[Transcription is auto-generated and may not be perfect]
0:05
hey you welcome to sacrilegious
discourse i'm husband i'm wife and
together we're reading the bible
starting with genesis and eventually
ending with revelations we're working
through every book and offering our
atheist two cents four shekels yeah
we're asking questions and pointing out
all the nonsense we aren't academics or
scholars nope in fact when it comes to
religion we really don't know anything
what we've learned so far is that god's
a dick oh he really is isn't he if
you're interested in how we reached this
startling conclusion maybe start from
episode one otherwise jump in anywhere
hey wife we just got a new sponsor it's
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husband yes wife do you remember what
happened the last time we recorded i
don't have a clue it feels like the
world has been going on for like another
year since the last time we recorded it
has definitely been a decade or three
right yeah um well did god get
um no but joseph got sold into slavery
do you remember who joseph is yeah he's
the guy with the multicolored thing that
they threw down a well and then his
favorite son stuff like why is he
jacob's favorite son uh wasn't he
sarah's um rachel rachel yeah that
he was rachel's son yeah that's what i
and did his brothers like him no not at
because he was the favorite son and they
didn't like that and he was always
telling them about these crazy dreams he
had where everybody would be bowing to
him and whatnot yeah yeah that's
basically the gist of what happened yep
so you ready to find out how that goes
yeah what chapters are we going over
today genesis chapters 38 and 39. all
right let's do this [ __ ]
hey wife yes husband did you know that
um yes because you told me but also no
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okay here we go with genesis chapter 38
new people yeah i don't know these guys
about this time judah left home and
moved to adjalom wait about what time i
don't [ __ ] know this time we just
jumped right into judah and tomorrow
look all i know is that this is the time
and it is this time it's about this time
it's not this time it's about this time
around about it's a meanwhile back at
where he stayed with a man named hera
there he saw a canaanite woman the
daughter of shua and he married her
that's nice for him yeah when he slept
with her she became pregnant what's that
that happens and she gave birth to a son
that was lucky for them because we all
know how much they like their boys right
that sounds like a terrible name
then she became like they were sitting
there going what are we gonna name him
yeah that sounds perfect okay yeah
then she became pregnant again and gave
birth to another son and she named him
and when she gave birth to a third son
okay and sheila doesn't sound right well
sorry and you're thinking from a
um man woman current day point of view
and sheila today is a girlish name one
of those could be you're not pronouncing
it right it could be sheila
at the time of shalah's birth they were
living at kazeeb in the course of time
judah arranged for his firstborn son
to marry a young woman named tamar but
er was a wicked man in the lord's sight
so the lord took his life bye bye er
you [ __ ] suck dude bye bye
you made like two sentences in the bible
and i'm you're just you're outtie like
if he was so bad either we should have
heard about the bad that he did
or he should never have been mentioned
in the first [ __ ] place god wrote
those two sentences and he was like
then judah said to ur's brother onan go
and marry tamar as our law requires of
the brother of a man who has died you
must produce an heir for your brother
that is so gross that's like if you died
and i have to marry your brother yeah
that's dumb that's gross but this is the
law but not god's law i don't [ __ ]
know who made it up and like they had
laws back then who even knows sometimes
murder's good sometimes murder is bad
rape is always okay and incest is
sometimes on the table what if he was
already married then what's required i
guess he takes more than one wife
because back then paulie and emery what
is it polyamory yeah i think so
was a okay certainly wasn't paul lying
but onan was not willing to have a child
who would not be his own heir
so whenever he had intercourse with his
brother's wife he spilled the semen on
the ground this is so [ __ ] explicit
they act like it was in a cup or
whoops he pulled out i'm right yeah this
prevented her from having a child who
would belong to his brother oh my god
why would it belong to the dead okay but
wait but this is what they teach in
school this is why people believe that
the pull-out method works
jesus it's right there in the bible it
totally works no it doesn't
yeah don't listen to me just so that
everybody in the planet knows the
pull-out method is not an effective form
of [ __ ] birth control it's garbage
but the lord considered it evil for onan
to deny a child to his dead brother wait
okay so it is the lord's bidding that
because the lord considers it evil
apparently i don't know evil
to deny a child to his dead brother but
evil is a pretty strong [ __ ] word i
would have to [ __ ] the [ __ ] out of your
brother but he could never give me a
child because if i didn't give you a
