[Transcription is auto-generated and may not be perfect]
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hey you welcome to sacrilegious discourse i'm husband i'm wife and together we're reading the bible
starting with genesis and eventually ending with revelations we're working through every book and offering our
atheist two cents four shekels yeah those we're asking questions and pointing out
all the nonsense we aren't academics or scholars nope in fact when it comes to religion we really don't know anything
at all what we've learned so far is that god's a dick oh he really is isn't he if
you're interested in how we reached this startling conclusion maybe start from episode one otherwise jump in anywhere
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hey husband yes wife um before i ask you if you remember
what happened last time which i know you don't uh-huh yeah you had something you wanted to say i was just gonna say that
it seems like we have some followers out there now we do i mean it looks that way from the stats that we're seeing oh my god that's
so cool hi hi um but we really could use their help oh
my god what can they do well you could tell a friend i did tell a friend so did
i oh you mean them them yes you guys out there in podcasting land
the people that are lis people are listening i i mean it looks that way oh i could be wrong okay but we could
really use your help in like spreading the word because we're still a new podcast yeah we knew you know like
not many people know about us so and we're just kind of like husband and wife sitting here in our
living room recording this [ __ ] for you to listen to because how dare
and we're just having fun so like we don't know all the ins and outs of like how to make ourselves popular popular
popular popular i mean you know but it'd be cool i'm okay yeah that'd be great do that
like spread the word for us that'd be awesome i feel like you're procrastinating and trying to put off telling me what you don't remember
i can't we just tell them what we're going to tell say this week and skip that part because they already know i don't know anything
hey babe and what do you remember what happened um [Music]
no um jacob was a lion underhanded thief
that's right what did he steal he stole the blessing from um his dad who is
isaac no that's oh yeah no you're right you're right yes yes yes
the one blessing he's told the one and only right yeah because well but then then he also gave up some sort
of a blessing to um his other son esau he saw um and said that like he'd break free of his yoke
from his brother you're gonna be a servant but you know not always yeah you can quit anytime right but not right now
though i mean but it didn't specify that i know i didn't really understand that but what are the stipulations there
maybe a better um interpretation like maybe if we got a different translation that would
spell that out better do you think we'll find that out today probably not i mean because sometimes they just jump around at different
stories and they're like we'll get back to that one eventually but it'll be really weird and just like pointless to
explain something just in a brief like sentence at the end of a section i don't know i i have a feeling because
remember there was like that two-second blurb like right at the end that was like um jacob and esau's mom was like and
don't you be marrying no canaanites right right the end remember kinda i bet it's about that
this is turning into a really long intro it is sorry my bad i'm sorry we should probably get on with the show all right
what are we going over today we are doing genesis chapters 28 and 29. alrighty let's do that okay
hey wife yes husband did you know that we are now on patreon
um yes because you told me but also no tell me more [Laughter]
so we're on patreon now are we we are and our supporters can go there and support us and we have multiple levels
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send us some love yeah [Music]
okay so genesis chapter 28 which still this bit still falls under the last
section from the last chapter jacob please from esau oh okay and we stopped like right in the middle of a section
even though it was the end of a chapter well that's all right i'm just letting you know it left them on a cliffhanger
yeah that's what happened yeah they were all biting everybody was biting their nails over this one so isaac called for jacob blessed him
and said you must not marry any of these canaanite women instead go up once to
pada naram to the house of your grandfather bethul and marry one of your uncle leibn's daughters
that's so gross right they're still being cousin [ __ ] yeah ancestral [ __ ] not ancestral i said
didn't i say ancestral i thought you said ancestral but before that you said ancestral oh well i screwed up then
incest whatever nasty dumb [ __ ] may god almighty bless you and
give you many children and may your descendants multiply and become many nations how many many nations do we need
i'm not done okay may god pass on to you and your descendants the blessings he
