
has obviously brought you here so there is nothing we can say here is rebecca take her and go we must submit to the
lord because otherwise he'll kill us and [ __ ] and make our women infertile right so what are we supposed to do i know
right like do we really have a choice here right yes let her be the wife of your master son as the lord has directed
kissing cousins when abraham's servant heard their answer he bowed down to the ground and
worshipped the lord then he brought out silver and gold jewelry and clothing and presented them to rebecca he also gave
expensive presents to her brother and mother well of course he did because he's buying yeah you're buying a woman
yeah because she must be let's go to market and buy ourselves a woman because
you know what else are you gonna do right then they ate their meal and the servant and the men with him stayed there
overnight but early the next morning abraham's servant said send me back to my master but we want rebecca to stay
with us at least 10 days her brother and mother said then she can go but he said
don't delay me the lord has made my mission successful now send me back so i can return to my master
well i didn't say anything about a time frame i know besides the angel hasn't even come down
yet i was promised i know what's what's up with this well they said we'll call
rabeska rebecca and ask her what she thinks what
they're gonna they're gonna ask a woman what she thinks oh my mind just exploded
so they called rebecca are you willing to go with this man they asked her and she replied yes i will go so they said
goodbye to rebecca and sent her away with abraham's servant and his men i mean at least they were like hang on now
right i guess but then they were like okay bye yeah like you're just taking our daughter away for life um yeah
god forbid we spend 10 more days with her right now this whole thing
i bought her you will give her to us now right the woman who had been rebecca's
childhood nurse went along with her they gave her this blessing as she parted our
sister may you become the mother of many millions may your descendants be strong and conquer the cities of their enemies
then rebecca and her servant girls slaves mounted the camels and followed the man why is it all about being strong
and conquering like isn't shouldn't god want peace and love i mean i think that
it only comes in the new testament okay that's a jesus hippie but doesn't that just
point directly to the flaw of god yeah okay yeah yeah god's a dick remember you
determine this from day [ __ ] i know i know i'm just i'm just throwing it out there again because
because what else do i got to do so abraham's servant took rebecca and went on his way meanwhile isaac whose
home was in the negev had returned from lahai roy
i'm sure he did one evening as he was walking and meditating in the fields he looked up and saw the camels coming when
rebecca looked up and saw isaac she quickly dismounted from her camel who is that man walking through the
fields to meet us she asked the servant and he replied it is my master so rebecca covered her face with her veil
what did we have to wear veils back then if we were i guess she didn't want to be
seen by her by her groom master that's crazy then the servant told isaac everything
he had done which please don't i hope that we don't have to reread that and isaac brought rebecca into his
mother sarah's tent and she became his wife he loved her deeply and she was a special comfort to him after the death
of his mother wow that all happened like that's gross and they were
she was his wife and they fell in love and left happily ever after there was lots of comfort and stuff yeah okay yeah
i hate it um when my mom dies and then i get a wife all of a sudden it's just they cover
some stuff like in like so much detail and then they just like
like yeah like they're like and let's just end this right here okay yeah we're done with that yeah
was that the end of the chapter that's the end of the chapter they fell in love the end all right well let's uh let's go on to
the next chapter eh oh that sounds very exciting yeah that one wasn't that exciting sorry that's right maybe the
next one will be i mean every it's kind of hit or miss you know it really land transfers marriages
rape cities i think that this one was neither overly stimulating nor
a snorefest right it was just a story it was meh yeah okay let's see what's next
genesis chapter 25 has five mini little sections in it okay just so you know all
right so um these have been like the last one was a long segment so yeah but this one's
pretty short like there's five little just paragraphs okay yeah all right yeah so here we go
ready yep okay genesis chapter 25 abraham's descendants through katura
abraham married another wife whose name was katura she gave birth to zimron
jakshan [Music] holy crap abraham was over 100 years old
