[Transcription is auto-generated and may not be perfect]
0:05
hey you welcome to sacrilegious
discourse i'm husband i'm wife and
together we're reading the bible
starting with genesis and eventually
ending with revelations we're working
through every book and offering our
atheist two cents four shekels yeah
we're asking questions and pointing out
all the nonsense we aren't academics or
scholars nope in fact when it comes to
religion we really don't know anything
what we've learned so far is that god's
a dick oh he really is isn't he if
you're interested in how we reached this
startling conclusion maybe start from
episode one otherwise jump in anywhere
hey wife we just got a new sponsor it's
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something even more amazing uh yeah i
actually know what they are you are full
of [ __ ] i'm calling your bluff tell me
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we should probably go ahead right now
if there is any coughing in the
background we have a sick little person
so that might happen it might it might
are you okay with that i'm okay with
this [ __ ] everybody else well yeah
that's my feelings on the matter exactly
you can get the [ __ ] over it yep
oh okay so anyway do you remember what
why were you pretending i was trying i
was trying you were trying yeah
i saw the steam coming out of your ears
so what happened last time was that
joseph was [ __ ] with his brothers
joseph oh that's right because they all
they all came to sam and then they were
like eating stuff yeah and they were
bowing to them and whatnot yeah
okay that's pretty much it okay all
right and now we are about to do genesis
chapters 44 and 45. all right well let's
hey wife yes husband did you know that
um yes because you told me but also no
so we're on patreon now are we we are
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that sounds really drastic and escalated
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so i think that joseph is going to
continue [ __ ] with his brothers oh
yeah yeah are you ready i'm ready
genesis chapter 44 the missing cup
do you remember this at all from the
movie no oh my god you are lousy i am
lousy just like that's the whole
sentence you are lousy i know
when his brothers were ready to leave
joseph gave these instructions to his
palace manager fill each of their sacks
with as much grain as they can carry and
put each man's money back into a sack
then put my personal silver cup at the
top of the youngest brother's sack along
with the money for his grain
yeah you don't remember this at all no
you don't know where this is going no oh
so the manager did as joseph instructed
him the brothers were up at dawn and
were sent on their journey with their
but when they had gone only a short
that wasn't a cough that was a big old
i did not apologize in advance for that
and i'm not going to because i'm as
pissed as anybody listening yeah sorry
when you guys start giving us money or
something we'll donate or we'll we'll uh
make a soundproof like podcasty room or
some [ __ ] oh we will i mean you know if
we're like rich doing this [ __ ] like
professional and whatnot i guess i
thought this was just for fun so give us
money or some [ __ ] yeah like you know
yeah so that we don't have to worry
about cars and crap motorcycles brooming
their engines but our daughter's still
allowed to cough even if we have a
professional yeah because [ __ ] you as
in the nicest way possible thanks for
listening affectionately [ __ ] you but
affectionately we love you yep sure
but when they had gone only a short
distance and were barely out of the city
joseph said to his palace manager chase
after them and stop them when you catch
up with them ask them why have you
repaid my kindness with such evil why
have you stolen my master's silver cup
which he uses to predict the future
wait was this when they left the first
time no this is the second time this is
right now okay okay oh cause they yeah
okay okay okay first time right right
i got it you do not keep up sorry so
anyway why have you stole oh yeah why
have you stolen my master silver cup
which he uses to predict the future what
a wicked thing you have done i didn't
know he used a silver cup to do that i
thought he just interpreted their dreams
he probably doesn't use a silver cup he
was probably just was [ __ ] with
himself yeah he's probably just [ __ ]
with him god what a douchebag
when the palace manager caught up with
the men he spoke to them as he had been
instructed what are you talking about
the brothers responded we are your
servants and would never do such a thing
didn't we return the money we found in
our sacks you know from the first time
we brought it all we brought it back all
the way from the land of canaan why
would we steal silver or gold from your
master's house if you find his cup with
any one of us let that man die
and all the rest of us my lord will be
your slaves that's fair the man replied
but only the one who stole the cup will
be my slave the rest of you may go free
so he's like not going to kill the
the quote-unquote thief yeah
they all quickly took their sacks from
the backs of their donkeys and opened
them the palace manager searched the
brothers sacks from the oldest to the
youngest and the cup was found in
benjamin's sack oh damn gasp gasp
when the brothers saw this they tore
their clothing in despair is that what
you tear your clothing really that's
what like like you they're in such like
uh they're like pulling at their hair
and they're like oh my god
like they're so upset i'm gonna have to
try that sometimes i know that's like
i've never been so distraught that i
tore at my clothing or my hair
and i've been pretty [ __ ] distraught
in my life but i think that uh president
