[Transcription is auto-generated and may not be perfect]
0:05
hey you welcome to sacrilegious
discourse i'm husband i'm wife and
together we're reading the bible
starting with genesis and eventually
ending with revelations we're working
through every book and offering our
atheist two cents four shekels yeah
we're asking questions and pointing out
all the nonsense we aren't academics or
scholars nope in fact when it comes to
religion we really don't know anything
what we've learned so far is that god's
a dick oh he really is isn't he if
you're interested in how we reached this
startling conclusion maybe start from
episode one otherwise jump in anywhere
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our last couple episodes ran kind of
long yeah they were like getting on
close to an hour that's boring that's a
lot of bible that's too much bible
language that is too much biblical so
um let's change up our format a little
okay okay so we're just gonna do two
chapters today all right sounds good
we're gonna do chapters eight and nine
of genesis all right hang tight everyone
hey wife yes husband did you know that
um yes because you told me but also no
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so do you remember what happened last
noah stuff noah stuff that's right there
god killed all the people and the
unicorns and the unicorns [ __ ] but not
the fishes but not the fishes i mean
fishes the fishes are delicious so he's
all right genesis chapter eight okay
but god remembered noah and all the wild
animals and livestock with him in the
boat he sent a wind to blow across the
earth and the flood waters began to
the underground water stopped flowing
and the torrential rains from the sky
were stopped the jack torrential rains
so the flood waters gradually receded
after 150 days exactly five months from
the time the flood began the boat came
to rest on the mountains of
a ra rat but okay hold on but
so 150 days right he's already done
killed off all the people and all the
furry screen animals on the ground and
and god moved water when he built the
earth why can't he just move the [ __ ]
like why do they have to wait like
40 days and 40 nights of rain right
then they gotta wait another 110 days
before they see dry land why can't god
just be like poof he wanted them to want
whatever he's building character still
an [ __ ] he's still an [ __ ]
two and a half months later so after
they were stuck on the mountains of
banana two and a half months later as
the waters continued to go down other
mountain peaks became visible
after another 40 days yes noah opened
the window he had made in the boat and
released a raven did they have glass
or was it like a panel that he pushed i
used a saw and cut out a porthole of
wood okay okay he released a raven but i
a dove i thought it was a dove too maybe
this is a new translation so well maybe
he did a raven before he did the dove
right this one doesn't matter who knows
who knows the bird flew back and forth
until the flood waters on the earth had
dried up he also released a dove ah to
see if the water had receded and it
could fi find dry ground what was the
point of releasing the raven and the
dove i don't know maybe they were
[ __ ] everywhere and he was like
i can't stand this bird [ __ ] one more
but the dove could find no place to land
because the water still covered the
how would he know if it found a place to
land because the doves really like
ground okay and so it wouldn't have come
okay they kept coming back because there
was no place to land except that there's
mountaintops right so there's places to
land it just didn't like those places i
that dove was picky [ __ ] right
so it returned to the boat and noah held
out his hand and drew the dove back
after waiting another seven days noah
this time the dove returned to him in
the evening with a fresh olive leaf in
then no one knew that the floodwaters
isn't that where like the um
like when you present somebody with an
olive branch isn't that where that comes
from like you're saying you know let's
white flag you know peace like maybe i
don't know i think that is but like um
you were wrong by the way what the dove
didn't stay in the land he just brought
it's not like i know the bible oh i know
i've never read it before i only
picked up pieces here and there so
i mean was i wrong or was i just i don't
know bible stuff right right okay okay
he waited another seven days and then
released the dove again this time it did
back oh okay there it is there it is
i was right you're right i really just
wanted you to say i was right
noah was now 601 years old on the first
ten and a half months after the flood
began good grief the flood waters had
almost dried up from the earth noah
lifted back the covering of the boat and
saw that the surface of the ground was
drying two more months went by and at
that was that was a long time they were
on that boat for like a year yeah [ __ ]
that right i don't even like going on a
boat for an afternoon but i mean these
