[Transcription is auto-generated and may not be perfect]
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hey you welcome to sacrilegious discourse i'm husband i'm wife and together we're reading the bible
starting with genesis and eventually ending with revelations we're working through every book and offering our
atheist two cents four shekels yeah those we're asking questions and pointing out
all the nonsense we aren't academics or scholars nope in fact when it comes to religion we really don't know anything
at all what we've learned so far is that god's a dick oh he really is isn't he if
you're interested in how we reached this startling conclusion maybe start from episode one otherwise jump in anywhere
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husband wife i have to apologize to you in advance because you sound like you smoked ten
packs of cigarettes i do sound like that i was gonna say i sound like ass because
i'm sick but right um i mean you can say you sound like ass i either sound like i smoke ten packs of
cigarettes or i sound like ass either way right you suck i suck and i'm
sorry for it especially now that we have all these new listeners or whatever i know hello what the hell's going on
you got a bunch of new people listen today apparently they love me yeah they love you keep spreading the good word
they really love me join our cult of shittiness oh my god you're an idiot
what the [ __ ] are we doing today um well before we say what we're about to do let's ask you oh yeah our
bi-weekly question do you remember what happened last time i'm pretty sure we just finished up with joseph and jacob
and all those [ __ ] yeah do you remember what those [ __ ] did i know that jacob died
yeah but just prior to that like he went to egypt and saw his son and it
was all happy dancing i do remember that they were like you know taking advantage of all the poor people yes
there was this giant famine across egypt right and pharaoh but joseph's family
got it you know they did pretty well they because nepotism right is what it's all about you know even though they sold
them to slavers and you know dumped you know whatever well right
a sister sister whatever same difference whatever
and then um the people were like i'll be your slave if you'll just let me not die of starvation please and they
were like well okay but say thank you though yeah but we're done with that now yeah so what are we
doing today we're we think we're done with that anyway we yeah i don't know i don't know
um we've got three chapters of genesis left we are going to read those three
final chapters today genesis chapters 48 49 and 50. wait you
mean we're finishing a book of the bible we are finishing a book of the bible holy [ __ ] i have never read an entire
book of the bible i've never read an entire 10 minutes of a bible
same season well let's get this done and then we can
like celebrate do you think we'll finally find out about nimrod no [ __ ] i mean
we're gonna have a bonus episode next time oh really yeah oh
hell you gotta find all out about nimrod i mean i'm gonna show you what i learned about
him but before we do that um we're gonna have a pop quiz okay to see how much we
remember about the book of genesis you can go ahead and put me down for an f yeah same same same same
okay all right so we were doing what again now today the final three chapters of
genesis 47 no no i'm sorry 48 49 and 50. yes
wow 50 chapters of the bible uh yeah are you ready yeah i am let's do this okay
hey wife yes husband did you know that we are now on patreon
um yes because you told me but also no tell me more [Laughter]
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[Music] all right here we go genesis chapter 48
jacob blesses ephraim and manasseh oh i guess we're back to jacob so it's he's
not dead yet he lied yeah like he died and now he's back yeah from not back from the dead but reply going like
retro or what do they call it flashback flashback yeah like when you put your hands up and you
go jazz yeah wave your hands in front of you like [Music]
okay we're in the past now we're in the past is it black and white it's in black i
think it's in black and white yeah totally imagine black and white okay ready yeah one day not long no no no no
that's not black and white you already have a cigarette voice just go oh my god okay one day not long after this word came to
joseph your father is failing rapidly so joseph went to visit his father and
he took with him his two sons manasseh and ephraim when joseph arrived jacob was told your
son joseph has come to see you so jacob gathered his strength and sat up in his bed jacob said to joseph
god almighty appeared to me at luz in the land of canaan and blessed me he said to me i will make you fruitful and
i will multiply your descendants i will make you a multitude of nations dude he says that to everybody uh no you ain't
special and i will give this land of canaan to your descendants after you as an
