[Transcription is auto-generated and may not be perfect]
0:05
hey you welcome to sacrilegious discourse i'm husband i'm wife and together we're reading the bible
starting with genesis and eventually ending with revelations we're working through every book and offering our
atheist two cents four shekels yeah those we're asking questions and pointing out
all the nonsense we aren't academics or scholars nope in fact when it comes to religion we really don't know anything
at all what we've learned so far is that god's a dick oh he really is isn't he if
you're interested in how we reached this startling conclusion maybe start from episode one otherwise jump in anywhere
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hey husband hey wife do you remember what happened last time we took like the last week off before
recording this one so not even a little bit um do you remember
the name of the wife that was obtained for isaac uh was it rebecca it was good job oh
okay do you remember who isaac even is uh isaac is the son of the legitimate
son the legitimate son of abraham yeah and sarah and sarah that's right
and then um do you remember that abraham got remarried after sarah died
uh no but he did even though he was like a million years old or whatever right
right her name was katura okay okay but who cares right
and then um do you remember um what happened to ishmael
um seems like he got married to some cousins or something
to some chick some chick i don't know somewhere like it was it was the one that they mentioned a while back and they were like and they had eight kids
and that of that of that of that right and do you remember that two were twins
yeah only kinda and they were esau and jacob
and oh yeah and then the one was like soup and then he's like birthrights and yada
yada [Music] right yeah and jacob walked away with
everything yeah over soup over soup how stupid pretty much
do you think that um this next bit will be better why do you keep asking me that question
because i keep hoping i mean you know what they say about hoping you can hope in one hand
[ __ ] in the other let's see which one adds up faster yeah i'm glad you knew the end of that
i've been looking at your face and i was like he doesn't know where this is going
what does happen to that hope and [ __ ] glad you knew that all right let's go ahead with genesis
chapters 26 and 27. alrighty
hey wife yes husband did you know that we are now on patreon
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[Music] genesis chapter 26 a severe famine now
struck the land as had happened before in abraham's time hmm famine did you
know about it i didn't know did they talk about a famine before i don't think so i don't recall i don't recall that
either so isaac the legitimate son right not ishmael right
moved to gerar where abimelech king of the philistines lived i know him
he almost slept with abraham's wife sarah yeah but then he was like oh no when god got involved yeah
the lord appeared to isaac the legitimate son and said do not go down to egypt but do as i tell you live here
as a foreigner in this land and i will be with you and bless you i hereby confirm that i will give all these lands
to you and your descendants promises promises they like to say live here as a foreigner a lot i know you
used all the time just as i saw solemnly promised abraham your father i will cause your
descendants to become as numerous as the stars of the sky and i will give them all these lands
after 400 years well i mean they could still have you know lots of
you know descendants just they're going to be slaves right i will cause your descendants to become as
numerous as the stars in the sky and i will give them all these lands and through your descendants all the nations
of the earth will be blessed cousin [ __ ] i will do this because
abraham listened to me and obeyed all my requirements he almost chopped your wiener off
he almost chopped more than that off he did chop your wiener off he almost chopped you in half right that's what it
is okay you're right he didn't make of him a eunuch he just
oh i just can't still ugh i will do this because abraham listened to me and obeyed all my requirements
commands decrees and instructions okay um
so he's like don't go down to egypt but later on he's like go down to egypt to
people right and that's a whole thing and then he's like i'm gonna promise you all these things but i'm probably gonna
have to say this five other times and you're gonna have to do things in order to like still get these things because
apparently they're not promises they're like i promise i might give this to you yeah i promise i might
do this that's so funny because there's probably other stipulations i'm guessing right knowing him yeah that's what i think
knowing it sorry we don't know that god is him they yeah whatevs
so isaac stayed in gerrard when the men who lived there asked isaac about his wife rebecca he said she is my sister oh
i see where this is going haven't we already heard this story before she must be rapeable he was
afraid to say she is my wife he thought they will kill me to get her because she is so beautiful his dad taught him so
well oh [ __ ] this is bad but sometime later abimelech oh my gosh
wait is abimelech gonna like almost sleep with abraham's wife and then isaac's wife i guess that's amazing king