people live for like hundreds of years
well it was but a blink of an eye right
right i guess noah's wait he's 601 years
old right but isn't he like the last one
that was going to live a long time i
don't remember because remember how he
like cut their lifespans and stuff
yeah he said that nobody's gonna
but i thought that was one of um
one of noah's descendants
i don't know and now we're just like
doing a rewind back in time again got it
okay because at some point you're right
he said that ain't nobody gonna live
more than 120 years so but now that it's
just people that live forever and long
times does god have to redo that thing
or is he gonna let him live longer again
i really don't know okay honestly
because when you kill off the whole
planet it seems kind of pointless
everything you said before that
you would think like it kind of like
negates the whole thing like this is a
fresh slate type thing you know like
then god said to noah leave the boat all
of you you and your wife and your sons
and their wives release all the animals
the birds the livestock and the small
animals that scurry along the ground so
they can be fruitful and multiply
so noah his wife and his sons and their
wives left the boat and all of the large
animals and birds came out of the boat
then noah built an altar to the lord
and there he sacrificed as burnt
offerings the animals and birds that had
been approved for that purpose what the
hell once again they are killing an
entire species you know i was never
aware that we did sacrifices really as
chris you know like i i am not a
christian but i grew up in a christian
world so i was never aware that we were
well this is pre-christianity of course
like i think that the whole jesusy thing
is that it puts an end to sacrifice okay
because he is the sacrifice well we sure
ain't in jesus land yet so no so i mean
it's only fair that they're doing pagan
[ __ ] sacrifice things right
okay so and the lord was pleased with
the aroma of the sacrifice i mean i know
i love me some burnt animal
and said to himself hmm self i will
never again curse the ground because of
the human race even though everything
they think or imagine is bent toward
evil from childhood you know
knowing that i [ __ ] made them in my
image everything about them is evil wait
so he was ready to scrap the whole thing
like completely then he was like now
i'll give noah a chance right
and then noah burns some [ __ ] some
animals burnt some animals and god's
like that [ __ ] smells good that just
smells good i'm never gonna
kill everybody again no he's never gonna
destroy the earth again oh okay he
didn't say anything about the people on
i will never again destroy all living
things oh no you were right sorry but
some living things maybe all the living
he's never gonna kill all the living but
he might do a few some of them certainly
the ones that were sacrificed right yeah
that's entire species wiped out again
right no because they brought on extras
for sacrifice remember just the birds
everything else that's what they didn't
say what they sacrificed maybe that's
what they sacrificed okay
okay i guess some birds but they did say
that they brought in stuff specifically
for sacrificing yeah you're right you're
right that's just so gross to me right i
i guess it's because of conventions and
stuff like maybe i'm just preconditioned
to think that but right i don't know uh
as long as the earth remains continued
god there will be planting and harvest
cold and heat summer and winter day and
night okay that's the end of chapter
eight all right be right back
chapter 9 god's covenant with noah do
a rainbow oh that's right
what about you remember that guy that
was crying over the double rainbow in
no no it was a big thing like there was
thing because this guy starts crying
over a double rainbow in the uh
i never saw that yeah that's weird it
was like a i don't know something it was
year five years i don't know
then god blessed noah and his sons and
told them be fruitful and multiply fill
the earth he loves to tell things to be
fruitful and multiply yeah that's like
his favorite phrase have all the sexes
all the animals of the earth all the
birds of the sky all the small animals
that scurry along the ground and all the
fish in the sea will look on you with
fear and terror oh my god jesus christ i
have placed them in your power i have
given them to you for food just as i
have given you grain and vegetables but
you must never eat any meat that still
so you're not supposed to eat like
like raw meat well i think he's saying
if it's still alive like don't just pick
up a living cat and take a bite out of
it okay right i guess and cook your meat
yeah i mean that's probably it's
probably a thing i mean what this is a
people back before like before medicine
yeah so they're like cook your meat cook
your meat don't eat raw meat dumbass
what is it that you get from eating raw
meat besides just really sick um is it
e coli and um salmonella that's the one
and i will require the blood of anyone