everlasting possession he didn't mention he's gonna make him slaves to you whatever
now i am claiming as my own sons these two boys of yours ephraim and manasseh
who were born here in the land of egypt before i arrived they will be my sons
just as reuben and simon are but any children wait did he just literally
steal his grandchildren from joseph and be like you oink these kids might now sounds like it
i thought he was like being symbolic but now he's going but any children born to you in the future will be your own and
they will inherit land within the territories of their brothers ephraim and manasseh
long ago as i was returning from padana ram bananarama rachel died in the land
of canaan we were still we were still on the way some distance from ephrath that is bethlehem so with
great sorrow i buried her there beside the road to ephrath then jacob looked over at the two boys
are these your sons he asked yes joseph told him these are the sons god has given me here in egypt
and jacob said bring them closer to me so i can bless them i would be kind of scared i would be like dude's about to
die and he's taking his sons what does that even mean to take his sons i don't know is he like
well he's blessing them as his own sons so is he blessing them yes like you get
jacob inheritance not just your dad inheritance i mean joseph seems
to be doing all right for himself i know right like thanks no thanks right don't go without your paw needs your help dad
right got this jacob was half blind because of his age and could hardly see so joseph brought
the boys close to him and jacob kissed and embraced them that's what every kid loves to be hugged and kissed by old
people especially when it's like on their deathbed right you're reading over my shoulder i don't like it you don't
typically do that i'm sorry well no i'm just saying like normally you don't read over my shoulder
i mean it's not like it's a secret it's the [ __ ] bible no i know but if i mess up like normally i can just like
keep going like i didn't mess up but so i'd point it out and laugh at you like i do on the show anyway yeah but you might
do it more often if you actually are able to catch me well the audience will love it no they won't they're on my side
they don't want you to read over my shoulder okay i did a poll survey says you didn't do any pull oh i did we just
whatever come on okay then jacob said to joseph i never thought i would see your face
again but now god has let me see your children too god is repetitive joseph moved the boys
who were at their grandfather's knees and he bowed with his face to the ground then he positioned the boys in front of
jacob with his right hand he directed ephraim toward jacob's left hand and
with his left hand he put manasseh at jacob's right hand right left right left are you picturing
i does it really matter no it was too hard though okay it was like a game of chess there with
hands and races and lenses but jacob crossed his arms as he reached
out to lay his hands on the boy's heads he put his right hand on the head of ephraim though he was the younger boy
and his left hand on the head of manasseh though he was the firstborn then he blessed joseph and said may the
god before whom my grandfather abraham and my father isaac walked the god who
has been my shepherd all my life to this very day the angel who has redeemed me
from all harm may he bless these boys may they preserve my name and the names
of abraham and isaac and may their descendants multiply greatly throughout the earth
right yeah be fruitful and multiply it's like the sand i have to ask a question though what
what was with the crossing of the hands and why does it matter which one was the right hand on the left hand does it are they indicating that the right hand
gives a stronger blessing like i think that this is about the older son younger son thing right that we're about
to get into okay i don't know i just but like is this for like you know yeah left
hand right hand yeah i don't yeah okay like it matters right
not to us right but to these people it matters sure and we're about to find out i think why okay but joseph was upset when he
saw that his father placed his right hand on ephraim's head so joseph lifted it to move
it from ephraim's head to manassas head no my father he said this one is the
firstborn put your right hand on his head but his father refused i know my son i know he replied manasseh will also
become a great people but his younger brother will become even greater jesus
you're the one making it happen you're like on purpose sewing discord between these two kids what a dick can you just
be the whole purpose of the bible just [ __ ] die die quiet go peaceful
and his descendants will become a multitude of nations yeah they all will we know we [ __ ] know right so jacob
blessed the boys that day with his blessing he blessed them with a blessing that's great that's how blessings go