like he had to be like 120 something when he got married again and had multiple more children yeah
at least a year in like nine months you know them sperms be lasting he's gotta be
like pushing like a hundred and thirty forty at this point yeah jack sham was the father of sheba and
didn't dan's descendants were the as asteroids asher
whatever medea medean sons were ifa ifer hanek abita and elda so many
names these were all descendants of abraham through katura you know like we just [ __ ] said yeah abraham gave
everything he owned to his son isaac but before he died he gave gifts to the sons of his concubines
and sent them off to a land in the east away from isaac oh my god oh geez all of
those illegitimate children's like issues i don't know i'll always have a soft spot in my heart for ishmael though yeah
the death and burial of abraham abraham lived right 175 years 175 holy crap
and he died at a ripe old age having lived a long and satisfying life and longer than he should have apparently
yeah because you know that's true yeah yeah god's supposed to live past 120. yeah god did put a ixnay
on that but apparently only kind of and sort of sometimes yeah he breathed his last and joined his
ancestors in death his sons isaac and ishmael buried him in the cave of
machpelah near mamrie in the field of ephraim son of zohar the hittite was
that the same field this was the field abraham had purchased from the hittites and where he had buried his wife sarah
yeah i'm good one thing that always bothered me about sarah is that he was she was apparently
still rapable in her like 120s i'm like who the hell gets to be 120
years old and it's still like beautiful as like you know when they're 20. well
apparently sarah these people were really blessed they were so i mean i don't know but they also didn't have
like microwaves yeah there's that i guess or vaccines or
but they also didn't have medicine or that's what i'm saying they didn't have good stuff so yeah
yeah my point is that anytime you look back at a past point of history and say they had
it good just remember that we have it good too because elevators i guess and spacious nobody now gets to live to 175
right but is that necessarily a bad thing i mean like on a personal level yes i would love to live to that age but
if humanity could live that way do you really want cause a real problem with social security it would and just think
about all of the asshats running around right like and they they would just never die yeah ever that would joke
yeah the death and burial of abraham oh wait he lived 175 and was buried near his
wife after abraham's death god blessed his son isaac who settled near beer lahi
roy in the negev okay the descendants of ishmael ah this that's ishmael back to ishmael
oh i have a soft spot for illegitimate i know right illegitimate son like i i'm
always just gonna be like poor ishmael right unless i find out he's a dick but thus far he probably is but you know what so
far you were told like from birth you're not the real son you're not the real son you're not the real son like from day
one you suck you suck you suck yeah like i think i'd probably be a dick too yeah
this is the account of the family of ishmael the son of abraham through hagar sarah's egyptian servant slave
here is a list by their names and clans of ishmael's descendants oh this is god
so much begetting the oldest was nabeth followed by khadar abdil
mibsam mishma duma masa haddad timah
jator nafish and kadama these 12 sons of ishmael became the founders of 12 tribes
named after them listed according to the places they settled and camped ishmael lived for 137 years then he breathed his
last and joined his ancestors in death ishmael's descendants occupied the region from
which is east of egypt in the direction of ashore okay there they lived in open hostility
toward all their relatives like the end okay okay so next section
yeah next section the birth of esaun jacob okay this is the account of the
family of isaac the son of abraham you know through the beautiful sarah yeah wait wait no no through the beautiful
rebecca wait what this is the son of the family of isaac the son of abraham you know
yeah isaac isaac was born of sarah and then now he's going to hear some other children with rebels
yeah so okay so isaac and sarah did the boom boom when isaac was 40 years old
isaac and rebecca did the boom boom that's what i said you said sarah oh my gosh i'm so sorry you're so bad at that
you know why because i can't be bothered that's why isaac and one of the chicks that he
bought who cares maybe his mom maybe he did his mom sometimes girls do their dads that's true
[ __ ] we're all in on this all right isaac doing rebecca right when
isaac was 40 years old a mere babe right he married rebecca the daughter of bethel and aramaian from padan aram and
the sister of laban laban the era man isaac pleaded with the lord on behalf of