trump wanted to tear his clothing
i would like to he was gonna come out of
the hospital with a superman shirt on or
something [ __ ] oh yeah he was gonna do
that yeah i bet he was sad that he
couldn't do that i know i mean i've
always wanted that i mean if there's one
thing you could do as president you
could be you could rip your clothes and
open up to a superman shirt that's
i hate trump but that's awesome somebody
said that um he probably tried it and
put on a superman shirt and saw how fat
and stupid he looked in it that he
changed his mind he probably fell over
then they loaded their donkeys again and
returned to the city joseph was still in
his palace when judah and his brothers
arrived and they fell to the ground
what have you done joseph demanded don't
you know that a man like me can predict
judah answered oh my lord what can we
say to you how can we explain this how
can we prove our innocence god is
punishing us for our sins my lord we
have all returned to be your slaves all
of us not just our brother who had your
i would never do such a thing only the
man who stole the cup will be my slave
the rest of you may go back to your
what's in your sack sorry
same um chapter but continuing on judah
then judah stepped forward and said
please my lord let your servant say just
one word to you please do not be angry
with me even though you are as powerful
my lord previously you asked us your
servants do you have a father or a
and we responded yes my lord we have a
father who has an old man and his
youngest son is a child of his age
his full brother is dead and he alone is
left of his mother's children and his
father loves him very much and you said
to us bring him here so i can see him
with my own eyes but we said to you my
lord the boy cannot leave his father for
but you told us unless your youngest
brother comes with you you will never
so this is such a long recap of a
conversation yes it's all just the same
[ __ ] oh so we returned to your servant
our father and told him what you had
said later when he said to us go back
again and buy us more food we replied we
can't go unless you let our youngest
brother go with us we'll never get to
see the man's face unless our younger
brother is with us then my father said
to us as you know my wife had two sons
and one of them went away and never
returned well he was thrown into a
sister could be like half as long as
they just didn't like right cover the
doubtless he was torn to pieces by some
wild animal no he was thrown into a
cistern right i have never seen him
since now if you take his brother away
from me and any harm comes to him you
will send this grieving white-haired man
and now my lord i cannot go back to my
father without the boy our father's life
is bound up in the boy's life if he sees
that the boy is not with us our father
we your servants will indeed be
responsible for sending that grieving
white-haired man to his grave my lord i
guaranteed to my father that i would
take care of the boy i told him if i
don't bring him back to you i will bear
the blame forever so please my lord let
me stay here as a slave instead of the
boy and let the boy return with his
brothers for how can i return to my
father if the boy is not with me i
couldn't bear to see the anguish this
the end you know if they they freed up
some of this repetitiveness
we could have learned more about nimrod
i know it's true like i feel we got
it's just that there's so many things
that they say that i don't know what the
[ __ ] they were talking about and i'm
nimrod and like the guy that tower of
babel would have been nice right well i
mean that's nimrod's in that story too i
and like i wanna i wanna know more about
the guy that cursed people 77 times over
yes that would have been badass where
are all the stories that they missed and
then they go on about the same [ __ ]
you know what i wonder i wonder if
they're in like the dead sea scrolls or
some of those other missing books of the
bible that other religions have i mean
there's probably obviously more to those
stories than what we know
you know just by reading the bible
because right you why why else would you
say things like that there's got to be
more literature on it somewhere there
was this guy named nimrod anyway past
the salt right yeah exactly
all right well we're going to head on
over to chat chapter 45 yeah that one
all right we'll see you guys in a minute
chapter 45 i saw how your finger did not
i almost hit the wrong button i know i
saw that and then you had to double
check and i was like uh chapter uh and i
got distracted because i was looking at
it good thing there's like not a delete
entire podcast button right there
chapter 45 joseph makes himself known to
his brethren ah we're finally wrapping
could this possibly be about
he reveals himself to his brethren i
i thought you were legit asking me and i
was like i know you're stupid but are
joseph could stand it no longer there
were many people in the room and he said
to his attendants out all of you
so he was alone with his brothers when
he told them who he was then he broke
down and wept he wept so loudly the
egyptians could hear him and word of it
quickly carro carrod cairo to pharaoh's
word of it quickly carried to pharaoh's
seashells down by the seashore i was
like chirping chip chip chip chip chip
i am joseph he said to his brothers is
my father still alive but his brothers
were speechless they were stunned to
realize that joseph was standing there
in front of them you know because they
threw him in a cistern and then sold him
slavers they sold them as a slave two
please come closer he said to them so
they came closer and he said again i am
joseph your brother whom you sold into
slavery in egypt but don't be upset and
don't be angry with yourselves for