child he could be considered evil for
doing something evil but i don't have a
i guess y'all going to hell
he is i'm just a woman i was already
because women are disgusting in the
sight of the lord seems to be that way
yeah so the lord took onan's life too
you didn't [ __ ] your girl hard enough
what you didn't [ __ ] your brother your
dead brother's wife why does god care
about these people just individually
like he's he doesn't care about whole
cities sometimes but this guy didn't
[ __ ] his brother's wife
and he's like [ __ ] you die
and the other guy he was like your
i don't know this whole book is just so
disgusting and bad and wrong
then judah said to said to tamar his
daughter-in-law go back to your parents
home and remain a widow until my son
sheila shala is old enough to marry you
i'd be weary about that and besides
you're you're gonna be marrying like an
old chick or something at this point
like basically he's saying hey woman
you're a piece of garbage and until you
marry a boy even a boy who is 20 years
you're just nothing garbage trash but he
already she married all both of those
guys already right and the one guy got
the other guy had sex with her but
didn't give her an error and he got
killed by god because he was pulling out
and see they shouldn't teach pulling out
because it gets you killed by god
i don't know but judah didn't really
intend to do this because he was afraid
shala would also die see well yeah i
mean i would be like his two brothers
stupid so tamara went back to live in
her father's home if i were tomorrow i
would be like sealing that [ __ ] up yeah
right like i'm good everybody that [ __ ]
god does not like my poo nanny
some years later judah's wife died after
the time of morning was over judah and
hira i don't know the ajula might went
up to timnah to supervise the sharing of
his sheep someone told tamar look your
father-in-law is going up to timnah to
share his sheep tamar was aware that
shellah had grown up but no arrangements
had been made for her to come and marry
so she changed out of her widow's
clothing and covered herself with a veil
then she sat beside the road at the
entrance to the village of enam e name
in nyam which is the road to timna
judah noticed her and thought she was a
prostitute since she had covered her
that's definitely where i would leap
so okay so he stopped and propositioned
her let me have sex with you he said
not realizing that she was his own
good oh my god this is so gross so
prostitution was okay yeah you don't die
for prostitution nor polyamory
nor sometimes murder but i mean you know
they think prostitution is really evil
and bad they also apparently it was okay
at least it was better than not giving
yeah you ain't gonna get killed for that
how much will you pay to have sex with
me tamara asked in her most sexy 1-800
i'll send you 1-800 bible [ __ ] yeah
i guess it's a 900 right 900 yeah my bad
yeah those things don't really exist
that's so funny yeah remember those 900
and they would they would advertise on
tv like after hours all the time yeah
i'll send you a young goat from my flock
judah promised but what will you give me
to guarantee that you will send the goat
she asked well i forgot to use my sexy
what kind of guarantee do you want he
replied she answered leave me your
identification seal and its cord and the
walking stick you are carrying so
basically that would be identification
seal i don't know what that means but
like in today it would be like leave me
your driver's license and your cell
so judah gave them to her man he wanted
her punani bad apparently he doesn't
know that he's likely to die from it
well but unless you give your
daughter-in-law an heir yeah yeah then
he had intercourse with her and she
that was a close one yeah he hadn't got
her pregnant god had probably killed him
yep afterwards she went back home took
off her veil and put on her widow's
later judah asked his friend hera hurrah
the ajulamite to take the young goat to
the woman and to pick up the things he
had given her as his guarantee but
hurrah couldn't find her uh-oh
so he asked the men who lived there
where can i find the shrine prostitute
who was sitting beside the road at the
entrance to inayam we've never had a
shrine prostitute here they replied
so hurrah returned to judah and told him
i couldn't find her anywhere and the men
of the village claim they've never had a
then let her keep the things i gave her
judah said i sent the young goat as we
agreed but you couldn't find her we'd be
the laughingstock of the village if we
went back again to look for
laughingstock huh yeah that's what he's
about three months later judah was told
tomorrow your daughter-in-law has acted
like a prostitute and now because of
bring her out and let her be burned
judah demanded but as they were oh wait
was this judah that had sex with her is
that is that okay yeah and she wasn't
supposed to be having sex because once
your husband dies you're a nothing piece
of [ __ ] and you're not allowed to have
sex with anybody ever except for that
your husband's brother who's got to
marry you okay right right or they die
and if they don't give you a kid and
then you're not allowed to have sex with
anybody right because heaven forbid that
a woman actually the woman probably