of the philistines looked out his window and saw isaac caressing rebecca immediately abimelech called for isaac
and exclaimed she is obviously your wife exclamation mark why did you say she is my sister
because i was afraid someone would kill me to get me her from me isaac replied
how could you do this to us abimelech exclaimed one of my people might easily have taken
your wife and slept with her and you would have made us guilty of great sin not the sin i'm [ __ ] raping her or
anything but raping somebody who's already married yeah yeah like it's not a big deal to
just take a woman that's that's fine yeah that's fine they don't i mean women don't count women are nothing right we
just have all the babies and the greater be damned if you take somebody else's wife that's my property
[ __ ] right yeah men suck except for that apparently that wasn't a big deal either because he was
all like wanting to make sure that they thought she was a sister because he was worried they were gonna kill him
over her right i mean i'm just saying like the whole thing is just like really rapey and
weird and it really is full of possession yeah i feel like we already did this story though i'm kind of like
worded out over it jeffrey he didn't catch him right away last time right right he really got close to raping her
right after a year or something something like that he just locked her away for a year and then was like i
might rape her soon and then god was like ah maybe not dude can you
not [Laughter] then abimelech issued a public proclamation anyone who touches this man
or his wife will be put to death wow that's some strong words i thought the
only reason to kill another human being was insulting if they killed a human being
right remember like yeah they're not supposed to kill people yeah so that's also a sin according to like you know
stuff we already read i don't i can't follow because it's so wishy-washy and
it turns back on itself yeah yeah and does it even matter i
no i'm sorry but rape and slaves does murder even
hit the scale i mean according to the bible if we're taking the bible at its word then yes it does
but i can't take it at its word as any kind of legitimate moral code because
rape and slaves right and you know they contradict themselves sometimes that as well and
also god's a dick well yeah let us never forget for sure when isaac planted his
crops that year he harvested a hundred times more grain than he planted for the lord blessed him he became a very rich
man and his wealth continued to grow he acquired so many flocks of sheep and
goats herds of cattle and servants slaves that the philistines became jealous of him apparently science didn't
matter back then 100 times what he planted how do you harvest a hundred times what
you plant you have slaves do it for you but you only planted
let's say you planted a hundred and then you harvested a thousand that's not science oh i'm wondering if this is
maybe like a wrong choice of words because like maybe it's not like just one season
you know what i mean like if you plant so many beans or whatever
and then they each one grows into like a bunch of sprouts like
you can plant next time more and so each season you harvest more
and more and more i think you're giving them too much credit but i got i got to do something this is all [ __ ]
just trying to make sense of it all right so the philistines filled up all of isaac's wells with dirt that's so petty
all right right these were the wells that had been dug by the servants slaves of his father
abraham wait and they formed that covenant remember yeah they were like so this is
against that i would assume that isaac would fall under that covenant maybe although it wasn't directly with him
who knows they made a covenant over those well they did it was one that should merely
have been uh you good i'm good yeah let's shake on it right but it was a covenant you're right
[ __ ] covenant hell yeah finally abimelech ordered isaac to leave
the country because he was becoming wealthy yeah you're too rich and good
and my people filled your wells with dirt so you need to get the [ __ ] out what the hell i
can't handle your richness gtfo i don't i don't get it i don't either
go somewhere else he said for you have become too powerful for us oh it wasn't just rich it was powerful
because with great riches comes great power power and with great power comes
absolutely zero responsibility right as we have seen yeah
so isaac moved away to the garage valley where he set up their tents and settled down he reopened the wells his father
had dug which the villain valentine's which the philistines had filled in after abraham's death so he
didn't move that far no apparently not isaac also restored the names abraham
had given them isaac's servants slaves also dug in the guerra valley and
discovered a well of fresh water so basically they what like move down the road sounds like it
this is our water they said and they argued over it with isaac's herdsmen so isaac named the well isek which means
argument if you had a well would you name it and if you did name it would you name it
like current situation occurring between me and friends or neighbors or family i mean there wasn't a lot of stuff
happening back then just like they didn't have like twitter and the instagram right it was just herds of
animals and crops and raping people so what would you name your well
uh the good water magic sparkle pony water