who takes another person's life
blood wow if a wild animal kills a
and anyone who murders a fellow human
must die jesus lord he's all about the
corporal punishment he is violent this
i'm gonna go back to it he's a dick he
if anyone takes a human life that
person's life will also be taken by
human hands for god made human beings in
his own image cruel as [ __ ] how does
that work out is it do you get a pass
for taking that human life if it's
ordained that you get to take that human
life right because a human has to take
the human life so just like this mad
cycle of everybody's gonna die because
so he's like don't take a human life
unless i tell you it's okay right
now be fruitful and multiply and
then god told noah and his sons i hereby
confirm my covenant with you and your
descendants and with all the animals
that were on the boat with you the birds
the livestock and all the wild animals
every living creature on earth
yes i am confirming my covenant with you
never again will flood waters kill all
living creatures never again will a
flood destroy the earth i like how he
i mean i might use fire i might use
meteors but it won't be a [ __ ] flood
he's leaving that loophole open yeah
then god said i am giving you a sign of
my covenant with you and with all living
creatures for all generations to come i
have placed my rainbow in the clouds
it's not it a rainbow in this case is
not just the sun refracting
so are all rainbows god given or is it
just the one then at that time i mean i
really couldn't even tell you okay i
don't know i mean my understanding was
that it was just like you said you know
particles of water in the air and
science [ __ ] science right science but
apparently it's god it's just magic or
at least that one time it was god
i have placed my rainbow in the clouds
it is the sign of my covenant with you
and with all the earth when i send
clouds over the earth the rainbow will
appear in the clouds and i will remember
my covenant with you and with all living
creatures i like how he said it's going
to appear in the clouds when it's like
it's not really in the clouds it's under
the clouds right or sometimes it's out
in the clear sky because it's you know
lightly distracted right yeah it has
nothing to do with clouds no
never again oh you know what i also like
how he says when i see the rainbow i'll
remember my covenant good thing there's
or else god might forget he's covenanted
right well i mean he has trouble
tracking like four people so i mean you
keep going back to that because it's
never again will the flood waters
destroy all life when i see the rainbow
in the clouds i will remember the
eternal covenant between god and every
living creature on earth he stipulated
specifically floods though
multiple times multiple times yeah
sounds like a sneaky bastard he really
then god said to noah yes this rainbow
is the sign of the covenant i am
confirming with all the creatures on
like i know i've said it before but
it gets a little old it really does like
come on oh but this next part sounds fun
he's gonna have a good old time wife's
drunkenness husband's drunkenness
okay so noah's drunkenness the sons of
noah who came out of the boat with their
father were shem ham and japheth
ham is the father of canaan
from these three sons of noah came all
the people who now populate the earth
so now's the incest and the end i mean
random dudes that random people that
just like popped up somewhere they
appeared out of nowhere right yeah but
now it's all incest from here now it's
all incest we are all inbred
[ __ ] got it got it that
explains a lot right yeah
after the flood noah began to cultivate
the ground and he planted a vineyard oh
that is something we should consider
planting in our backyard yeah that's not
gonna work i want a vineyard do you know
what would happen what it would die yeah
i would because i don't take care of
one day he drank some wine he had made
and he became drunk and laying naked
inside his tent damn dear god not naked
inside your own [ __ ] bedroom what
ham the father of canaan which he
already said he was the father of
saw that his father was naked and went
outside and told his brothers have you
seen dad dad was [ __ ] naked you guys
can you even believe that what
dad naked nah man nah that's not what it
says in the bible no but i'm imagining
the conversation right right like who
cares but aren't they gonna tell us the
conversation no but i'm just like
this dude saw his dad naked and went out
and told his brothers like it was a big
[ __ ] deal right like could you
imagine like if you saw your dad naked
would you be like oh my god dad was
naked can you even believe that [ __ ] i
you would be my dad got drunk at my
brother's wedding and like you know
you know a bunch of stuff but
pissed himself so that was fun god that
is not something that you say on the
podcast with that well they don't know
who i am what the hell cause remember
we're doing it it's anonymous okay it's
a funny story it is funny it is a funny