won't be pronounced she'll probably be
daughter-in-law right yeah yeah he's
probably going to marry his
daughter-in-law as my guest or he's
going to get killed by god who even
[ __ ] knows but god knows
the writer of this bible right yeah but
as they were taking her out to kill her
she sent this message to her
father-in-law the man who owns these
things made me pregnant look closely
whose seal and cord and walking stick
judah recognized them immediately and
she is more righteous than i am because
i didn't arrange for her to marry my son
and judah never slept with tamar again
when the time came for tamar to give
birth it was discovered that she was
while she was in labor one of the babies
reached out his hand the midwife grabbed
the midwife grabbed it and tied a
scarlet string around the child's wrist
announcing this one came out first but
then he pulled back his hand and out
came his brother oh my gosh what the
midwife exclaimed how did you break out
first so he was named perez
then the baby with the scarlet string on
his wrist was born and he was named
like these stories sometimes end so
pointlessly okay keep in mind it
probably continues in the next chapter
but okay okay all right it's just like
but yeah it's weird very abrupt she had
twins and there was some weird
shenanigans going on as they fought
around and to get out first right yeah i
mean that's not the part i was stuck on
i was stuck on the fact that her you
know father-in-law is the one that had
sex with her and right you know all of
his sons died because they didn't have
sex right with her yeah and the one was
named her so i mean he died yeah but you
know yeah that's the part that i was
then we get to the end and it's like
disregard all of the [ __ ] that came
before twins fighting to get outside of
tunnel yeah i've seen that before
get me the [ __ ] out of here
okay let's find out if they got the [ __ ]
out huh okay chapter 39 coming up
okay so we're back to joseph now so that
last bit apparently it's like a
standalone section yeah like she had
twins and it was weird at the end and
they fought over coming out of the badge
okay so genesis chapter 39 joseph and
potiphar's wife oh my phone just went
out okay sorry nothing your phone i know
like it's just the screen darker you
always have something happen i do oh
[ __ ] i lost my place oh [ __ ] my phone's
stupid okay you know what
i am the one reading this and i have
read 38 chapters how many have you read
and got right i have made hilarious
comments on 38 chapters so thank you
very much but you have not read a single
one and you're criticizing that i have
[ __ ] up a few i know that's my job i
just sit here and i'm god i'm the peanut
gallery eat my ass no thanks when joseph
was taken to egypt by the ishmaelite
traders he was purchased by potiphar an
egyptian officer good old potiphar
all i could think is that musical in his
potiphar was very blah blah blah i have
not a [ __ ] clue what you're talking
about the musical with donnie osmond oh
joe i didn't joseph oh yeah yeah okay
or whatever sorry you know i don't
remember [ __ ] you don't like that's the
whole point of the beginning of every
one of our episodes it's true i don't
remember [ __ ] you did one time one time
one time one time i'm giving you credit
potipher was captain of the guard for
pharaoh the king of egypt the lord was
with joseph so he succeeded in
everything he did as he served in the
home of his egyptian master he's lucky
he didn't have to [ __ ] his brother's
wife i was just gonna say like the lord
is with him but he ain't making them
[ __ ] [ __ ] and have babies right wow
yeah like killing them like her
potiphar noticed this and realized that
the lord was with joseph giving him
success in everything he did this
pleased potiphar so he soon made joseph
his personal attendant he put him in
charge of his entire household and
everything he owned from the day joseph
was put in charge of his master's
household and property the lord began to
bless potiphar's household for joseph's
all his household affairs ran smoothly
and his crops and livestock flourished
that's lucky we should get us a joseph
so potiphar gave joseph complete
administrative responsibility over
everything he owned with joseph there he
didn't worry about a thing except what
joseph was a very handsome and
well-built young man and potted for his
soon began to look at him lust oh no
come and sleep with me she demanded
but joseph refused look he told her my
master trusts me with everything in his
entire household no one here has more
authority than i do he has held back
nothing from me except you because you
are his wife how could i do such a
wicked thing it would be a great sin
she kept putting pressure on joseph day
after day but he refused to sleep with
her and he kept out of her way as much
one day however no one else was around
when he went in to do his work she came
in and grabbed him by his cloak
demanding come on sleep with me oh my
god joseph tore himself away but he left
his cloak in her hand as he ran from the
house his cloak is always getting him
when she saw that she was holding his
cloak and wait he doesn't have the it's
not the multi-colored because his
brothers took that right like
whatever cloaky wears right right it's
always problematic i'm just making sure
joseph and all his we're not talking