selling me to this place it was god who
sent me here ahead of you to preserve
your lives this famine that has ravaged
the land for two years will last five
more years and there will be neither
plowing nor harvesting god has sent me
ahead of you to keep you and your
families alive and to preserve many
survivors so it was god who sent me here
not you and he is the one who made me an
advisor to pharaoh i thought pharaoh
made him an advisor to the pharaoh i
mean you know everything is quote
unquote god's plan right whatever
the manager of his entire palace and the
governor of all egypt now hurry back to
my father and tell him this is what your
son joseph says god has made me master
over all the land of egypt so come down
immediately you can live in the region
of goshen where you can be like ash
sure you know that brand of clothes for
goshen where you can be near me with all
your children and grandchildren your
flocks and herds and everything you own
i will take care of you there for there
are still five years of famine ahead of
otherwise you your household and all
you can see for yourselves and so can my
brother benjamin that i really am joseph
go tell my father of my honored position
here in egypt describe for him
everything you have seen and then bring
lee could you imagine like your kid
comes back to you after being away for a
while and is like pack it up we're
i mean he's offering them food and
you know i know livelihood and i mean
it's just it's clearly different
offer but it's just clearly different
i can imagine no world where
one of my kids comes back to me and says
pack it up you're moving over to where i
am right but we don't build mud houses
in the middle of a [ __ ] desert though
either well that's true okay
weeping with joy he embraced benjamin
and benjamin did the same then joseph
kissed each of his brothers and wept
over them and after that they began
the news soon reached pharaoh's palace
joseph's brothers have arrived
pharaoh and his officials were all
oh i'm so delighted to hear this
pharaoh said to joseph tell your
brothers this is what you must do load
your pack animals and hurry back to the
land of canaan then get your father and
all of your families and return here to
me i will give you the very best land in
egypt and you will eat from the very
best tree that the lamb produces then
pharaoh said to joseph tell your
brothers take wagons from the land of
egypt to carry your little children and
your wives and bring your father here
what is with your reading voice right
now i don't know i'm just like blah blah
blah i'm i'm bored you're bored i
thought we liked this story it was a
good story i know but now
i'm like good yay wrap it up
don't worry about your personal
belongings for the best of all the land
of egypt is yours so the sons of jacob
did as they were told joseph provided
them with wagons as pharaoh had
commanded and he gave them supplies for
the journey and he gave each of them new
clothes but to benjamin he gave five
he also sent his father 10 male donkeys
loaded with the finest products of egypt
and 10 female donkeys loaded with grain
and bread and other supplies he would
need on his journey so joseph sent his
brothers off and as they left he called
after them don't quarrel about all this
squirrel about what all this good stuff
i'm giving you i want that donkey not
this donkey [ __ ] you joe you got a
bigger man of grain than me
and they left egypt and returned to
their father jacob in the land of canaan
joseph is still alive they told him and
he is governor of all the land of egypt
jacob was stunned at the news he
couldn't believe it but when they
repeated to jacob everything joseph had
told them and when he saw the wagons
joseph had sent to carry him their
father spirits revived then j jost
then jacob exclaimed it must be true my
son joseph is alive i must go and see
him before i die but you know who they
didn't talk about oh that was the end by
the way okay they didn't talk about the
one brother that they had left in jail
simon simon i remembered his name you
did holy [ __ ] i'm amazed
you know what alexa time means
it means we gotta ask our daughter how
much time she spent at school today oh i
thought it meant that it's um
time for bed or something uh that's the
other one that's gonna interrupt us oh
god stupid alexa welcome to the
professional podcast of reading the
bible at sac religious discourse yay
we have alarms go off cars driving by
daughters coughing that's good stuff
she hasn't coughed once she says it's
true you didn't cough once i'm pretty
amazed good on you i've been hiding all
of it have you been hiding all of it
well i'm sorry that you had to hide all
of it you should have just did the big
cough i mean yeah i messed up reading
[ __ ] off so just just go
exactly exactly exactly like that have a
nice covert day upon you and we will see
you next time for the other chapters
which would be 46 and 47. oh yeah that's
what they would be alright and that will
um is there a way for people to contact
they can uh get on our twitter account
we have a twitter account we do what is
it it is sacrilegious underscore d
like d for discourse yeah they wouldn't
let me put the whole thing so
i had to shorten it to underscore d i
hate them yeah that's disgusting how do
you spell sacrilegious do you know i
don't want to just look it up in a
i don't i don't want to do that right
now you know why sacrilegious underscore
d k because you messed it up and i made
you fix it that's why yeah yeah what
about an email yeah we got that too
sacrilegious discourse at gmail.com oh
well that's easy yeah as long as you
know how to spell sacrilegious right
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horrible because we suck sometimes
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