his wife because she was unable to have children why is that always the case because god likes people to [ __ ] around
and he likes to like give them their opportunity like he wants to bless them with a yeah yeah i'm going to give you a
child now it is my i mean i made her baron because i am god but
i'm going to give you all the children of the sea and the sands and the strings attached though
right you got to do some [ __ ] for me duh yeah like maybe kill your child maybe not right whatevs whatever i ask yeah
the lord answered isaac's prayer and rebecca became pregnant with twins but the two children struggled with each
other in her womb so she went to ask the lord about it why is this happening to me she asked and the lord told her the
sons in your room will become two nations from the very beginning the two nations will be rivals one nation will
be stronger than the other and your older son will serve your younger son oh i think i know this story
okay and when the time came to give birth rebecca discovered that she did indeed have twins the first one was very
red at birth and covered with thick hair like a fur coat so they named him esau then the other brother was born with his
hand grasping esau's heel so they named him jacob because that i always name my
twin person jacob when they come out right bearing the ankle of the one preceding yeah
whatever right isaac was 60 years old when the twins were born jesus okay
esau sells his birthright as the boys grew up esau became a skillful hunter he was an outdoorsman but jacob had a quiet
temperament preferring to stay at home i wonder if esau was a skilled hunter as
well as nimrod yes that's nimrod and we're gonna find out we are gonna find out
okay isaac loved esau because he enjoyed eating the wild game esau brought home
but rebecca loved jacob one day when jacob was cooking some stew
esau arrived home from the wilderness exhausted and hungry esau said nimrod
i bet he wouldn't yeah esau said to jacob i'm starved give me some of that red stew this is how esau got his other
name edom which means red okay okay all right jacob replied from stu he got
his name from stew it means red right reds too okay but i mean they gave him
another name because of the stew that he was hungry for no because he's red oh okay okay
green's red and he's red and he liked red and he said give me reds too got it got it god now who's not paying
attention i never pay attention all right jacob replied but trade me
your rights as the firstborn son what look i'm dying of starvation said esau
what good is my birthright to me now but jacob said first you must swear that your birthright is mine so esau swore an
oath thereby selling all his rights as the firstborn son to his brother james to get some damn stew yeah what a dick
what the hell jacob is an [ __ ] well but like wouldn't you just go out need some grass to tie you over to go like
he's a hunter why don't you just go kill a squirrel and like roast it right but i mean so he in his starvation made a stupid
choice but his brother regardless is a [ __ ] dick well yeah
then jacob gave esau some bread and lentil stew esau ate the meal then got up and left he showed contempt for his
rights as the firstborn the end that was that was it that was it okay
but i think we have more coming next time i'm sure that they're going to expand on that because that seems well
because jacob has like a billion babies and we get to learn about them and i think that's where like joseph and the multi-colored coat comes in gotcha like
i don't know i could be wrong it could be an entirely different jacob who [ __ ] knows who knows well i mean we'll obviously find out
and you know we apologize because we really don't know anything about the bible except for like you know hearsay
or like that one musical yeah yeah stuff like that so we're literally reading
this off the cuff yeah and you know some of it well that's why we named it sacrilegious
discourse because we're being very sacrilegious in our discourse yes indeed all right so
that's it for this week then yep all right we'll join us every tuesday and thursday and uh we'll see you guys next
husband yes wife um is there a way for people to contact
us well sure they can uh get on our twitter account we have a twitter account we do what is
it it is sacrilegious underscore d like d for discourse yeah they wouldn't
let me put the whole thing so i had to shorten it to underscore d i hate them
yeah that's disgusting how do you spell sacrilegious do you know i don't want to
just look it up in a dictionary or something i don't i don't want to do that right now you know why sacrilegious underscore
d okay cause you messed it up and i made you fix it that's why yeah yeah what about an email yeah we got that too
sacrilegious discourse at gmail.com oh well that's easy yeah as long as you
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