i mean unicorn valley yeah i don't i don't know care a lot i'd probably just number them
you know well number one yeah i would be like the one by the that one tree right
and these dumbasses move around so much what's what's even the point what's even the point
isaac's men then dug another well but again there was a dispute over it jesus christ
so isaac named it citna which means hostility anger mad isn't a good start isn't it
isaac's own servants that are are they are they fights right are they are they fighting amongst themselves i don't
think so i think that they're fighting the people that already live there okay and i don't think they moved far enough
away they didn't make that real clear but okay abandoning that one isaac moved on and
dug another well this time there was no dispute over it so isaac named the place
rehoboth rehoboth rehoboth whatever which means open space
for he said what open spaces is that what he said no okay but i mean it's
nice to throw a little bit of the chicks in for good measure right right
so he named it this weird word i can pronounce which means open space for he said at last the lord has created enough
space for us to prosper in this land there's a whole goddamn planet you're
marrying your cousins because there's not that many people not to mention spread the dad owns like half the planet
he is dead right which would mean that like he probably inherited a lot of that land as
the legitimate side right i think yeah well he just didn't want to i mean sarah even
said that she didn't want ishmael to inherit all of this right it was going to go to isaac
from there isaac moved to beersheba where the lord appeared to him on the night of his arrival i am the god of
your father abraham he said do not be afraid for i am with you and will bless you you know like i keep
telling you i'm gonna hey didn't he already tell him that i will multiply your descendants and they will become a
great nation snore i will do this because of my promise to abraham step ahead 30 seconds
[Laughter] i will do this because of my promise to abraham my servant slave
i mean wait you're calling abraham a slave now a slave to god oh yeah i mean i mean he was gonna kill he was gonna
kill isaac just on you know orders to do so for no reason right then isaac built
an altar there and worship the lord because there is nothing like worshiping a god and letting him know how awesome
they are just for letting you live on land right right and he probably killed something oh i'm sure he did he set up
his camp at that place and his servants slaves dug another well
one day king abimelech see he didn't go far enough because they're still he's still around right
came from gerrard with his adviser ahusaf and also fickle his army commander
abraham remember he's still around huh why have you come here isaac asked you obviously hate me since you kicked me
off your land they replied we can plainly see that the lord is with you so we want to enter
into a sworn treaty with you not a covenant let's make a covenant oh is that what it says that's literally the
next sentence swear that you will not harm us just as we have never troubled you except for
you know telling you to leave it sounds like the same deal they made with abraham i know we have always treated
you well and we sent you away from us in peace and now look how the lord has blessed
you okay okay this is like
we made you leave and then you found gold and since we made you leave to get the
gold we deserve a cut of that gold right right right like i'm sensing greed not
friendship yeah and fear and fear but mostly greed
greed with a little fear so isaac prepared a covenant feast do you think he prepared it i don't know
what what exactly is a covenant feast i wonder food do you think he cooked that stuff no no rebecca did that's what i
mean or the servants did yes yeah slaves so isaac prepared a covenant feast to celebrate the treaty and they ate and
drank together early the next morning they each took a solemn oath not to interfere with each other do you think
they put their hands underneath each other's thighs then isaac sent them home again and they
left in peace they left him in peace that very day isaac's servants slaves
came and told him about a new well they had dug we found water they exclaimed there's digging holes all over the damn
place oh so isaac named the well sheba which means oath and to this day the
town that grew up there is called beersheba which means well of the oath that was already called beersheba yeah
it was beersheba back when abraham was around i don't know and that's actually where beersheba was uh where
um uh hagar and ishmael were at when they were
sent off they went to beersheba i just spaced out because i was too bored yeah okay next
okay there's like two sentences left and they're like p.s got it at the age of 40 esau married two hittite wives judith
the daughter of berry and besamath the daughter of elon but esau's wives made
life miserable for isaac and rebecca hmm okay the end all right so we're gonna
move on to the next chapter then i mean yeah it's all dumb yeah we'll see you guys in a second
genesis chapter 27 jacob obtains isaac's blessing one day when isaac was old and turning
blind he called for esau his older son and said my son yes father esau replied
i am an old man now isaac said and i don't know when i may die take your bow and a quiver full of arrows