that's good writing the people of israel will use your names when they give a blessing they will say may god make you
as prosperous as ephraim and manasseh in this way jacob put ephraim ahead of
manasseh i mean personally i'd rather be as profitable as bezos but that's just me
that came out of left field like i had to think i was like pesos oh
face i see what you did there okay okay then jacob said to joseph look
i'm about to die i love how i say look all the time like you look complementing your look you're complimenting the way
you say a word yeah i am you're not letting me compliment it you're complimenting yourself that is correct okay
it makes me happy i just want to make sure we were clear on that it makes me happy that's good look i'm about to die
but god will be with you and will take you back to canaan the land of your ancestors
and beyond what i have given your brothers i am now giving you an extra portion of the land that i took from the
amorites with my sword and bow the end okay so he
blessed a bunch of people but extra blessed the right hand young chill child whichever one then the left-hand
child was sort of blessed but not as much and apparently right hand left hand means different things yeah one's better
than the other but they didn't really cover that yeah who cares whatever okay
we'll figure it out i was wrong we're still in the story of jacob and joseph and all that so never
ends so apparently we might in the bible with them possibly not the bible i'm sorry no just stay with us we got 16
more books don't go anywhere books jesus okay it's true i think there's like 66 total
or some [ __ ] yeah so all right well let's go on to chapter 49 yes all right be there in just a
okay genesis chapter 49 jacob's prophecy concerning his sons
hmm does this include the sun i wonder if it includes the suns that he just took from joseph's stolen grants stolen grandsons
i don't know let's find out then jacob called together all his sons and said gather around me and i will
tell you what will happen to each of you in the days to come come and listen you sons of jacob listen
to israel your father reuben you are my firstborn my strength the child of my vigorous youth you are
first in rank and first in power but you are as unruly as a flood and you will be
first no longer for you went to bed with my wife you defiled my marriage couch
what the hell jesus christ damn this is like hardcore this is like maury
povich or some [ __ ] he went to bed with his wife you [ __ ] you you i think i kind of remember that but that
just kind of came out of nowhere he's like i'm about to die we clear in the air now
simon and levi are two of a kind their weapons are instruments of violence may
i never join in their meetings may i never be a party to their plans for in their anger they murdered men and they
crippled oxen just for sport a curse on their anger for it is fierce a curse on
their wrath for it is cruel i was i will scatter them among the descendants of
jacob i will disperse them throughout israel now didn't god say at some point that a
murderer has to be like executed yeah i recall that being a thing i think
it just depends on the mood right yeah nothing nothing is solid it's just
like whatever if you're like one of god's people you get a little bit more leeway it's a
a little suggestion law like if you have our blessing oh keep in mind this [ __ ] wasn't written
down at that point either no i know so it was kind of like we'll let this one go i really like this
guy i guess but could you imagine like like your dad is about to die and you've
lived with him your whole family all your life he's about to die and then all of a sudden he's like oh and by the way
right on his way out the door yeah that's cold he just dragged his ass halfway across
the i know i know but i mean think about this like oh and i'm about to die and there's no
time for you to make it up to me the end right right that sucks what a dick honestly yeah i'm taking this taking
joseph's kids yeah yeah what the hell is he doing well i think that he's saying all my sons suck and i'm taking these
two as my sons meaning that they're gonna get the blessings that i don't give to you that's what i think i see i
see i think this is a good thing for so he hates all of his sons except for joseph and benjamin he loves benjamin
the baby okay and probably he likes what was that one that um went to go free simon
no that was reuben and he just said reuben's a bad boy right wow
that's that's harsh i mean he slept with his wife so well yeah
i guess that would yeah kind of be the end of things judah your brothers will praise you you
will grasp your enemies by the neck all your relatives will bow before you judah
my son is a young lion that has finished eating its prey like a lion he crouches
and lies down like a lioness who dares to rouse him the scepter will not depart
from judah nor the ruler's staff from his descendants until the coming of the one to whom it belongs the one whom all
