[Transcription is auto-generated and may not be perfect]
0:05
hey you welcome to sacrilegious
discourse i'm husband i'm wife and
together we're reading the bible
starting with genesis and eventually
ending with revelations we're working
through every book and offering our
atheist two cents four shekels yeah
we're asking questions and pointing out
all the nonsense we aren't academics or
scholars nope in fact when it comes to
religion we really don't know anything
what we've learned so far is that god's
a dick oh he really is isn't he if
you're interested in how we reached this
startling conclusion maybe start from
episode one otherwise jump in anywhere
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hey husband hey wife do you remember
what happened last time i think vaguely
i remember we were talking about jacob
and i think isaac died maybe and also
jacob got renamed again to israel yeah
but prior to that yeah no got nothing um
she didn't blow a horn she didn't blow
her horn she got raped oh yeah you don't
remember that it'd probably be better if
she had a horn i mean probably
yeah she died or she she didn't die no
she got raped and then do you remember
what happened from there oh
they murdered a bunch of people yeah the
brother her brothers were like
well first her dad was like hey if you
totally get circumcised we will all just
marry intermarry right so they made them
get their dicks chopped and then they
murdered them then the brothers were
like cold out [ __ ] that and murdered
them all and then jacob was like
and then the brothers were like what
they raped her right right and so then
they went and they moved and then um
rachel did die rachel um died giving
birth to benjamin right and she was
buried beside the road to ephrath right
he was like 180 right yeah 180 yeah and
and then the end yeah so what uh
what are we doing today today we are
doing genesis chapters 36 and 37 and i
hope that it is as interesting as the
i find interesting well i mean at first
the bible was like so boring and even
though there's lots of rape and incest
at least there's like stuff happening
like storylines you mean as opposed to
light happening yeah and floods yeah
okay yeah all right well let's see what
hey wife yes husband did you know that
um yes because you told me but also no
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okay so genesis chapter 36 the
esau ah so we're back we're jacob's
brother okay the twin right yeah
yeah he had he got screwed and yeah all
this is the account of the descendants
for no reason whatsoever all of a sudden
out of the blue as edom huh
because you know everybody has two names
right yeah right and we're just talking
esau married two young women from kanan
ada the daughter of elon the hittite and
the daughter of ana and granddaughter of
zebian the hivite he also married his
the samus there's some more that cousin
marian [ __ ] who was the daughter of
ishmael and the sister of nebo
nabeth whatever can you imagine a family
i'm trying to skip right over it right
aydah gave birth to a son named eliphaz
basemath gave birth to a son named rule
gave i don't know how to say it so
all these sons were born to esau in the
esau took his wives his children and his
entire household along with his
livestock and cattle all the wealth he
had acquired in the land of canaan and
moved away from his brother jacob
like they just kind of moved in together
like i don't even recall them like
living together at all but didn't they
like shake on it and like decide not to
be mad anymore and yeah well i mean they
don't they didn't say moving away he was
mad so maybe that's not it but i just
like they just kind of like we're like
we're moving together here no
jacob was like you go ahead i'll be
there eventually and then rebuild the
and so but then i never recall him
making it there yeah so like
apparently he did and now he saw him
or whatever the hell his name is is
there was not enough land to support
them both because of all the livestock
and possessions they had acquired oh
that's a bad problem to have huh
so esau also known as edom settled in
the hill country of sayre
this is the account of esau's
descendants the [ __ ] who lived in
the hill country of saiyar
these are the names of esau's sons oh
eliphaz the son of esau's wife aydah and
rule the son of esau's wife basemath the
descendants of eliphaz were
ah marboughgetting taemin omar zepho
timna the concubine of course of esau's
son eliphaz gave birth to a son named
amalek i feel like the bible is more
record than it is like a story about god
making sure that their [ __ ] names get
passed down because heaven forbid that
you know you don't remember your
ancestors and where you came from blah
blah blah blah blah right right
these are the descendants of esau's wife
ada the descendants of rule were
nahath zira shamaw and mazah these are
the descendants of esau's wife basemath
esau also had sons through o holy bama
the daughter of ana and granddaughter of
their names were jews jalam and korra i
feel like either they're saying things