and go out into the open country to hunt some wild game for me the reason why i said quiver full of arrows is because
that's the name of a church and they believe that you have to have like a billion babies like as many as possible
and it's called quiver full to keep your quiver full i see
sorry i just i read that line and it made me think of that never heard of it really
really you should look into it it's the opposite of awesome i can imagine
take your bow and a quiver full of arrows and go out into the open country to hunt some wild game for me prepare my favorite dish and bring it here for me
to eat then i will pronounce you i'm sorry then i will pronounce the blessing that belongs to you my
firstborn son before i die actually dad dot dot dot i needed some soup real bad
but rebecca overheard what isaac had said to his son esau so when esau left a hunt
for the wild game she said to her son jacob listen
i overheard your father say to esau bring me some wild game and prepare me a delicious meal then i will bless you in
the lord's presence before i die now my son listen to me do exactly as i tell
you so rebecca like apparently her favorite son is jacob huh you could sounds that way yeah that's what it
looks like do exactly as i tell you go out to the flocks and bring me two fine young goats
i'll use them to prepare your father's favorite dish then take the food to your father so he can eat it and bless you
before he dies but look jacob replied to rebecca my brother esau is a hairy man and my skin
is smooth what if my father touches me he'll see
that i'm trying to trick him and then he'll curse me instead of blessing me he is why does he have to trick him he
already he is literally having an argument with his mom over how to best
trick his blind old dad right so that he can get the blessing yeah but why does
he even have to trick him though he already secured the um rights to firstborn from he secured them but maybe
he only has the um the right to enforce that
if the father actually grants it in front of him so then what was the point
i don't know maybe he's like just trying to like dot all his eyes and cross all his t's okay and make it as legit as
possible i guess in his [ __ ] thievery but it still seems like a pointless endeavor well that whole thing sounded
it just seemed pointless right but okay all right but his mother replied then let the curse fall on me my son just do
what i tell you go out and get the goats for me so jacob went out and got the young
goats for his mother rebecca took them and prepared a delicious meal just the way isaac liked it then she took esau's
favorite clothes which were there in the house and gave them to her younger son jacob i want to know why she doesn't
like her older son more like like he's what's up with this favoritism here i don't know and they're
twins right yeah i don't get it like they don't either i don't know it just seems like
i i just i don't understand it she covered his arms and the smooth part of his neck with the skin of the young
goats then she gave jacob the delicious meal including freshly baked bread
so jacob took the food to his father my father he said yes my son isaac answered
who are you esau or jacob jacob replied is esau your firstborn son because lying
is awesome right i've done as you told me here is the wild game now sit up and eat it so you
can give me your blessing isaac asked how did you find it so quickly my son
the lord your god put it in my path jacob replied then isaac said to jacob come closer so
i could touch you and make sure that you really are esau you know because my sons are such
[ __ ] liars that and you're okay we're prone to trickery if you're blind don't you notice like
an intricacy between voices too i would think you would i would think if you're bored you would because you don't
have the interwebs to entertain you i don't there is no netflix and chill
maybe he's half deaf too who knows maybe he's old and stupid i know a lot of old and stupid people right right i mean
there's a lot of old and stupid people that just believe everything that they read on facebook so why would they not i
have to ask if he's still he's pretending to be his other brother his brother and his father gives his brother the
blessing even though it's jacob pretending to be his brother doesn't his brother still get it because he actually
gave it to his brother i would think so but i'm just saying that's just weird i don't know this whole lying and stealing
and sacrificing and right murdering it just all seems very simple and bad yeah
so jacob went closer to his father and isaac touched him the voice is jacobs
but the hands are esau's isaac said but he did not recognize jacob because
jacob's hands felt hairy just like esau's so isaac prepared to bless jacob
but are you really my son esau he asked yes i am jacob replied what a liar i
know then isaac said now my son bring me the wild game let me eat it and then i will
give you my blessing so jacob took the food to his father and isaac ate it he also drank the wine that
jacob served him then isaac said to jacob please come a little closer and kiss me my son
so jacob went over and kissed him and when isaac caught the smell of his clothes he was finally convinced and he
blessed his son he said ah the smell of my son is like the smell of