nations will honor he ties his foal to a grapevine the cult of his donkey to a
choice vine he washes his clothes and wine his robes in the blood of grapes his eyes are
darker than wine and his teeth are whiter than milk wow i didn't i didn't really was that
all good like you're good man i mean it sounded like yeah i think it was all good right that was
cool i mean i didn't really understand like the goodness of it but it was kind of cool right because it was kind of
wrapped in like a bunch of metaphorical stuff crap
zebulon will settle by the seashore and will be a harbor for ships his borders
will extend to sidon issachar is a sturdy donkey resting between two saddle packs when he sees
how good the countryside is and how pleasant the land he will bend his shoulder to the load and submit himself
to hard labor so he's a steady ass is a steady ass nice
dan will govern his people like any other tribe in israel dan will be a
snake beside the road a poisonous viper along the path that bites the horse's
hooves so its writer is thrown off i trust in you for salvation oh lord
oh oh okay okay god will be a i mean
random right that was random yeah yeah gad will be attacked by marauding bands
but he will attack them when they retreat asher will dine on rich foods and
produce food fit for kings naphtali is a doe set free that bears
beautiful fawns joseph is the full of a wild donkey the
foal of a wild donkey at a spring one of the wild donkeys on the ridge
archers attacked him savagely they shot at him and harassed him but his bow remained taut and his arms
were strengthened by the hands of the mighty one of jacob by the shepherd the rock of israel
may the god of your father help you may the almighty bless you with the blessings of the heavens above and
blessings of the watery depths below and blessings of the breasts and womb
may my fatherly blessings on you surpass the blessings of my ancestors
reaching to the heights of the eternal hills may these blessings rest on the head of joseph who is a prince among his
brothers wow joseph got a heck of a lot of blessing going on there joseph is awesome awesome is joseph
a-w-e-s-o-m-e awesome awesome is he apparently he's gonna get him some
wombs and breasts yeah he can get that titty benjamin is a ravenous wolf devouring
his enemies in the morning and dividing his plunder in the evening whoa i thought he liked benjamin well i
mean that's not necessarily a bad thing i mean okay all right
we're still on the same chapter but next section the death and burial of jacob yeah dude needs to die no [ __ ] right
yeah these are the 12 tribes of israel and this is what their father said as he
told his sons goodbye he blessed each one with an appropriate message then jacob instructed them
soon i will die and join my ancestors bury me with my father and grandfather in the cave in the field of ephron the
hittite is that the same place this is the cave in the field of mekpalan near
mamrie and canaan that abraham bought from ephron the hittite as a permanent
burial site that's cool there abraham and his wife sarah are buried there
isaac and his wife rebecca are buried and there i buried leah
it is the plot of land and the cave that my grandfather abraham bought from the hittites for the [ __ ] third time
when jacob had finished this charge to his sons he drew his feet into the bed
breathed his last and joined his ancestors and death the end bye-bye jacob bye jacob see you in the next life
have fun in your cave [Laughter] cave burial
so i don't really have anything to add about that yeah no let's just find out what happened to the last of these yeah right here we go we're gonna go do the
last chapter of the bible let's get a hell yeah of the genesis that's what i'm doing
oh my god you're an idiot let's get a hell yeah hell yeah okay let's do this
okay are you ready genesis chapter 50. yeah i'm so excited we just are about to
finish genesis that i'm just so excited okay here we go quick before like a meteor
hits us or something wouldn't that be funny no it would not mean it wouldn't be funny but it would be like you know
appropriate right yeah especially given 2020. yeah yeah that's
true joseph threw himself on his father and wept over him and kissed him then
joseph told the physicians who served him to embalm his father's body so jacob was embalmed the embalming process took
the usual for 40 days you know 40 days the usual 40 days damn can you imagine
if it took people 40 days to embalm nowadays no and think about it this way too like now we have these nice freezers
and like you know medical things that we do like back then it was just
cave and you yeah that body was full rot right and the egyptians mourned his death for
70 days when the period of mourning was over joseph approached pharaoh's advisors and said
please do me this favor and speak to pharaoh on my behalf tell him that my father made me swear an oath he said to
me listen i'm about to die take my body back to the land of canaan and bury me in the