repetitively or they're naming their
kids the same names a lot my brain is
just complete mush honestly like name
name name name name name name name so
what you're hearing is like the teacher
that's the perfect perfect description
these are the descendants of esau who
became the leaders of various clans the
descendants of esau's oldest son eliphaz
became the leaders of the clans of timon
kanaz korra ghatam and amalek these are
the clan leaders in the land of edom who
descended from eliphaz all of these were
descendants of esau's wife aydah
oh my god the descendants of esau's wife
rule became the leaders of the clans of
nahath zara shamatha and mizzah
these are the clan leaders in the land
of edom who descended from rule all
these were descendants of esau's wife
oh my god the descendants of esau and
his wife a holy obama became the leaders
of the clans of jus jalam and qura these
are the clan leaders who descended from
esau's wife of holy boma the daughter of
ana these are the clans descended from
esau also known as edom identified by
their clan leaders these are the names
of the tribes that descended from seer
the horite they lived in the land of
edom lotan showballs the bien anad
yezir and deshawn i feel like we're
announcing like a really large sports
yeah like now playing center field right
i'm trying to imagine what uniform these
guys would have like what sport are we
even talking about you said center field
so that would be baseball yeah okay good
i don't do sports no that was good yeah
these were the [ __ ] clan leaders the
descendants of seer who lived in the
land of idahom the descendants of lotan
loton's sister was named timna the
descendants of showball were alvin
simon theodore just kidding
just kidding alvin minah hath ebal chefo
and no nam the descendants of zebian
were aya and anna this is the anna who
discovered the hot springs in the
wilderness while he was grazing his
father's donkeys you know that guy [ __ ]
does that matter i don't know it's in
parentheses though and they wanted us to
the descendants of anna were his son
deshawn the daughter a holy bomba
and his daughter o holy baba the
descendants of deshaun were hemden
itharan and quran karen i don't just for
the record i hate this chapter i hate
should i just go no no no no
we're reading the bible remember i know
it's just that this part's boring that
doesn't that's the whole [ __ ] thing's
boring i know but this is really
painfully boring let's just get through
this really painfully boring okay i'm
just going to buzz through it real fast
yeah just buzz here real fast then the
descendants of either were billa zavon
and akan the descendants of deshaun were
uz and iran so these were the leaders of
the whoreite clans lotan shabbal zabai
ana dashan ezr and deshan the horite
clans are named after their clan leaders
who lived in the land of sir these are
the kings who ruled in the land of edon
before any king ruled over the
israelites bella son of bore
became king in his place when joe babb
died husham from the land of the
tammanites became king in his place when
husham died haddad son of bidad
became king in his place and ruled the
city of abeth yes holy [ __ ] indeed
he was the one who defeated you know the
midianites in the land of the world i
mean he was that that guy totally right
when haddad died stamlo from the city of
masrika became king in his place when
samuel died shovel from the city of
hold on hold on let me try this again
re-hoboth on the river became king in
baal hanan son of akbar became king in
his place when baal hanan son of akbar
died haddad became king in his place and
ruled from the city of pow pow pow pow
i'm running out of steam here and now on
the mound his wife was pitching tonight
the daughter of matrid and granddaughter
these are the names of the leaders of
the cleanse descended from esau who
lived in the places named for them
kanez timon mibzar magdiel and ram these
are the leaders of the clans of edom
listed according to their settlements
in the land they occupied i'm coming to
they all descended from esau the
ancestor of the [ __ ] okay so
now if you had to take a guess as to how
many of those names you pronounced wrong
except for esau but only because i've
heard that one okay all right
you suck i i suck too though right but
that okay okay whoever wrote this [ __ ]
yeah this is definitely boring but not
hard to pronounce names like that's just
an ethnic thing and i refuse to make fun
names that i'm not i'm not even
commenting on that i'm commenting on the
just list of names like what is that
right that's so stupid it's like i just
read a baby book but in another language
right and a baby book in and of itself
all right let's get on to the next
chapter i hope that there's something
better than this i hope it's not more
names please cause that's gonna make
this a really boring week i know
other than we might find out who's
finally playing first base
all right so we're heading on to chapter
37 now yes all right we'll see you guys
didn't we already do this no i'm doing
it again hey husband what up wife