the outdoors which the lord has blessed from the dew of heaven and the richness
of the earth may god always give you abundant harvests of grain and bountiful new wine may many nations become your
servants slaves and may they bow down to you may you be the master over your
brothers and may the may your mother's sons bow down to you your mother's sons are your brothers
this is all based on a lie though okay god can't be okay with this right i think he is seriously i think he gets
okay from what i remember okay all who curse you will be cursed
and all who bless you will be blessed as soon as isaac had finished blessing
jacob and almost before jacob had left his father esau returned from his hunt
esau prepared a delicious meal and brought it to his father then he said sit up my father and eat my wild game so
you can give me your blessing but isaac asked him who are you esau replied it's your son your
firstborn son esau isaac began to tremble uncontrollably and said then who just served me wild
game i have already eaten it and i blessed him just before you came and yes that blessing must stand what
that's arbitrary and stupid right that doesn't make any like magic again
i don't this stuff seems like they're he could say oh that jacob he's so naughty of
course that blessing doesn't [ __ ] stand right also curses on him for being such a tricky liar i feel like he should
be cursed now instead of whatever sorry i already promised him and i can't do
any take backs when esau heard his father's words he let out a cry he let out a loud and
bitter cry oh my father what about me bless me too he begged but isaac said your brother
was here and he tricked me he has taken away your blessing it's a thing it's a one-shot deal
physical magical thing right and apparently you only have one of them he only had one i'm only blessed one time
then that's it no more blessings sorry buddy out of blessings
esau exclaimed no wonder his name is jacob for now he has cheated me twice first he took my rights as the firstborn
and now he has stolen my blessing oh haven't you saved even one blessing for
me isaac said to esau i have made jacob your master and have declared that all
his brothers will be as his servants slaves wow i have guaranteed him an
abundance of grain and wine what is left for me to give you my son jesus christ this is terrible it really
is like these are just you're not god but think about this too what he is saying is that
i was going to leave everything to you esau and give nothing to jacob what the
[ __ ] right and now because of that yeah like i i don't understand i mean i almost
don't blame jacob for tricking him because like it's always going to happen to him is pretty shitty yeah all or
nothing so i guess i'm gonna take all but at the same time we have to believe that these people back
in these times had magic powers to to do crazy [ __ ] like promise things
that would happen in the future because they said so right and that just doesn't make any [ __ ] sense can't you take it
back i don't understand it's just words yeah why can't you it's not like you were like
god wasn't part of this conversation and and [Music] it goes all the way back because there
was that guy that was going to curse people 77 times yeah um for whatever yeah and everybody
who touches blah blah descendants i don't understand this just random
cursy blussy magic [ __ ] that is man like right god you expect that yeah god
has magic whatever yeah like i it's just coming out of the story that you expect it comes out of nowhere but with
random people with the men all of a sudden it's like i have magic right i mean i know isaac isn't random
random but i mean like there have been some random people that are just like i'm going to bless or curse you blah blah blah because i said
right it's kind of [ __ ] esau pleaded but do you have only one blessing oh my
father bless me too then esau broke down and wept finally his father isaac said to him you will
live away from the richness of the earth and away from the dew of the heaven above you will live by your sword and
you will serve your brother but when you decide to break free you will shake his yoke from your neck
okay um so you'll be his servant until one day
i decide now right yeah i'm like uh i choose now yeah now
what kind of time frame do you put on that buddy because i mean i i really like to get this done i studied it and i decided no
yeah this seems like really bad planning but
uh how can you promise one thing to one brother and then something else is
contradictory to another brother but say you can't change things except for sometimes except for sometimes when you can yeah
like that doesn't like that there's so much it's almost like contradictory information signal you'll know the
signal when you hear it i guess whatever okay next section jacob flees for me saw
yeah he better because if i was esau i would come after that ass
from that time on esau hated jacob because their father had given jacob the blessing no he hated jacob because jacob
was a lying [ __ ] burger right that's why yeah i will soon be mourning my father's
death then i will kill my brother jacob i don't even blame him i mean murder's
bad right but in within the confines of this story sure but rebecca heard about esau's plans
because she is a snitch and a spy and she's kind of a [ __ ] mom i don't like
her either so she sent for jacob and told him listen