promised to abraham may you own this land where you are now living as a foreigner
the question is though is are these prophecies and and promises because they are who they are or are
they because he already promised it to abraham for god gave this land to abraham end of sentence okay sorry
right but i mean like it's a legitimate question right i mean it sounds like he almost has to promise it to them
because he already promised it to them before them i feel like at this point it's less god telling them and more just
passing on the words that they heard from their fathers maybe i don't know it's all a bit
questionable there's less talk about him walking the earth and talking to people right and like none of those like zoom
call dream things the angel of the lord and the gosh no no there was a there was a the lord came to
i think it was abram at the time but came to him in a dream oh you're right and i joked that it was a zoom call
you're right it was like okay so guys so when god comes down and talks to them in their dreams that's a zoom call and
when he sends an angel of the lord that's more like what um uber candy gram
candy crap so isaac sent jacob away and he went to
patan aram to stay with his uncle laban his mother's brother the son of bethel
the aramian esau knew that his father isaac had blessed jacob and sent him to patanaram
to find a wife and that he had warned jacob you must not marry a canaanite woman he also knew
that jacob had obeyed his parents and gone to padanaram it was now very clear to esau that his
father did not like the local canaanite women so esau visited his uncle ishmael's family and married one of
ishmael's daughters in addition to the wives he already had
nice just collecting wives chicken bears some more wives his new wife's name was mahaloth she was
the sister of nabeth and the daughter of ishmael abraham's son okay that's gross yeah wait abra
okay yeah okay yeah all right gross yeah they're all cousin [ __ ] yeah
basically nasty okay god appears to jacob at bethel
means god appeared god appears so this will be a candy gram no no this
is god up here this is god apparently god coming in person i mean that's what it says right i don't know let's see
what happens meanwhile jacob left beersheba and traveled toward haran
at sundown he arrived at a good place to set up camp and stopped there for the night jacob found a stone to rest his
head against and lay down to sleep how comfortable could a stone be it doesn't sound very comfortable to me
me neither um do you think it was like one of those um stone slabs that could be like maybe he
likes a really hard bed yeah i mean it could be or like maybe the rock was
just curved just right to where you can like lean your neck back over it and it felt really good i don't know because i could see that i sleep on my side
well but everybody sleeps differently maybe there's maybe he likes you know it's better for your health there wasn't a mr pillow back then
either so i mean you know like i don't know they had less options that is true yeah as he slept he dreamed of a stairway
that reached from the stairway to heaven yes that reached from the earth up to heaven
yes there it is there it is and he saw the angels of god going up and down the
stairway at the top of the stairway stood the lord and he said so wait this
is a dream yeah so this is a zoom call oh okay okay all right okay i just want
to make sure i understood okay okay at the top of the stairway said the lord and he said i am the lord the god of
your grandfather abraham and the god of your father isaac the ground you are lying on belongs to you
i am giving it to you and your descendants your descendants will be as numerous as the dust of the earth they
will spread out in all directions to the west and the east to the north and the south and all the families of the earth
will be blessed through you and your descendants what's more i am with you and i will protect you wherever you go
one day i will bring you back to this land i will not leave you until i have finished giving you everything i have
promised you so what i get out of this is that god's a capitalist because he likes to give people ownership of things
right i hadn't thought of it in those terms but yes yes that is correct so and
not only that but he says i'll be with you till a certain date and then i'm out ease right
yeah uh i don't know he's like that rock that rock is yours that cactus right cactus
is yours you're just like passing off like ownership of things but i'm like but did you tell the other guys i know
because that all never works out well i know never ever oh yeah then jacob awoke from asleep and
said surely the lord is in this place and i wasn't even aware of it wouldn't
wouldn't i mean i had to say it like that because that's the way it sounds okay i wasn't
even aware of it but he was also afraid and said what an awesome place this is he probably said
awesome differently from how i said it because i'm like awesome and he's probably like what an awesome