we are about to have story thank god
more than that thank god that's funny i
mean you know it's his story so okay
yeah well but more than that it's a
story we're familiar with ah do you
remember that musical i made you watch
joseph and the multi-colored coats
whatever thing yeah starring donnie
osmond in his very hottest role ever
yeah it wasn't bad for a 70s
whatever it was an excellent musical
yeah okay so that's the story yeah okay
genesis chapter 37 joseph sold into
okay oh yeah that's what i'm saying nice
yeah you know this story i know this
story isn't that exciting it's kind of
exciting especially after all that name
[ __ ] yeah we went from like one
extreme to oh okay this one's not too
so jacob settled again in the land of
canaan where his father had lived as a
this is the account of jacob and his
family when joseph was 17 years old he
often attended his father's flocks he
worked for his half-brothers the sons of
his wife his father's wives billah and
zilpah but joseph reported to his father
some of the bad things his brothers were
doing oh he's a little smart
jacob loved joseph more than any of his
other children because joseph had been
born to him in his old age yeah he was
rachel's son yeah yeah when he tells on
all of his other brothers right but
that's only part of why that's rachel's
son he was his favorite wives son right
so one day jacob had a special gift made
for joseph a beautiful robe it was of
many colors it was splendid i mean
that'd be worth a fortune back then
because you know colors are hard to come
by right in the desert yeah that's why
it was such a big deal yeah yeah but his
brothers hated joseph because their
father loved him more than the rest of
them they couldn't say a kind word to
him i mean i don't blame them it sucks
when parents play favorites and you know
you're not the favorite right and then
like if you're already not the favorite
why shouldn't you do naughty things
right like who [ __ ] cares yeah you're
never gonna have your parents love as
much as you want or need so [ __ ] it
right one you're kind of setting that
some [ __ ] too yeah yeah because um how
how could they not resent that child and
then that child has the responsibility
of it's just parents suck right yeah
one night joseph had a dream and when he
told his brothers about it they hated
listen to this dream he said oh i wish i
could sing this like donny did we were
out in the field tying up bundles of
grain suddenly my bundle stood up and
your bundles all gathered around and
his brothers responded so you think you
will be our king do you do you actually
think you will reign over us jesus i'm
just telling you a dream dude right and
they hated him all the more because of
his dreams and the way he talked about
soon joseph had another dream and again
he told his brothers about it i mean
joseph is asking for them to hate him
because i mean honestly like you didn't
read the room dude they don't want to
hear your i had a dream that i ruled
over you ha ha right yeah like it's yeah
so i mean i know joseph is supposed to
be the guy but i know this is setting it
up for right you know right this moral
and all that well yeah yeah i get it
listen i have had another dream he said
the sun moon and 11 stars bowed low
this time he told the dream to his
father as well as to his brothers but
his father scolded him what kind of
dream is that he asked will your mother
and i and your brothers actually come
and bow to the ground before you
yeah i mean right but while his brothers
were jealous of joseph his father
wondered what the dreams meant right
soon after this joseph's brothers went
to pasture their father's flocks at
when they had been gone for some time
jacob said to joseph your brothers are
pastoring the sheep at shechem get ready
and i will send you to them i'm ready to
go joseph replied go and see how your
brothers and the flocks are getting
along jacob said then come back and
bring me a report you narc yeah right so
jacob sent him on his way and joseph
traveled to sheshem from their home in
the valley of hebron when he arrived
there a man from the area noticed him
wandering around the country countryside
what are you looking for he asked at
least he didn't wrestle him right
i'm looking for my brothers joseph
replied do you know where they are
yes the man told them they have moved on
from here but i heard them say let's go
so joseph followed his brothers to
dothan and found them there when
joseph's brother saw him coming they
recognized him in the distance because
it's multicolored right yeah it just
kind of stands out as he approached they
made plans to kill him wow that
escalated quickly yeah it's like you
know it's coming but even still you're
here comes the dreamer they said come on
let's kill him and throw me into one of
these cisterns damn we can tell our
father a wild animal has eaten him then
we'll see what becomes of his dreams
but when reuben heard of their scheme he
let's not kill him he said why should we
shed any blood let's just throw him into
this empty cistern here in the