listen esau is consoling himself by plotting to kill you so listen carefully my son get
ready and flee to my brother lay ban in her on stay there with him until your brother
cools off so apparently these blessings don't really mean [ __ ] because he's running away instead of being
blessed i'm just saying i guess he hasn't died yet so yeah maybe
it doesn't take effect until after that well i i don't understand how it all works
it's like you're gonna be blessed but only if your brother does not kill you i'd really like like a um user manual on
blessings and curses and curses there's a few people on my cursed list we should
definitely look up bible user manual for like curses and blessings that'd be badass there's got to be one out there
right there there's something for everything all right that'll be part of our bonus if we can find it i mean i'll look into
it i really want to know more about blessings and cursings in the bible yeah and like you know how you do it yeah
because it sounds like so are we going to try to bless somebody are we going to try to curse somebody let's just go with bless you know
no we're positive you know positive god damn it when he calms down and forgets what you
have done to him i will send for you to come back when he calms down and forgets
why should i lose not likely why should i lose both of you in one day whatever you're the one who set this [ __ ] up i
know she's a [ __ ] [ __ ] you yeah then rebecca said to isaac i'm sick and
tired of these local hittite women i would rather die than see jacob marry one of them
oh god oh what's happening you're covering your eyes why are you covering your eyes
cause this is so bad like what mom does this [ __ ] i don't know what dad what
does any of it even freaking mean i don't i don't understand what this [ __ ] is what lesson are we to gain from
all of us magic there's [ __ ] magic and blessings and curses are willy-nilly
and arbitrary definitely and also um if god tells you to kill your kid go
ahead because maybe he'll stop it but you know it just seems like the [ __ ] keeps asking for
more and more [ __ ] and you got to keep doing more and more [ __ ] and then he keeps promising the same damn thing he
offered before and it's like dude how many times are you gonna promise me the same [ __ ] thing and then hold me to
something that's really stupid in order to continue getting the thing that you already promised me how must it
feel to know from birth sorry even though um your brother is your twin so
like you were literally born minutes apart from each other um he's awesome and you're a piece of [ __ ] yeah
and you're gonna be his slave for life like how must it feel to have been born with that understanding
it sounds like a crappy life yeah yeah yeah so i mean i i get points of view
from both sides like i wouldn't want to be jacob either forced to know that that was going to be your life
oh yeah that's what i meant poor jacob i mean but he's also well he took advantage of it like how about they just
work out a deal between themselves and be like dude let's just split some [ __ ] up and like you know dad made some very nice deals with god
he got some great stuff we have all these wells lots of land plenty of [ __ ] to go around plenty of covenants with
our neighbor what's his butt we can form an alliance and make like a super team here right like let's be awesome instead
of shitty that would have been the smart way but i mean it involves humans and we see today
that humans cannot come to common sense agreements i really haven't seen any smart ways so far
throughout this thing i haven't seen any benevolent godliness either though yeah like there's no nice people ever there's
no nice people there's no nice god everybody in this book like they all are pieces of [ __ ] they're all rapey even
the moms the moms are [ __ ] pieces of [ __ ] they're all rapey lying thieves all of them oh i mean even the daughters
raped their dad next week we might have more rapey thieving lying pieces of [ __ ]
you should join us and that would be um genesis chapters 28
and 29. awesome can't wait for more rapey lying pieces of [ __ ] yeah
see you guys next time [Music]
husband yes wife um is there a way for people to contact
us well sure they can get on our twitter account we have a twitter account we do what is it
it is sacrilegious underscore d like d for discourse yeah they wouldn't
let me put the whole thing so i had to shorten it to underscore d i hate them yeah that's disgusting how do
you spell sacrilegious do you know i don't want to just look it up in a dictionary or something
i don't i don't want to do that right now you know why sacrilegious underscore d okay cause you messed it up and i made
you fix it that's why yeah yeah what about an email yeah we got that too
sacrilegious discourse at gmail.com oh well that's easy yeah as long as you
know how to spell sacrilegious right well definitely get a hold of us let us know what you thought thought of the
episode and you know any comments hate mail we love that kind of stuff also you could answer some questions
that we leave throughout or like correct my pronunciation yeah please sad wrong and horrible because we suck sometimes
absolutely oh also you know if you like this [ __ ] or whatnot um like give us a
like on your podcasting app and stuff or even leave a comment or something that would be awesome that would be awesome