yeah i can't do it yeah i can't either i can't use awesome correctly anymore because bill and ted ruined it for me
right right excellent it is none other than the house of god
the very gateway to heaven sweet the next morning jacob got up very early
he took the stone he had rested his head against and he set it upright as a memorial pillar then he poured olive oil
over it he named that place bethel which means house of god although it was previously called luz what do you think
the olive oil had to do with anything what's up with that um it anointed it like olive oil was
kind of like old school aromatherapy kind of thing like they used olive oil to anoint things it's just the first
time i recall them like you know putting olive oil on something for god um they wash their feet with olive oil
too like it's just a way of anointing things okay it's old school holy water
got it before holy water was a thing got it i think jesus made it holy so that must mean that like the united states is
not holy at all because there's like no olives here unless we import them but we import olive oil yeah but i mean you know we
had to invent things to get all i was over here so back then so let me ask you this this was like a godless country like we just started
getting those um because no olives those olives in the little cups like olives to
go in the little like fruit cup containers yeah those are awesome right so do you think if i squash that up that
would be olive oil and then if i poured it on a rock do you think that that means that i anointed a rock with olive
oil and it's holy now i don't know maybe either but it's an interesting thing i think we should pour
it on our cat i don't think she would like that make her cat holy what is wrong with you you cannot put oil on a
cat jesus christ what is wrong with you i'm just saying no be a holy cat i don't
think that's okay okay then jacob made this vow if god will indeed be with me and
protect me on this journey and if he will provide me with food and clothing and if i return safely to my father's
home then the lord will certainly be my god there's a lot of ifs there if i don't
die and if a bear doesn't eat me and if no car crashes happen and if i don't get
cancer and if this pencil doesn't run out of lead since when are humans allowed to put stipulations on what
makes you allowed to believe in god or not or like make him your god you know like as long as you're going to need to
do these things for me and then and then i'll take you as my god okay then you're the lord yeah i mean you got to do these
things though because otherwise [ __ ] you my pen ran out of ink today yeah
not the lord my god i'm gonna go check out buddha oh my gosh
that escalated quickly and this memorial pillar i have set up
will become a place for worshiping god and i will present to god a tenth of everything he gives me
tithing comes yeah tenth of your earnings and all that kind of yeah yeah which i mean you should put a tenth away
into the bank for a rainy day and then you should also be putting a tenth away sure um to help others yeah but if you
have the money to do that but like that's like one sentence in the bible and that's where we get that we give a tenth of everything we don't know there
might be other sentences in the bible we're only in genesis that's true that's true and i mean there's 66 books in the
bible but like like they're reading along people that believe in god and all this stuff they're like rape rape rape
rape rape rape give 10 of our earnings they're like yeah that
maybe there's other places that are less rapey and more givey i mean yeah maybe
maybe i don't know i don't know i feel like they pick and choose things that they want to make you feel like that huh i do is that
how you feel i do well that's the end of that chapter all right how do you feel about that i i feel like it's another
end to another chapter in another reading of another day with the bible
all right okay let's go on to the next chapter huh woohoo [Music]
genesis chapter 29 jacob serves laban for rachel and leia
leah leah sure leah then jacob hurried on finally arriving
in the land of the east he saw a well in the distance because wells wells were everywhere they were everywhere and then
they got filled in all the time by people fighting over the damn things petty [ __ ] [ __ ] wells
three flocks of sheep and goats lay in an open field beside it waiting to be watered but a heavy stone covered the
mouth of the well see it was the custom there to wait for all the flocks to arrive before removing the
stone and watering the animals afterward the stone will be placed back over the mouth of the well is that so
that like bugs and junk doesn't feel really dirty the waters excuse keeps mosquitoes out a little bit maybe
who knows okay jacob went over to the shepherds and asked where are you from my friends we
are from haran they answered do you know a man there named layman the grandson of
nehor he asked yes we do they replied is he doing well jacob asked yes he's well
they answered look here comes his daughter rachel with the flock right now