about the multi-colored right whatever
when she saw that he was holding his
cloak and he had fled she called out to
her servants oh i see where this is
going you see where this is going no
woman scorned and all that oh okay you
don't remember this movie at all
no i don't wow she called out to her
servants soon all the men came running
look she said my husband has brought
this hebrew slave here to make fools of
us he came into my room to rape me but i
screamed when he heard me scream he ran
outside and got away but he left his
cloak behind with me what an [ __ ]
yeah she is a [ __ ] she kept the cloak
with her until her husband came home
then she told him her story that hebrew
slave you've brought into our house
tried to come in and fool around with me
she said but when i screamed he ran
outside leaving his cloak with me
potiphar the idiot the [ __ ] who didn't
realize that his wife was a [ __ ]
skank hoebag right was furious when he
heard his wife's story about how joseph
had treated her so he took joseph and
threw him into the prison where the
king's prisoners were held and there he
remained i'm surprised you didn't kill
seriously we're talking about you know
that's how they dealt with [ __ ] back
then i think he would like had mixed
feelings i think he was like you tried
to rape my wife but you did so much good
for my household and she is a skank so
maybe maybe maybe he was just trying to
save face by getting rid of him i guess
like he has to know his wife's a [ __ ]
why does he have to why does he have to
maybe this is the first time she's ever
thrown herself at somebody
i don't know i don't get that impression
i'm just saying maybe all the egyptian
people around there they were just like
is that is that what you think women
sound like no when they're attracted to
is that what i said when i
good stuff it's not what you said no not
but the lord was with joseph in the
prison and showed him his faithful love
god was in prison god was in prison
and the lord made joseph a favor with
the prison warden before long the warden
put joseph in charge of all the other
prisoners and over everything that
happened in the prison that sounds like
but why would you want to do a job when
well i mean if you get put you're
probably had special privileges i was
gonna say if you get put in jail don't
you want to like rise to the top yeah
yeah i've never been in jail so i
wouldn't know but i get them extra
cigarettes and [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah
the warden had no more worries because
joseph took care of everything the lord
was with him and caused everything he
did to succeed the end lucky joseph
he's such he's such a lucky
person who has god on the side i was
gonna say like all he did was have god
on his side right and it's just random
people it's just random people in the
bible like yep this dude's got god with
them yeah and he's gonna succeed at
everything because god right now it's
not like he did anything special see
that's what people outside of the bible
would have you believe that they earned
it like no these guys did nothing
special to gain god's favor he literally
got born and yeah god's like
dude you're my you're my bro you're my
bro and i'm gonna take care of your [ __ ]
and just you just chill because you
ain't got to worry about anything i got
this yep wherever you go and then this
dude er he's going to [ __ ] die yep i
don't like it because i don't like his
and [ __ ] him [ __ ] her [ __ ] earth so much
that even though his brother's not named
her i'm gonna look for a reason to kill
that that's right yeah he didn't put he
didn't put a baby in his in her wife i
[ __ ] killed her but now i'm gonna
[ __ ] kill him because [ __ ] earth [ __ ]
and [ __ ] all that [ __ ] because [ __ ] them
i'll kill who the [ __ ] i want and i'll
like who i want so [ __ ] you guys i'm
going home god is so petty
whatever i don't know i i was gonna say
something but then i couldn't come up
with anything my mind went blank so
i just left it there you were on a roll
i was on a roll and then i lost it so
we're gonna hope that the role comes
back by next week no not next week by
thursday by thursday yeah
so i always think next week because we
started doing this weekly at first and
then yeah we're like nah let's do it
bi-weekly no but this is a tuesday and
next time will be a thursday so join us
on thursday for the next episode which
will be genesis chapters 40 and 41. and
maybe we'll get to learn more about
but not er not er that fucker's dead
um is there a way for people to contact
they can uh get on our twitter account
we have a twitter account we do what is
it it is sacrilegious underscore d
like d for discourse yeah they wouldn't
let me put the whole thing so
i had to shorten it to underscore d i
hate them yeah that's disgusting how do
you spell sacrilegious do you know i
don't want to just look it up in a
i don't i don't want to do that right
now you know why sacrilegious underscore
d okay cause you messed it up and i made
you fix it that's why yeah yeah what
about an email yeah we got that too
sacrilegious discourse at gmail.com oh
well that's easy yeah as long as you
know how to spell sacrilegious right
well definitely get a hold of us let us
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