wilderness then he'll die without our
reuben isn't that still killing somebody
reuben was secretly planning to rescue
joseph and return him to his father okay
yeah that's fair so when joseph arrived
his brothers ripped off the beautiful
robe he was wearing then they grabbed
him and threw him into the cistern now
the cistern was empty there was no water
then just as they were sitting down to
eat they looked up and saw a caravan of
camels in the distance coming toward
them it was a group of ishmaelite trader
komi ishmael traders taking a load of
gum bomb and aromatic resin from gilead
judah said to his brothers what will we
gain by killing our brother
we'd have to cover up the crime instead
of hurting him let's sell him to these
ishmaelite traitors after all he is our
brother our own flesh and blood
because he's your brother you have the
i'd rather sell him than let him die or
he's our brother so let's not kill him
okay let's merely just sell him into
slavery all right yeah i mean i guess
decent-ish i mean the whole compared to
killing somebody right you know
and his brothers agreed so when the
ishmaelites who were midian knight
traitors came by joseph's brothers
pulled him out of the cistern and sold
him to them for 20 pieces of silver so
they threw him in the cistern first
and then yeah no i i know but yeah yeah
okay and then they pulled them out got
it and they sold them got it got it
and the traders took him to egypt some
time later reuben returned to get joseph
out of the cistern when he discovered
that joseph was missing he tore his
clothes and grief then he went back to
his brothers and lamented the boy is
then the brothers killed a young goat
and dipped joseph's robe in its blood
okay they sent the beautiful robe to
their father with this message oh my
gosh look at what we found doesn't this
you definitely know it belongs to him
right their father recognized it
immediately yes he said it is my son's
robe a wild animal must have eaten them
joseph has clearly been torn to pieces
then jacob tore his clothes and dressed
himself in burlap he mourned deeply for
his son for a long time his family all
tried to comfort him but he refused to
i will go to my grave morning for my son
he would say and then he would weep
meanwhile the midianite traders arrived
or europe i don't know why i said that
they arrived in egypt where they sold
joseph to potiphar an officer of the
pharaoh the king of egypt potiphar was
captain of the palace guard the end
oh i guess there's more to come there's
more to that story that's the end of
that chapter so you guys have to just
stay tuned i guess but let me just put
in a plug for joseph and the
dreamcoat or whatever it's called yeah
it's a really good movie and if you
haven't seen it you really ought to even
silly it's set as a stage play and it's
a fantastic musical so homework
assignment then huh yeah go watch that i
i think it's pretty good yeah
yeah even though it's old right that's
so okey-dokey yeah there wasn't a whole
lot to complain i mean other than i mean
this was a weird week good story
names why why why aren't followed up by
a decent story yeah like in and nobody
got killed or raped right um just
somebody got sold into slavery after
being dumped in a cistern after being
dumped in a cistern so i mean you know
for the bible it was pretty
it was pretty uh okay outcome i mean i
would say that the two balanced each
other out so we're at zero zero sum yeah
yeah i hope you guys made it to this
section because that first section wow
you know just just a for the record if
you ever don't want to hear a bunch of
name drops you can always hit that you
know forward 30 seconds and try to get
to the next section or something that's
true you shouldn't like just skip us
entirely you should i mean we do say
funny stuff sometimes in the middle of
those things so it's not always
you know beneficial to skip it but but i
can understand if you get bored names
because it's boring to read oh my god
painful it's just painful
all right well there should be more
next time we uh come next week yeah yeah
all right well so join us then and we
will see you guys next week yay
um is there a way for people to contact
they can uh get on our twitter account
we have a twitter account we do what is
it it is sacrilegious underscore d
yeah they wouldn't let me put the whole
i had to shorten it to underscore d i
hate them yeah that's disgusting how do
you spell sacrilegious do you know i
don't wanna just look it up in a
i don't i don't want to do that right
now you know why sacrilegious underscore
d okay because you messed it up and i
made you fix it that's why yeah yeah
what about an email yeah we got that too
sacrilegious discourse at gmail.com oh
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know how to spell sacrilegious right
well definitely get a hold of us let us
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also you could answer some questions
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horrible because we suck sometimes
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