jacob said look it's still broad daylight too early to round up the animals why don't you water the sheep
and goats so they can get back out to pasture we can't water the animals until all the
flocks have arrived they replied then the shepherds move the stone from the mouth of the well and we water all
the sheeps and goats so first we explain and then we do and then we explain it's an interesting voice you chose for them
very sing-songy because i think they're chicks you do yeah that's not what i got out of that
but i think they're chicks i thought you were just being like you know snarky about your voice choice um
i might have been a little snarky because i knew that as soon as they explained what was happening that
then we'd have to read them say explain what was happening gotcha so yeah i'm
probably a little snarky like it's so repetitive right jacob was still talking with them when
rachel arrived with her father's flock for she was a shepherd and because rachel was his cousin the
cousin of laban his mother's brother and because the sheep and goats belonged to his uncle lay-ban jacob went over to the
well and moved the stone from its mouth and watered his uncle's flock then jacob kissed rachel and he wept
aloud what what even that escalated quickly yeah
he explained to rachel that he was her cousin on her father's side the son of her aunt rebecca so rachel quickly ran
and told her father laban as soon as laban heard that his nephew jacob had arrived he ran out to meet him he
embraced and kissed him and brought him home i guess kissing was just kind of a thing they did let's everybody kiss
maybe it wasn't like a big like you know it wasn't like a loving kiss maybe just like a kiss greeting okay and he cried
though he wept well it's just long lost family that he's never met before i guess wouldn't
i don't know yeah i think you tried people were weird back then you're trying too hard yeah
when jacob had told him his story laban exclaimed you really are my own flesh
and blood jacob marries leah and rachel after jacob had stayed with laban for
about a month wait he married both of them no you know what hang on they
this um thing that i'm reading did not put in bold print this part and they included
it as all one sentence wow so that was the end of that section not the end of the chapter and i think the end of the
beginning of the next section is called jacob marries leah and rachel because then there's a capital a after
jacob had stayed with laban for about a month lee ben said see what i'm saying okay so i'm sorry
this is badly that was confusing badly done but not my fault right it's the fault of this thing that i'm nothing's
ever our fault no okay so we're under the section jacob marries leah and rachel after jacob had
stayed with laban for about a month laban said to him you shouldn't work for me without pay just because we are
relatives tell me how much your wages should be now lebanon had two daughters the older daughter was named leah and
the younger one was rachel the one that he met at the well yeah yeah there was no sparkle in leah's eye
but rachel had a beautiful figure and a lovely face that's a very polite way of saying leah
was probably the dog and rachel was so beautiful that whoever she
marries will have to call her his sister right right yeah yeah since jacob was in love with rachel oh
okay he told her father which is his [ __ ] uncle right i'll work for you
for seven years if you'll give me rachel your younger daughter as my wife oh
give me your daughter i mean that's how it worked back then just saying i know it's so gross at
least he's not taking he's asking he's making a deal right he's basically
negotiating the price i will buy this girl off of you well i mean women were just like one
step above slaves i know back then it's so gross agreed layman said i'd rather give her
to you than to anyone else stay and work with me so jacob worked seven years to pay for
rachel but his love for her was so strong that it seemed to him but a few days oh that's almost sweet that's
almost sweet finally the time came for him to marry her i have fulfilled my agreement jacob said to lay ban now give
me my wife so i can sleep with her so it says it literally says oh my god
give me my wife so i can sleep with her wow do you think they really didn't sleep together
if they were in love i don't know seven years yeah who knows people weird this whole thing is weird so so laban invited
everyone in the neighborhood and prepared a wedding feast but that night when it was dark laban took leah to jacob and he slept
with her oh what an [ __ ] hey man why'd you do that
lay banned him he loved if he loved rachel did they not talk or anything did he not
know i mean like he obviously he obviously lusted for her not loved her right because if he loved
her they would have talked a lot and they would have known each other already and he would have known so this was pure lust and that's it right right
this isn't love no whatever go ahead laban had given leah a servant zilpah to