story but here's the thing would you be
i could understand you being like oh my
god dad got so drunk but would you be
like oh my god dad was in his own
bedroom in his own house and he was
naked can you even believe that like
would you be appalled that your dad was
naked in his own bedroom and his own
house no that's the part i'm getting at
then shem and japheth took a robe held
it over their shoulders and backed into
the tent to cover their father
in his own [ __ ] room they were like
good lord just walk in and you know just
be like leaving me dad you doing okay
you need a barf bucket are you good
this is just ridiculous as they did this
they looked the other way so they would
not see him naked because lord forbid
that you see a penis well they love that
shame [ __ ] back then yes shame shame
i just couldn't imagine like and he
didn't have any fig leaves shown over
his you know naughty parts so you have a
when noah woke up from his stupor he
learned what ham his youngest son had
then he cursed canaan the son of ham may
kanan be cursed may he be the lowest of
servants to his relatives what i [ __ ]
hate it when i'm drunk and naked in my
own room and somebody comes in and puts
a robe over me so [ __ ] your kid right no
it sounds like a complete [ __ ] yeah
[ __ ] your kid because you can't favor me
not that he had a great role model in
he shouldn't have been mad at the kid he
should have just been like y'all can't
even leave me the [ __ ] alone when i'm
getting drunk in my own tent right yeah
that's crazy but i don't know what um
kanan had to do with it yeah i don't
know this whole thing is weird it really
may the lord the god of shem be blessed
and may canaan be his servant may god
expand the territory of japheth may
japheth share the prosperity of shem and
he is cursing his grandchild yeah that's
crazy for no reason yeah that's dumb
noah lived another 350 years after the
great flood he lived 950 years and then
not because he was drinking and not
because he was naked but because because
he made one of his grandsons a servant
because something's but was he even the
one that walked in on him no that's what
i'm saying he what the [ __ ] he should
have been mad at his kid not his kid's
kid he even shouldn't have a man of his
kids well i mean he could be mad at his
kid like i would be mad if my kids came
into my bedroom and were like mom i
can't even believe you got drunk and
man we had to cover your nakedness up
like i would be mad at them like okay a
i'm a grown-ass woman i will get the
[ __ ] drunk anytime i want get out okay
next why are you even in my [ __ ]
bedroom i'm allowed to be naked in my
bedroom and if you don't like it again
get the [ __ ] out nobody invited you in
okay the level of anger is definitely
not also apparently noah could curse
people like this sounds like witchcraft
witchcraft i'm just saying it's true
like a pox on your god was cursing
people and now noah can curse people
like and then there was that one guy
that sounded like he wanted to try to
curse people oh yeah yeah yeah when he
it was kane because he was like no it
wasn't kane kane was the seven years and
then there was some dude in the
beginning it was one of the millions
great grandchildren right right that was
like if you try to kill kane
um seven years on you but if you try to
kill me 77 years on youtube right right
he's trying to make his own curse
these people are weird they are rather
uppity all right well i can't wait to
see what's in the next installment
this is just this is terrible this book
is bad right this is a bad book that's
why we're making fun of it because
otherwise this wouldn't even be like
could you imagine just sitting down and
reading it and not making fun of it how
do people like it would be boring as
[ __ ] how do people respect this i
haven't because somebody's
missing something that's why there's a
pastor or a preacher or a
whatever the [ __ ] you call them i don't
that's why they have those people to be
like i'm gonna interpret this for you
i'm gonna tell you what to think because
if you read it on your own without
somebody telling you what to think
you're gonna be like what the
it's true this makes no sense to me and
i do not like it sam i am
okay all right we'll see you guys next
um is there a way for people to contact
they can get on our twitter account we
have a twitter account we do what is it
it is sacrilegious underscore d
like d for discourse yeah they wouldn't
let me put the whole thing so
i had to shorten it to underscore d
yeah that's disgusting how do you spell
sacrilegious do you know i don't want to
just look it up in a dictionary or
i don't i don't want to do that right
now you know why sacrilegious underscore
d okay cause you messed it up and i made
you fix it that's why yeah yeah what
about an email yeah we got that too
sacrilegious discourse at gmail.com oh
well that's easy yeah as long as you
know how to spell sacrilegious right
well definitely get a hold of us let us
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