tomb i prepared for myself so please allow me to go and bury my father after his burial i will return
without delay wait he had 70 days to tell the pharaoh this himself and he just like shoves it off on some other
person's like hey at the last minute like tell him i'll peace out i'll be back in a bit yeah yeah or something
well i guess when you're in mourning there's like certain rules and one of them is probably like who you're allowed
to talk to during that time or whatever yes but 70 days seems pretty i bet those commoners that were begging for food i
bet they don't get 70 [ __ ] days right i bet you're right pharaoh agreed to joseph's request go
and bury your father as he made you promise he said so joseph went up to bury his father he was accompanied by
all of pharaoh's officials all the senior members of pharaoh's household and all the senior officers of egypt
that is so lucky like these guys didn't even really know jacob the [ __ ] well he
was basically running egypt though remember jacob wasn't joseph was but that's why they went they didn't go
because of jacob they went because of joseph but i'm just saying like damn right
joseph also took his entire household and his brothers and their households but they left their little children and
flocks and herds in the land of goshen a great number of chariots and charioteers
accompanied joseph what's the difference between a chariot and a charioteer um
i don't know i could tell by your long length i was trying to think of something really funny but i didn't know i got enough i was like chariot with
beer chariot nothing nothing and yeah with beer which
is not good enough so like stop myself but then i said it anyway so you're welcome you're welcome
you're dumb when he arrived at the threshing floor of a todd near the jordan river they
held a very great and solemn memorial service with a seven day period of mourning for joseph's father 70 days and
then they stop at some [ __ ] river and they're like let's do it again for seven days they sure as [ __ ] did
the local residents the canaanites watched the mourning at the threshing floor of a todd then they renamed that
place because that's what they always do right which is near the jordan
mizram for they said this is a place of deep mourning for these egyptians
so jacob's sons did as he had commanded them they carried his body to the land of canaan and buried him in the cave in
the field of machpelah near mamrie this is the cave that abraham had bought
as a permanent burial site from ephraim the hittite remember member member member member he
was just going to give it to him and then he was like nah man i'm going to pay you shut up and take my money 400 silver
something like that i don't remember after burying jacob joseph returned to egypt with his brothers and all who had
accompanied him to his father's burial okay uh-oh we about to end things ready okay the death of joseph oh joseph gonna
die but now that their father was dead joseph's brothers became fearful you
know be funny fearful not feeling funny if they just like that like the title of the thing was the death of joseph
they're like and then five days later joseph died because sometimes the bible does [ __ ] like that it's true but there's a few paragraphs here let me
read them now joseph will show his anger and pay us back for all the wrong we did to him
they said the brothers yeah no i got it yeah so they sent this message to joseph
sorry i'm having a hard time with um words everything it's hard it's hard
to talk and breathe right now everything's stuffy yeah so they sent this message to joseph
before your father died he instructed us to say to you please forgive your brothers
for the great wrong they did to you i'm sorry it's so [ __ ] stupid
i would have thought that would have been something he would have told himself i would i would think so yeah yeah for their sin increa in treating
you so cruelly so we the servants of the god of your father beg you to forgive our sin
not because they're sorry but because they're like oh [ __ ] he's like dad said yeah come on man yeah
totally sorry when joseph received the message he broke down and wept what a fool then his
brothers came and threw themselves down before joseph look we are your slaves they said but
joseph replied don't be afraid of me and my god that i can punish you you intended to harm me but god intended it
all for good he brought me to this position so i could save the lives of many people
and take them as slaves yeah right no don't be afraid i will continue to take care of you and your children so he
reassured them by speaking kindly to them so joseph and his brothers and their
families continued to live in egypt joseph lived to the age of 110 he lived
to see three generations of descendants of his son ephraim and he lived to see the birth of the children of manassas
son makir whom he claimed as his own soon i will die joseph told his brothers