be her maid i don't know what that has anything to do with it maybe he'll screw her later too
but when jacob woke up in the morning it was leah what have you done to me jacob
raged at laban i worked seven years for rachel why have you tricked me it's not our custom here to marry off a
younger daughter ahead of the firstborn laban replied and i waited seven years to [ __ ] tell you that what a dick
but wait until the bridal week is over then we'll give you rachel too provided you promised to work another seven years
for me what that's a bunch of [ __ ] so jacob agreed to work seven more years
a week after jacob had married leah lay band gave him rachel too laban gave
rachel a servant billa to be her maid so jacob slept with rachel too and he
loved her much more than leah he then stayed and worked for laban the additional seven years would you stay
i i mean i would be like i'm out come on rachel let's go i'd be like you you made
an agreement yeah and you're you're backtracking on your agreement here yeah and that's a bunch of [ __ ] so like you
need to honor your agreement yeah yeah besides god's on my side right yeah
and then labor would be like no he's on my side too though whatever and god's like figure it out amongst
yourselves that's that the whole this whole thing
stinks yeah the children born to jacob but i know jacob takes many wives and has many
children yeah when the lord saw that leah wasn't unloved he enabled her to have children
but rachel could not conceive oh man that's so mean god he's just a dick god this is a chick
that's what we always come to at the end of everything why does god gotta get involved in like
this thing if you were gonna get involved in the first [ __ ] place why didn't you um
make sure that he only married rachel not leah right whatever
so leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son she named him reuben for she said the lord has noticed my misery and
now my husband will love me she soon became pregnant again and gave birth to another son she named him simon
for she said the lord heard that i was unloved and has given me another son wow he sure did like put a lot of babies in
her for not loving her i mean we all know that sex doesn't equate to love
he could [ __ ] a thing without no i know but like if he i don't know
like if he was really not in love with her it's it's his wife he could tell her i
don't want to touch you go away plus babies you know men no male babies were very important to
people back then so so i guess he had to like i need to so i can have some offspring that can do things and [ __ ]
because i have to leave my i gotta populate the [ __ ] world jesus
the trials and tribulations of [ __ ] a lot of women wow such a hassle then she became pregnant a
third time and gave birth to another son he was named levi for she said surely
this time my husband will feel affection for me since i have given him three sons
once again leah became pregnant and gave birth to another son she named him judah for she said now i will praise the lord
and then she stopped having children the end hmm that was the end yep of that chapter
sorry i was allergic to that ending apparently i was allergic too but i didn't sneeze yeah
all right well that was it for this week i guess um any comments that and
yeah you know whatever um men are gross and um and god's a dick and god's a dick and
women have it rough and i'm sorry for them yeah that pretty much sums it up yeah i mean it's gotten
a little less rapey lately a little less has it though a little less racist has it though like
we don't really know well they haven't been telling us there's rapey stuff going on okay i'll
go with that yeah i mean i'm sure it's just as rapey as it was before we're just not hearing those portions at
the moment okay all right all right and less murdery too right but i'm sure we'll get some more of that at
some point all right well we'll find out when we do genesis chapters 30 and 31.
what day is that gonna fall on oh you are asking because i made this beautiful chocolate yeah my wife is
great and she makes charts and things and uh-huh yeah thank you husband that will be on a tuesday i'll be on a
tuesday yeah all right awesome well stay tuned until tuesday and come back see us for 30 and 31
husband yes wife um is there a way for people to contact
us well sure they can uh get on our twitter account we have a twitter account we do what is
it it is sacrilegious underscore d like d for discourse yeah they wouldn't
let me put the whole thing so i had to shorten it to underscore d i hate them yeah that's disgusting how do
you spell sacrilegious do you know i don't want to just look it up in a dictionary or something
i don't want to do that right now you know why sacrilegious underscore d okay cause you messed it up and i made you
fix it that's why yeah yeah what about an email yeah we got that too so
sacrilegious discourse at gmail.com oh well that's easy yeah as long as you
know how to spell sacrilegious right well definitely get a hold of us let us know what you thought thought of the
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