but god will surely come to help you and lead you out of this land of egypt he will bring you back to the land he
solemnly promised to give to abraham to isaac and to jacob then joseph made the sons of israel
swear an oath and he said when god comes to help you and lead you back you must take my bones with you so joseph died
again at the age of 110. the egyptians embalmed him and his body was placed in a coffin in egypt the end
and then apparently at some point they're going to move his bones okay and like i'll celebrate that we just read
the entire book of genesis momentarily but i just gotta say like none of them had to leave egypt it seems
did i miss something right no i mean and they it seems like also they could have gone back any time and they did multiple
times yeah but now all of a sudden they're like oh no we're stuck here or you know what
i said leave egypt but i meant none of them were forced to go to egypt
but now they're like oh no we're stuck in egypt whatever shall we do we have to
leave someday god promised us that land over there which you know we were [ __ ] living on [ __ ]
go go yeah i don't understand like it it all this time i thought that they were
like dragged to egypt against their will and forced to stay there there's a reason that they can't be in the land
that god promised so why aren't they there yeah and why do they go all over the goddamn place and like you know yeah
they spread out for like no [ __ ] reason yeah that's weird i don't get it now i'm understanding this animosity
less and less so okay so there's that but also we just finished the book of genesis holy [ __ ]
how do you feel about it i feel pretty good yeah yeah was it a good book no no
no it locked yeah it was really rough i mean the joseph story that was the best part of it but even that sucked yeah
let's be honest like the bar is low the bar is low when there's like rapes every five seconds an incest yeah and incest
rapes yeah yeah and others there's some a lot of shittiness yeah and slavery so
much slavery and i mean they killed her okay
that is not something i was gonna list as a complaint but okay but i mean it was just like bam dude you're dead yeah
for no reason bam and then his brother he died too i can't remember his name i like her though i like her or is just a
great name or strong and nimrod yeah nimrod yeah erin
nimrod in earth that's all we're going to remember from genesis pretty much yeah um well i mean
we're gonna do you mentioned bonus episodes though right yeah next time is gonna be okay so
this episode is coming out on a thursday so um
next week which is you know a tuesday um we're going to have a bonus episode
and it's going to start with a pop quiz and we're going to see how well we do
how well we remember and there's going to be some summarizing stuff and i might give a
little contextual information and see what i can dig up on
um that guy nimrod that you're so fond of okay okay yeah and then after we're done
with the bonus episodes what's going to be the next book of the bible um exodus okay yeah awesome so
we've got a bonus episode to wrap up genesis and then we will start season
two which is the book of exodus awesome well congratulations on making it all the way
through genesis and if you've listened to every episode with us so far i'm sorry
oh my god but you know what i just realized like not only did we finish the book of genesis but anybody who listened
from the beginning like yeah congratulations to you totally because you finished it too and that's cool i've
never read an entire anything of the bible so if you are like me you know
pat yourself on the back that's really cool i mean not because i think the bible's all you know
it like i don't i don't think it's all it was cracked up to be but you know you did the thing good on you
it's definitely not what it's portrayed to be right yeah that's for sure i'm not finding the holy spirit in it yet no i'm
finding the holy [ __ ] in it definitely some holy [ __ ] going on there
all right guys well we will see you next week with the bonus episodes so have a
great weekend and we'll see you soon yep bye
husband yes wife um is there a way for people to contact us well sure
they can uh get on our twitter account we have a twitter account we do what is it it is sacrilegious underscore d
like d for discourse yeah they wouldn't let me put the whole thing so i had to shorten it to underscore d i
hate them yeah that's disgusting how do you spell sacrilegious do you know i
don't want to just look it up in a dictionary or something i don't i don't want to do that right now you know why sacrilegious underscore
d okay because you messed it up and i made you fix it that's why yeah yeah what about an email yeah we got that too
so sacrilegious discourse at gmail.com oh well that's easy yeah as long as you
know how to spell sacrilegious right well definitely get a hold of us let us know what you thought thought of the
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